Thursday, September 26, 2013

0
9/26/2013 07:11:00 AM
P!nk:  ever wonder 'bout what he's doin'?

Me:  no.  it involves his mama's vagina, for sure. he either is twiddling it, wanting to be back inside it, or wanting to be it. 

0 comments:

Saturday, August 31, 2013

0
8/31/2013 12:49:00 PM
Last nite was the first time the depression has crept into my dreams. I dreamed of my mom, of the passage of time. My doctor prescribed Seroquel and last nite I took my first dose. Today I am extremely dizzy and tearful and ready to pop off at any moment. I've never taken such a strong drug. This morning I took Limictal as well, as it was prescribed. I prefer recreationals to how I feel right now. 

0 comments:

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

0
8/13/2013 09:43:00 PM
I think the thing I miss most about being in a relationship is having someone beside me in bed. My dogs are lovely, but they're not comforters; they're comfortees. Comfortors?


0 comments:

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Wandering vs. Wondering

0
6/19/2013 09:59:00 PM
I absolutely love this time of year!  And I'm sitting outside, listening to the crickets, looking at the stars, thinking about all I've done to better my home, and I'm doing this ALONE. And while sitting here, a question slid into my mind. Do I really feel that I don't deserve companionship, and I think that feeling is rooted deeply into my being. And I've got to fix that. I think that's why I'm such a loner. Because I feel that I don't deserve someone beside me. That I don't deserve. That I'm not good enough. And I am. Just the way I am. But I'm evolving. Tomorrow I'll be a better version myself. I will. 

0 comments:

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

i'm just floating

0
6/12/2013 06:07:00 PM
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

0 comments:

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

1
6/04/2013 11:40:00 AM
the church was cool inside. 

that's the only part of me new novel that i have written.  it's the first sentence.  : ) 

1 comments:

Saturday, June 01, 2013

just ride

0
6/01/2013 10:47:00 AM
i'm sure i could by playing harder, dying younger. 

don't leave me now, don't say goodbye, don't turn around, leave me high and dry.

true, honest fact is that i'm ready.  done. 

i've been more depressed than ever this past week.  there's nothing to look forward to.  i used to look forward to summer, then to school starting, then christmas break, then spring break, then summer.  but no more. 

i'm lonely.

my psych cnp found about about my "use" last visit, so she changed some of the meds i take.  i don't know if it's the meds or if it just is. 

i don't want to stop my use.  it's the only thing that affects my mood.  there's nothing like a pain pill to lift me up, give me energy.

i truly need to use this angst. 

high and dry.  that's me. 

0 comments:

Sunday, May 05, 2013

are we all we are?

0
5/05/2013 11:32:00 AM
i enjoy this alone time.  sunday morning.  i've accomplished so much this morning, i'm proud.  i made "ham" salad for snackage for the weekish.  i disked the garden and planted a row of sunflowers, two rows of golden queen corn, 8 pink girl tomato plants, 8 beef steak tomato plants, 8 california wonder green peppers, 4 cantalope, and a rowish of cucumbers.  now i'm chilling in da house before the peeps come home from church. 

i'm not desperate for me a man, but i feel like i'm getting to the point where i feel like i could be involved in a healthy relationship.  i want a man who ain't so far into the gay lifestyle that he knows nothing else.  in fact, gay's only a small part of who i am, and i want that for him, too.  i want a man who's more concerned with family and friends and leading a fulfilling life than playing the game o' gays. 

i'd love to find the right guy who'd move here with me.  who'd help me grow this place.  who'd want us to be as close to self-sustaining as possible.  i love growing the chickens and the garden.  i love me horses.  i want to can this summer and freeze some of the produce from the garden. 

i just want love.  someone who loves me for me and for no other reason.  someone i can curl up with at night.  someone who'll come up behind me and take me right there.  someone who wants to move ahead with me.  someone who's kind but has boundaries.  someone who's willing to stand up for what he believes in.  someone who believes in science and what can be proven.  someone who's making the most out of this life, because there's no proof that anything exists beyond this life. 

someone who supports the arts by adding to them.  someone whose goal is to leave the planet in better shape than he found it.  at the least, he's not going to leave a footprint.  his will be covered up.  i still wouldn't mind having kids, if i had the right partner to raise them with, but the whole kid thing isn't necessary.  i'm quite happy with the 40+ kids i help to raise every school year.  : ) 

that is all for now. 

