you're shit and you come from shit

i feel like i'm taking up for a brother, and i just can't stop. you have your mother call to say that if he does anything to your stuff that he has to answer to her!? ain't that a little like answering to a dung beetle?? don't you know that he's soft-hearted and way too nice?? if it were up to him, your ass would still be living here. one of the best things he's done as of late was to move in with us. he would never do anything to your stuff, as much as i keep telling him that he should. (see, he can think for himself!?)

you keep proving your unworthiness, don't you? you guess you don't deserve to be loved? you're absolutely right on that one.

i bet you stop threatening suicide now that you don't have anyone listening.

eat shit. you don't have far to go to get it.

mr. badmouth

it makes me feel good to know that you've read what i've written about your pitiful existence. and i was sure that i wasn't going to do so much as to think about you again, but you keep dragging me in. i used to ask myself over and over again why i kept caring. now i know without a doubt why i care. i am absolutely involved. you lied to me, you duped me, you violated my trust in a non-existent friendship.

you're laughable. you don't see how you've done anything wrong? you lie and manipulate just to get an audience, like you did today. i so wish that i could step into his shoes and deal with you just for once. i'd tell you to come and get your own trash or you can find it in the dumpster on tuesday. i'd tell you never to call me at work again, or i'd hang up on you. and if you called back, i'd contact the authorities and report your harassment.

i forgot to tell you in my last post that if you're so concerned about people who cheat, that you should contact the wives of the husbands you've been blowing for years.

and they're not really your friends if they keep lying to you, telling you that you've done nothing wrong.

here's a song just for you. the part that makes me laugh most about you is the one i've underlined.

go to hell and stuff! ttfn.

"The Life And Death Of Mr Badmouth"
by pj harvey

Baby, you got a bad bad mouth
Everything is poison that's coming out
Cheating, lying since the day you were born
Someone outta rinse it out with soap

Wash it out, wash it out, wash it out

No kind words are coming out of your mouth
Plenty goes in but nothing good comes out
Badmouth, sad mouth, you were an unhappy child
That doesn't make your lying tongue alright

Wash it out, wash it out, wash it out

Cos everything is poison
You'll be the unhappy one
Your lips taste of poison
You're gonna be left alone

When you told me every word you said
Came from voices talking in your head
Baby, I just think you're out for what you can get
Your badmouth has killed off everything we had

Wash it out, wash it out, wash it out

Cos everything is poison
You'll be the unhappy one
Your lips taste of poison
You'll be in the corner crying

the only way out

...is to go so far in.

i'm writing this because i think things are better when you just get shit off your chest. that way, covert actions aren't necessary in order to bring balance back into your life. i've been angry far too much as of late, and it's time to put an official end to something that never was.

i won't use your name, because you know very well who you are:

i don't understand why your aggressions have been toward me, since the only thing i've ever done against you was to insist you leave. and the only reason i insisted that you leave was because you never did anything to benefit the house. you were actually working against it long before i had any idea.

you were kept. you stayed at home and did very little while the three of us worked to pay rent, pay utilities, and to buy food. you actually had the audacity to tell one of us on at least one occasion that you deserved a break when we started cleaning our house one weekend. a break from what? doing the dishes? we worked all week to keep you, and we came home on the weekends to chores that you didn't do because of some fucked-up thinking of yours?

he tried to rid himself of your luggage so many times.... and i stepped in on your behalf so many times because i genuinely didn't want you to leave. i had fucked-up thoughts that you would want to make your life better if you knew you had people around you who really did love you. but your solitary goal has forever been just to ensure a place for yourself at the best possible table.

i keep thinking about the trip that we're going to be taking in a couple weeks, and i can feel your absence. i remember a year ago (tonight, wasn't it?) that you and i stood on the beach while they went to the car to get something. you cried and hugged me and told me how thankful you were to have us, that you never would have gotten to do this if it weren't for the three of us, that we had such a positive influence on your life. but, yet again, manipulation at its finest!

you cry and bitch and moan in public in hopes that someone's going to feel sorry for you! the only people who're going to feel sorry for you are the people who don't know you. do you hear what i am saying!? people who DO NOT KNOW YOU!! those are the people who're around you now. they don't know you. they don't look at you for who you really are, because they have nothing invested in you. you're an excuse for them as much as they're an excuse for you!!

