my goal

my goal this evening to is to continue where i left off with that last entry.  today i began a journey with a new counselor, after not seeing a counselor regularly for for about seven months now.  before meeting with her today, i began to think about my goals for this round of counseling, what i want to accomplish while on this journey together, and those goals presented themselves as obvious extensions of my present journey because i'm on a good path right now. 

i want to work on having a life-long, committed relationship.  someone to come home to.  a best friend.  a confidant.  someone to depend on.  someone to share my life with.  holidays.  anniversaries.  tragedies.  victories.  a common perception of the future.  a real, honest-to-goodness adult relationship.  joint checking account.  common assets.  a family.  our family.  that's all. 

and it's not that a relationship is the end goal.  the end goal is feeling as though i'm in the right place to attract a quality human being who just may want to begin a relationship with me that will evolve into the life-long deal. 

and in order to get there, i obviously need to focus on self-esteem, self-worth.  the last long-term relationship i was in (yes, i'm referring to nick the dick) began by my finding out that he'd been cheating just days before we moved in together.  and he'd never talk about it.  in fact, when i was upset about it, he pretty much blamed me for over-reacting, like it was somehow my fault.  my only fault is that i felt that i wasn't good enough to demand better.  my only fault was being in love with an honest-to-god loser whose only love interest was his (poofy-dyed-haired, too much make-up-wearing, loud-mouthed) mother and his (controlled by mommy and poppy) sister. 

and i have to say that i love a lot of what i have going on right now.  i'm falling in love with my home.  i'm falling in love with ME!  no, seriously.  i truly believe that a love affair is in its early stages.  just me and me.  and i do know that has to happen before anyone else can join in the picture. 

i'm making many improvements to my home, and i'm beginning to see what it can be.  i am making the improvements.  with my money.  my labor. 

and i have help, people who truly give a shit about my well-being.  i see that support system on a daily basis.  and i have no room in my life for other losers.  i see quality.  i see possibility. 

i just want that feeling of safety, of the opposite of lonely when i climb into bed at night and feel him beside me.  feel him wanting to be beside me.  common goals, conversation that arises from curiosity because we legitimately care what's going on in the other's life. 

(that is opposed to the last relationship i was in in, where he'd turn his back to me when we turned out the lights, wait until i was soundly asleep, and then go talk with various men online before falling asleep on the couch.)

totally not using parentheses here, because this is pretty fucking major.  did i fucking mention that he was a racist pig, all because he couldn't separate himself from his loud, painted, obnoxious mother?  (there was a place near his home that was somehow someday called something to the effect of n***er run, and he had no problem calling it that.  nor did his obnoxious, bitch of a mom.) 

yes, i feel still feel anger toward the motherfucking prick, and i'm not going to stifle it.  it's there, and it's organic, and i'm going to let it go.  i'm going to experience, so that it will dissipate.  he was a loser.  and i was in love with him. 

and it's been a long, long journey, but i now i know that i deserve so much better.  and i love him.  i still love him.  and so i hope that he's bettered himself, too, and that he's happy and healthy and is curing his dysfunction.  and becoming a man who contributes to the betterment of this fucked-up world.