0 comments:

Saturday, April 13, 2013

0
4/13/2013 11:37:00 AM
I just need someone to love me today.

0 comments:

0
4/13/2013 10:39:00 AM
I don't want to live this way. And I don't want to die this way.

0 comments:

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

0
4/09/2013 09:58:00 PM
I'm gonna lure you into the dark
My cold desire
To hear the boom, boom, boom of your heart
The danger is I'm dangerous
And I might just tear you apart

so i'm sitting here in the dark. on my bed. with my pups. whom i love with all my heart and soul. i've had some good days lately. things really seem to have turned around, but i still see things that have affected me my entire life.

my dad apparently believes that i can do nothing that's in any way, shape or form manly. this evening i got the tractor out and i was using the box scraper to tear through some brush and saplings, because the place is just fucking overgrown.

i'd done the same thing on sunday, and was quite proud of my results. i can't live with a nasty overgrown place. i have plans to make this place a nice home.

and hopefully at some point add a man who loves me. loves. me. me. because that just makes life better.

but before i get sidetracked. one of the pins came out of the box scraper, and my dad came right away, even though he'd just previously said he was sick and couldn't do anything. he said that i can't use the tractor to get rid of the brush because i'll damage a tire. we'll cut it out with a chainsaw.

my dad has never done shit. this place has always looked like shit. i mean, we're talking pieces of tin nailed between two fence posts because he was too stupid, lazy, something to do it the right way.

and there's a new sheriff in town, and i'm going to start doing shit the right way. i want to live a good life.

more about that amazing man later. i want a partner. i want it to be right this time. someone who loves me. i'm lovable.

i am. someone who wants to be with me permanently. someone who wants to make memories with me. share holidays with me. share with me. be with me. a man. a partner. a friend. a soulmate.

i have to believe he's out there, and that he also believes in a lifestyle similar to the one i want to continue living.

low-key. self-sufficient. animals. nurturing. growing. giving back. taking care of the earth.

warm. cuddly. fun to smooch. a hot fuck. all those things.

i just need him to show me that he feels i'm worthy of pursuit.

i know i am. fuck it.

i know i am.

0 comments:

Saturday, April 06, 2013

0
4/06/2013 02:40:00 PM

Baby, you got a bad bad mouth
Everything is poison that's coming out
Cheating, lying since the day you were born
Someone outta rinse it out with soap

Wash it out, wash it out, wash it out

No kind words are coming out of your mouth
Plenty goes in but nothing good comes out
Badmouth, sad mouth, you were an unhappy child
That doesn't make your lying tongue alright

Wash it out, wash it out, wash it out

Cos everything is poison
You'll be the unhappy one
Your lips taste of poison
You're gonna be left alone

When you told me every word you said
Came from voices talking in your head
Baby, I just think you're out for what you can get
Your badmouth has killed off everything we had

Wash it out, wash it out, wash it out

Cos everything is poison
You'll be the unhappy one
Your lips taste of poison
You'll be in the corner crying

0 comments:

i saw you yesterday

0
4/06/2013 01:59:00 PM
wouldn't it be awesome if every human being who ever lived was required to write a manual about how to live the best life.  i believe that'd benefit both the reader and himself.  putting things into words is definitely putting things into perspective, and i'd love to learn life lessons from others.  i'm happy with the basics of my life now.  i just need someone.  (desire, not need.)  excuse me.  someone to share it with.  like, a decent human being who also insists on the good life and on commitment.  i may work on a draft of that manual in the near future.  as i'm working on myself.  i'm working on falling in love with myself, so i'll accept only that kind of love of which i'm worthy. 

0 comments:

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

my goal

0
4/03/2013 08:07:00 PM
my goal this evening to is to continue where i left off with that last entry.  today i began a journey with a new counselor, after not seeing a counselor regularly for for about seven months now.  before meeting with her today, i began to think about my goals for this round of counseling, what i want to accomplish while on this journey together, and those goals presented themselves as obvious extensions of my present journey because i'm on a good path right now. 

i want to work on having a life-long, committed relationship.  someone to come home to.  a best friend.  a confidant.  someone to depend on.  someone to share my life with.  holidays.  anniversaries.  tragedies.  victories.  a common perception of the future.  a real, honest-to-goodness adult relationship.  joint checking account.  common assets.  a family.  our family.  that's all. 