you cry because your parents don't buy you ice cream? how about crying due to the fact that you're 40 fucking years old and you've never had a job? how about crying due to the fact that you're 40 fucking years old and you have no way in the fucking world to keep yourself? how about crying due to the fact that you're 40 years old and you don't have a motherfucking thing to show for it!? he pushed you! i pushed you! we cheered for you! we were disappointed along with you, and what did you do for us? you manipulated in order to make a place for you at our table.

poor, pitiful you! you had such a horrible childhood! you have such miserable excuses for paretns! they may have treated you badly for a few years, but you've treated yourself badly for so very, very much longer!

you cry because you're back there and you've lost the one you love, you've lost your friends! the one you love? you never loved him! you fucking loved what he did for you! you loved the fact that he provided a shelter for you. you loved the fact that he never gave you too much grief about sitting on your ass in front of the television and computer instead of getting up and doing SOMETHING POSITIVE with your life! and i was so fucking obviously never your friend! you just liked having someone to cart you around, someone who was doing something with his life...just so you'd get the points.

it made me sick the other night when i read what you'd written on a public forum! YOU have a problem? your problem was that i am having an affair with your ex and you really didn't know if you should tell my guy (whom you dubbed as your "friend") or just stay out of it? when the hell did you start caring about my guy? i remember your exact words sometime around the time you threw the key at me or around the time you got up in my face and threatened me: "i can't stand nick!" you're a manipulator, right down to the fucking core. the people in this house know that. we are immune to your bullshit! so just let go. live honestly. face the facts. i'll tell you what your problem is: it's that you're 40 fucking years old and you haven't got a clue about reality!

so go on and fucking cry, cry, cry because you've lost it all. make sure all the strangers of the world hear how you're a victim of circumstance. i know that you're a victim of your own making!

and don't be so fucking stupid as to think he's choosing me over you. he's choosing sanity over imprisonment with someone who has nothing to give. i don't tell anyone what do do, but he knows that i'll have nothing to do with anyone who has anything to do with you. and that goes for him, as well. if he has such a very low opinion of himself that he feels that he needs to have someone with your expansive lack of morality in his life, then i will not take part in that life. you're a disease that's catching. i want absolutely no part of you.

...that goes forever. i am beyond finished with you. you have killed off any positive feelings that remained in me for you. you are a book that's been read and you're not going back on my shelf. you're going to the incenerator. i will have nothing to do with you ever again! and that is completely your doing! you have done it. it hasn't been done to you.

one more thing: if you ever get another chance with someone who cares about you (be it a friend, a lover), i really do wish you well. don't fuck it up. face your mistakes and learn from them now. become a better person, a person who's worthy of actually finding that love again.

and as of right now, i'm shutting you out of my life for good. you're not going to make me angry anymore. i'm not going to listen to your bullshit anymore. i'm not going to pity the fact that you're living in a prison that you've brought down around yourself. and i'm not going to live in the same house or be friends with anyone who has you as a part of his life.

goodbye and good luck in not letting history repeat itself.

life

last nite my love for him matured, deepened. he's my home, my love, my partner. this is our journey. he knows my secrets, my insecurity. we're growing.

justice

i hate and i hate stupid fucks.

guess who?

i would shit at the jamaica inn.... it soo sounds like that's what she's saying.

i really like reese, but i think joaquin deserved it more than she. i was hoping brokeback would win best. jake gyllenhaal is pretty hot. it was so hot when heath spit-fucked him! (but it probably was "over-praised for its social significance.")

overall, life's been quite busy. i go to school, come home, and work. at least, i should be working. i'm not a good writing teacher. i need to work on that. i'll be better next year. i promise.

i can't wait for tybee. four weeks from tomorrow, baby! =) when we get to spring break, life will be so much easier. i swear that i'm going to sleep all summer.

i haven't started to itch yet, but i need something to drink.

won't it be neat when we're all, like, 80 and we're able to look back at our blogs and remember who we were and stuff?

piggle.

amen

i am so sick of stupid fucking shits who can't seem to get an iota of a clue! it keeps raining on me and raining on me and i'm getting wet, so why doesn't it stop raining? how about getting a motherfucking umbrella and riding it home to momma?