and it's not that a relationship is the end goal.  the end goal is feeling as though i'm in the right place to attract a quality human being who just may want to begin a relationship with me that will evolve into the life-long deal. 

and in order to get there, i obviously need to focus on self-esteem, self-worth.  the last long-term relationship i was in (yes, i'm referring to nick the dick) began by my finding out that he'd been cheating just days before we moved in together.  and he'd never talk about it.  in fact, when i was upset about it, he pretty much blamed me for over-reacting, like it was somehow my fault.  my only fault is that i felt that i wasn't good enough to demand better.  my only fault was being in love with an honest-to-god loser whose only love interest was his (poofy-dyed-haired, too much make-up-wearing, loud-mouthed) mother and his (controlled by mommy and poppy) sister. 

and i have to say that i love a lot of what i have going on right now.  i'm falling in love with my home.  i'm falling in love with ME!  no, seriously.  i truly believe that a love affair is in its early stages.  just me and me.  and i do know that has to happen before anyone else can join in the picture. 

i'm making many improvements to my home, and i'm beginning to see what it can be.  i am making the improvements.  with my money.  my labor. 

and i have help, people who truly give a shit about my well-being.  i see that support system on a daily basis.  and i have no room in my life for other losers.  i see quality.  i see possibility. 

i just want that feeling of safety, of the opposite of lonely when i climb into bed at night and feel him beside me.  feel him wanting to be beside me.  common goals, conversation that arises from curiosity because we legitimately care what's going on in the other's life. 

(that is opposed to the last relationship i was in in, where he'd turn his back to me when we turned out the lights, wait until i was soundly asleep, and then go talk with various men online before falling asleep on the couch.)

totally not using parentheses here, because this is pretty fucking major.  did i fucking mention that he was a racist pig, all because he couldn't separate himself from his loud, painted, obnoxious mother?  (there was a place near his home that was somehow someday called something to the effect of n***er run, and he had no problem calling it that.  nor did his obnoxious, bitch of a mom.) 

yes, i feel still feel anger toward the motherfucking prick, and i'm not going to stifle it.  it's there, and it's organic, and i'm going to let it go.  i'm going to experience, so that it will dissipate.  he was a loser.  and i was in love with him. 

and it's been a long, long journey, but i now i know that i deserve so much better.  and i love him.  i still love him.  and so i hope that he's bettered himself, too, and that he's happy and healthy and is curing his dysfunction.  and becoming a man who contributes to the betterment of this fucked-up world. 

0 comments:

Sunday, March 31, 2013

0
3/31/2013 01:26:00 PM
i want to find love in a best friend to whom i'm attracted and to whom i feel a sacred ever-lasting bond that will allow myself to reveal my entire to true self on a life-long basis, and i also want him to feel that he's afforded the same luxury. 

more to cum. 

0 comments:

Friday, March 29, 2013

fuck you!

0
3/29/2013 10:31:00 AM
facebook pisses me off, and i don't feel free to be totally me there because there are so many people watching.  what i don't love right now is all the opposition to the gay marriage movement that's going on.  i mean, if you don't support gay marriage, don't get gay married!  it really is that simple.  are people so insecure about their own sexuality and relationship with their god that they need to push their "morality" onto everyone out there?  fuck you, if you don't believe everyone on earth deserves the same rights as you!  fuck you if you're a bigoted, two-faced, fucked-up twit who thinks there are people in this world who are undeserving of the same rights you have.  fuck you, if you believe you have personal knowledge of what god wants you to do.  fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!  end of my story.  fuck you.  no.  really.  fuck you!!!

0 comments:

Saturday, March 23, 2013

antitheism

0
3/23/2013 10:29:00 PM
just the idea that some people feel they need a book in order to know the difference between right and wrong is appalling to me. for me, the difference is quite obvious. it's the same as the difference between lightness and darkness. you get positive consequences, it's good. you get negative consequences, it's bad. and i'm not talking about your being hurt because your man done left you, and that's a bad thing for you, but a good thing for him. i'm talking the biggies. the physical pain and the life-long mental trauma. the intent is there.

like, we don't need a book to tell us what to eat. we eat the wrong things, and we become unhealthy. this is the same, really. we do the wrong things, we become unhealthy. but the bible gives us some advice in terms of food and diet. i believe it tells us not to eat shellfish. but in reality, shellfish (properly prepared) is quite healthy and has demonstrated a positive effect on our bodies. but it's still immoral. taking another's life is immoral. that's intentionally inflicting a negative chain of events on another living creature. (i totes see what i'm doing here. talking in circles. that's all.) a cow is not here for us to eat anymore than we're here for lions and tigers and bears to eat.

and what about santa claus? (i don't really miss god, but i sure miss santa claus.) isn't he one of the more recent gods created in order to gain submission? we tell our kids that santa watches over them and that he'll bring lots of great gifts to the good girls and boys, while the bad girls and boys will get nothing (or perhaps a lump of coal). same damn principle.

and i don't even deny the existence of a god. i just have no proof that one exists. and i need proof. the same way i'd need proof if someone said there's a magical fairy flying through all the blue states, shitting quarters. but if there is a god who's really a divine being, then it would look at these bibles, these books of so-called moral guidance, as the biggest indicator of morality. those who follow its words only as a means of self-reward, with no care in the world for the suffering of others, would most definitely indicate a complete and total lack of morality. too bad the "christian" culture is still running fucking rampant in these here parts.

facebook fucking annoys me. there are too many people who constantly post the religious, jesus me-me's. they make me want to fucking puke. those are obviously the ones who feel the need to prove their adherence to the scripture in order to prove they're good people, because they have reason to doubt their own goodness.

and i have a long way to go on this path of morality. there are numerous things i do, on a daily basis, that make me immoral. but i'm not going to hell. i'm simply going to die one day. and that's how i want it to be. immortal life sounds ridiculously draining. (and i totally remember thinking that as a child in a "christian" home.) to me, it'd be like constant day, constant work, constant interaction, and never sleeping. that i do not want. if it's immortality that you desire, do something to ensure your name will be on the tongues of others for thousands of years to come. like aristotle, for example.

and don't be a prick. evolve. : )

0 comments:

Friday, March 22, 2013

0
3/22/2013 06:27:00 PM
hold me close like we both died, my ever-pressing suicide, my stupid fuck, my blushing bride.  today:  i'm focused upon patterns. 

he was sure that

i thought i had more to say.  and i do.  but i cannot say it. 

0 comments:

Saturday, March 16, 2013

this is what makes us girls

0
3/16/2013 12:04:00 PM
it's looking like it may be a nice day.  it's around 50 right now.  my cousin's supposed to be here in around an hour to look at some work i'd like to accomplish.  there's plenty to do outside.  plenty to do inside.  and i believe with my new medication (increase?) that's possible.  the weather also deserves some gratitude.  so, thank you, weather.  now to brush my teeth and clean up my phace a little. 


you don't want to get this way:  famous and dumb at an early age.

have a fantatic, all my loyal readers. 

but if you don't read this, then fuck you.

because you have to show me that i'm important.

i'm unable to deduce that myself. 

just some idea fragments for your consideration.

i love you.  jesus.

i love you, jesus. 

laytah!

0 comments:

a dream

0
3/16/2013 11:13:00 AM
at some point during the night, i had one of those vivid dreams that seems real.  it made me feel good.  purposeful.  part of the in-crowd.  i had a child.  and a wife (who wore a lilac-colored gown to a presentation she was doing and seemed to be quite over-dressed).  i was on my way to a presentation - at least it was something of which i was the center, the reason.  i looked in the mirror and i remember thinking that i looked great, but that nothing matched either.  (it's funny how a brief idea when you're awake can translate into something so relevant in dreamland.)  i vaguely remember making it to my engagement a little late with my son in tow, telling my wife she was over-dressed.  handing him over.  and then it just dissolved.  but it felt good.  indeed. 

0 comments:

Sunday, March 10, 2013

days like these

0
3/10/2013 12:34:00 PM
people always ask me if i miss my mom.  on her birthday, on christmas, on mother's day.  and the answer is yes.  i miss her everyday.  every moment, if that's possible.  i just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that i'm NEVER going to see her again, talk to her again, touch her again.  i miss the ways she kept everything going.  i miss the way she always seemed to have a group of kids in the house.....

but days like today, i miss her even more.  spring is in the air.  that's a promise that nice days are about to become pretty typical, bringing with it, replenishing.  baby animals, baby cows, baby chicks.  new grass, new leaves.  green.  it means getting the garden ready to plant, getting in those cold weather crops, like lettuce and onions and radishes. 

the excitement of this time of year was in her blood, as it's in my blood.  she gave it to me.  and i'll never get to experience it with her again.  but now she's a part of nature, even more than she was before.  and i miss her today, more than ever before. 

0 comments:

the countdown begins

0
3/10/2013 12:32:00 AM
just two months and twenty days before his thirty-eighth birthday, he put it into words:  he could not follow the (cliched) well-traveled road that was laid out in order to give the average joe love, happiness...success.  he's not the average joe.  he's extraordinary, whether he's believed it up until now or not.  he's an extremely liberal elementary school teacher in a public school setting, a public school setting which happens to be a very small-town rural barely noticeable dot on a map of the midwest.  any way you could turn, you'd find yourself at the heart of the belt of the bible.  he's gay, in a town where marriage, a career that puts you atop the list of incomes, two kids, a home, and golf outings with the buds speak of ultimate success.  he's atheist, where everyone's christianity is their badge of valor, badge of goodness, proof that they're fighting the good fight. 

and he doesn't want to, wouldn't, wouldn't want to change his persona for all the acceptance from all the big fish in a very small, artificial pond...in all the world.  maybe, just maybe, probably maybe, probably he's who he is to break the monotony, to be an example, to be proof that there's more, there's unknown, there's still real estate to be explored. 

that day, two months and twenty days before his thirty-eighth birthday, is the day he first became determined to face in the direction of HIS destiny, his happiness, his brand of success.   

and maybe, maybe, just maybe, it doesn't automatically mean a lonely journey throughout the rest of his days. 

because, surely there are some other extraordinary souls (with penises) out and about seeking other like-minded souls (with penises). 

and he'll have no more of the kind who're in desperate love with their mommy. 

0 comments:

Saturday, March 02, 2013

0
3/02/2013 10:03:00 PM
I hope I don't wake up tomorrow. I'm done. I find absolutely no joy in anything I do. I just want it to end. I don't want to feel anymore. I want this to be over. No one in the world gives a fuck about me.

0 comments:

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

0
1/23/2013 02:53:00 PM
Does anyone else hear the irony in a teacher yelling at her students to _________ quietly?

0 comments:

Saturday, January 19, 2013

0
1/19/2013 10:51:00 PM
I look forward to going to bed every night. It's just to be away from the taunts and the busy and the isolation. I hope that when I die, it's inside a peaceful, yearned-for sleep like the one I'm headed for tonite, and I hope that I don't have any notion that it's coming. And when I'm gone, I'd like to be cremated, if you're sure it won't hurt. Scatter my ashes in the Atlantic, please.

0 comments:

it's not great, but it's a great start

0
1/19/2013 10:37:00 AM


0 comments:

Friday, January 18, 2013

0
1/18/2013 06:59:00 AM

0 comments:

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Nicest Thing

0
1/17/2013 09:06:00 PM
I know it's fucking lame, but I wish there were just one person out there who cared enough about who I am that s/he'd put in the effort, and dig, to figure me out. 
 
I wish that you loved me;
I wish that you needed me.
 
Nicest Thing
by Kate Nash

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favorite guy
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you'd always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish we could see if we could be something

 


0 comments:

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

fuck off

0
1/16/2013 07:08:00 PM
my aunt, who owns the property where i live, has always had deep issues with stupidity.  ...actually, i'm not sure who really owns the property.  my name is on the deed at the courthouse, and i believe she has it set up so that she has a lifetime estate (or whatthefuckever it's called).  in any case, we've all (my dad, sorta included) been working to make progress.  we tore down all the old outbuildings this past summer and had a brand new barn built.  by a professional.  and now, because we have four horses, we need some fence work done.  there's fence, but it's old, and there are holes.  the fence around the barn is non-existent, so i've been keeping the horses in the barn for the past month or so.  that's a good thing, with the cold, winter weather and shit.  but this past weekend, we had really awesome weather (60+ degrees) so i turned the horses out into the pasture, and i was nervous the whole time, afraid they were going to get out of the fence and go who-knows-where, so i asked my aunt to help me secure a loan (i have too much debt to get a reasonable loan) in order to have someone build a new fence.  this evening i told her i'd contacted a builder who was coming in on saturday to give us an estimate.  her response was, "we can't get a loan without putting up the property, and i'm not putting up MY property [for collateral.]"  my response was, "you do what you have to do to get shit done."  she said she didn't want to lose HER property.  my response?  "how're you going to lose it?"  her response?  "i can't pay the loan off."  my response?  "you're not paying it off; i am."  ...and i fucking wish i had the debt problems she has, with thousands upon thousands in the bank.

but the whole point here is her continued irrational shenanigans.  nothing's worth having, unless you can take care of it.  i've dealt with this shit my WHOLE life.  WHOLE life!  no fucking kidding.  she and my dad spent all of my childhood fighting IN COURT as to who the owner of this fucking place is.  for what?  it's shit.  i'm embarrassed to bring any of my friends here.  it's getting better, though, and i WILL have a nice place to live.  and if she makes this too complicated, i'll walk.  i've wasted too many years holding myself back because of others' stupidity. 

i'm not many years away from 40, and i'm living here with my dad, and she's next door.  for what?  because my dad's too idiotic to take care of himself.  and she's pretty goddamned dumb, too.  but, you know what?  my dad's never attempted to forge a relationship with me.  you know what he got me for christmas?  i don't either.  i saw nothing.  never have.  it's not about the tangible; it's about the intangible it represents.  his gratitude that i'm willing to stay here and make sure he's taken care of.  nothing. 

so, my plan?  i walk.  my mom put their house in my name before she passed away, so it's mine.  and it's on my "aunt's property".  you know what happens if i walk?  this house fucking gets demolished.  promise.  then i'll never see or hear from them again.  promise. 

i am attempting to do for myself something which no one has ever done for me - make myself a home (of which i can be proud).  

they're the only family i have.  and i don't have any close friends anymore.  one?  maybe.  but i'll survive.  there are certainly people out there with whom i can bond.  i'm pretty sure i'm pretty awesome.  most of the time.  anyway. 

i control my life.  and i control my reactions to it.  i'm too fucking negative for you?  i'd suggest you walk the fuck out of my life.

too. 

0 comments:

Saturday, January 12, 2013

0
1/12/2013 06:50:00 PM
Oh, and.... Fuck cancer!

0 comments:

Mama

0
1/12/2013 06:37:00 PM
Exactly one year ago, my mom was living out her last few minutes. I won't ever let a date on a calendar control my emotions, but I'll forever miss my mama. She was absolutely the best mama for me. She's a part of me, and she most definitely deserves to be remembered with love and respect. I do that every minute of every day. I will always love you, Mom. : )

0 comments:

Thursday, January 10, 2013

jesus wants us to love everyone...even ourselves

0
1/10/2013 08:30:00 PM

i'm getting better at facing my "fears" and just doing the fucking things i need to do.  for instance, today i was on a trip for work.  last nite i had to drive to the nearest big city, check into a hotel and meet colleagues at a restaurant for dinner.  and i did it all... alone.  in major rush hour traffic.  and i really didn't feel the anxiety i used to feel.  i'm also getting used to be surrounded by people i don't know and also speaking my mind.  and getting up to pee in the middle of a meeting involving 100+ guests, and not not doing it, because i don't want x set of eyes on me.  so there's a victory for me.  or more than one, if you want to be all pollyanna-like.  and i do. 

also, i've always felt so overwhelmed with my job.  i don't think anyone who's never been a (great) teacher can truly empathize with all the shit a teacher has to do.  i really do believe we have one of the toughest, most time-consuming jobs ever.  period.  and as i was driving home this evening, i realized that i learned a lot today.  i have a lot of ideas to ponder after today.  i have a lot of potential uses for the knowledge i gained today.  and it felt overwhelming.  and it just came to me....  define what success at work means to me and work toward it.  one step at a time.  one step at a time, and on from there.  (a tired-as-fuck metaphor, but it works!)  i'll never be perfect, but i'll be what i want to be as long as i'm growing and evolving. 

that goes for weight issues, too.  i don't like my weight issues.  i don't like the way i look.  i haven't watched myself masturbate in a mirror for a REALLY long time!  but as long as i'm making progress, that's what matters.  i'm still a good person.  i'm still wonderful.  i'm still the me the world needs me to be because i'm being authentic.  i just have to stop eating out of discontent.  and taking drugs out of discontent.  neither of those things leads to the life i want. 

evolution's what this life's all about!  ciao!

0 comments:

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Pity party just for me

0
1/08/2013 08:44:00 PM
I wish I had someones I could call up and talk with about anything. It'd be too much for one person to handle, so that's why we need more than just one other person to handle us.

Tonite I need someone to talk me through my discontent with my colleagues. Who the fuck knew being a teacher would feel so much like being a fucking high school student? Who knew so many popularity politics would be at play? Who knew it'd be such a game you have to learn to play through trial and error? Who knew there'd be so much hen-pecking to death of those not like everyone else? I love, love, love the essence of my job, but I fucking loathe all the baggage and the bags that come with.

And I need someone to run through this with me tonite. I need the touch of another human. I need the love, the caring, the nurturing of another human. I need to feel what another adult has to give. To give. To fucking give! I want to be on the motherfucking receiving end of shit just for a little fucking while.

I'm worn the fuck out tonite. I miss my mom. I miss her like crazy. And I'm lonely. And I'm alone. And I'm sad. And I'm anxious about what's to come. And I just want someone. Someone quality. Some quality one.

I want that before I'm sure I don't deserve anyone. I need loved.

0 comments:

Sunday, January 06, 2013

fucking cray cray!

0
1/06/2013 01:11:00 PM
people who constantly use facebook in order to scream that which defines them are equivalent to the jim carrey character on in living color who'd walk into any room and shout, "i'm gay!"  or was that mad tv, and not jim carrey, but the stewart guy?   matters not, but what matters is these people really need to expand their horizons.  perhaps instead of looking at the world through the pregnant lens (e.g., this mama's going to get her haircut today.  5 weeks!) or the sick lens (e.g., i feel like i complain all the time, but i have to take my meds today and they're not going to win!  i'm going to bed.  i wish i could be awake like everyone else.  no one knows what this feels like.), look at the world through the person lens (e.g., christmas was fantastic, but now i'm looking forward to easter, because i'm going to weigh 30 pounds less than i do now.)?  however, you must remember not to over talk the weight loss shit.  let nothing consume you, bitch.  show your dynamic self?  it's much more appealing to those of us who may want to get in your pantaloons. 
 
(and why the fuck can i not upload a motherfucking picture from my fucking hard drive?)

0 comments:

Saturday, January 05, 2013

tudu

0
1/05/2013 03:56:00 PM


my tudu list today consists of: 
  1. clean out my closet. (like vacuum the floor and shit.)
  2. wash the comforter that be on my bed.  (too damn many cats have been lying on it.)
  3. wash all the other dirties in the haus.
  4. make word study plans for the upcoming month o' school.
  5. complete my newsletter for back-to-school.
  6. complete my plans for my students' (dreaded) writing project.
  7. think about some "what if's" and write. 
there was something else on there, but it's in the process of becoming accomplished anyhow.  and i don't want to reveal too much about my nasty habits to my billions of readers.
 
my secret plan is to become a best-selling author of the first of many best-selling books and move on with my life.  not that i don't love my job.  there're just too many folks who aren't educators running the "business".  and i find that ironic in the most moronic sense. 
 
popular girls with money and degrees and attitudes.  that's all you gots to have to succeed in this fucked-up world of today. 
 
i need to be at the highest rung possible in the self-ownership section of life.  that, and i love to be creative and baffling. 
 
and somewhat overwhelming. 
 

0 comments:

Friday, January 04, 2013

every nite

0
1/04/2013 10:33:00 PM
What's so fucking fantastic about being ordinary, fairytale? What's the payoff? Is it feeling like you're doing something others can't? Are you simply winning the game you're running inside your head? Are you truly happy being a servant with control issues?

0 comments:

Thursday, January 03, 2013

0
1/03/2013 01:09:00 PM
i'm pretty sure this is a promotional shot from a porn.  definitely not a promotional shot from an ob/gyn practice.  this'd have to be the most horrid job one could have.  either porn actor or ob/gyn.  but i suppose most ob/gyn's don't get into the business for the pussy.  i doubt that porn actors are in it for the pussy either.  it's all for self-glorification.  we all know that "straight" men secretly want other men to want them, and, generally speaking, other "straight" men do want them.  we're all pansexual, but we're so brainwashed by the customs of our society to be who we they really want us to be.  even me.  i'm sure i'm pansexual, but i still can't fathom putting my tongue into a twat.  it's society who's done that to me, and yet they've persecuted me for that.  i've always wanted to be my mama or my aunt, junie b. jones.  i want to be the wife.  i want to push the baby out.  i want to join all the other mean-girl mama's for pto meetings, and slam the other non-cool mama's and teachers and such.  dan pearce is freaking superb!

0 comments:

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Where the Past Meets with the Present

0
1/01/2013 10:54:00 PM


I've spent a lot of time in 2012 thinking about death.  My mama passed away on January 12, 2012, so the year was started off with the right stuff to nudge me down that lane.  I've determined that I am an adult, finally, and I am next in the generational line for death to take me.  And I'm not as ambivalent about it as I once thought I was.  Death has me on my toes, because I know he's lurking around here somewhere, and he could overpower me at any moment.  But that's led to a somewhat positive turn of events.  I'm becoming more and more adamant about routinely living each day to the fullest.  But it hasn't manifested into a reality yet.  Really.  I've done a lot of living inside my head over the years.  (Ask any of my former husbands.)  And I still have that blasphemous habit. 

No New Year's resolutions for me either.  There's no reason that the New Year has to be started off with great intentions that only fade away as the days progress, only to be forgotten until the next year, constantly looking forward to the next event that'll break the monotony.  (I've determined that the time for monotony set-in is somewhere between the 7 days and two-weeks marker, for me.) 

I don't want ever again to look back on my life and wonder where the time has gone.  I want to have lived in each and every moment I've been afforded in this experience we call life.  I want to be doing exactly what I want to do, what feels totally right for me.  I know I'm going to die, and I know all the chances and possibilities and procrastination will catch up with me then.  Of course, that depends upon the way in which death takes me.  (I hope he makes it fast, so that I don't even know that it's coming.)  If I don't know he's about to get me, then I won't have the time to ponder all that I've failed to do with my life.  So that crap's my resolution.  Not my New Year's resolution.  But my life's resolution.  I know there will be days and maybe even months or years in which I fail to prosper and fill these measures of time with the adventures that fulfill me. 

I'm going to quit being so fucking afraid all the time.  If I want to walk into WalMart at noon on the third of the month, by God, I'm going to do it. 

I'm going to try vegetarianism.  I'm going to try and give my digestive system a fucking break.  Clean the bitch out.  I'm sure it's easier to have the dick of the one you love up your ass when your system's not already so full of digesting food.  Make room for the dick.  That's going to be my logo.  Not my logo.  The logo of my diet. 

I'm also a little afraid that death is imminent for the human species as a whole.  We've become so tribal, so insecure about our selves, that we constantly seek to one-up those around us, even the ones we love.  Or am I missing something?  Is this simply my world?  I remembered growing up today, about how different life felt when there were different gate-keepers.  Those gate-keepers concerned themselves with community.  We were one.  If there was something wrong, something neglected in the life of another in the community, we felt it our obligation to fix it, to do some good.  Now drugs are rampant, and what for?  To numb ourselves so that we don't have do deal with the realities we've created?  Because we don't know how to deal with those realities?  I'm not going to lie here.  I have my own drug demons. 

Have you ever contemplated the cyclic nature of our lives, of nature?  There's the reproduction, birth, adulthood, reproduction, later life, death, and it keeps repeating?  There's the menstrual cycle.  There's the cycle of seasons.  There's the orbital path of the planets around the sun.  (And that happens in other solar systems, too, right?)  Life and death.  We know that dinosaurs were decimated, extinct.  We've witnessed the demise of several species.  We're not far away from that.  Our cycle has cycled, and we're definitely on the path to destruction with all the hate and fear and loathing that's present in our culture.  There are so many fucking advances in medicine and technology and theology and government that we're killing ourselves with those things.  You didn't think the government card fit, did you?  But we've always had issues with government!  But have the issues ever really been so motherfucking far-reaching?  This is mine; that's yours.  Touch it, and get nuked! 

We're going down.  I know it.  And I believe the social consciousness knows it, too.  Look at all the infatuation with the end.  There was this Mayan calendar shit.  After we made it past December 21, I read about an asteroid that's going to come precariously close to the earth in 2040-ish.  As a whole, we know it's coming, and we don't want to be taken by surprise.  We want to survive this.  We want our kids, our family to come out of this alive, to be able to become the Adam and the Eve for the next wave of folks.  To hold the secrets for the future generations, like the writers of our Holy books have done. 

Money's not the root of all evil; power is the root of all evil. 

0 comments: