Wednesday, January 23, 2013

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1/23/2013 02:53:00 PM
Does anyone else hear the irony in a teacher yelling at her students to _________ quietly?

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Saturday, January 19, 2013

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1/19/2013 10:51:00 PM
I look forward to going to bed every night. It's just to be away from the taunts and the busy and the isolation. I hope that when I die, it's inside a peaceful, yearned-for sleep like the one I'm headed for tonite, and I hope that I don't have any notion that it's coming. And when I'm gone, I'd like to be cremated, if you're sure it won't hurt. Scatter my ashes in the Atlantic, please.

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it's not great, but it's a great start

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1/19/2013 10:37:00 AM


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Friday, January 18, 2013

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1/18/2013 06:59:00 AM

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Thursday, January 17, 2013

Nicest Thing

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1/17/2013 09:06:00 PM
I know it's fucking lame, but I wish there were just one person out there who cared enough about who I am that s/he'd put in the effort, and dig, to figure me out. 
 
I wish that you loved me;
I wish that you needed me.
 
Nicest Thing
by Kate Nash

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favorite guy
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you'd always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish we could see if we could be something

 


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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

fuck off

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1/16/2013 07:08:00 PM
my aunt, who owns the property where i live, has always had deep issues with stupidity.  ...actually, i'm not sure who really owns the property.  my name is on the deed at the courthouse, and i believe she has it set up so that she has a lifetime estate (or whatthefuckever it's called).  in any case, we've all (my dad, sorta included) been working to make progress.  we tore down all the old outbuildings this past summer and had a brand new barn built.  by a professional.  and now, because we have four horses, we need some fence work done.  there's fence, but it's old, and there are holes.  the fence around the barn is non-existent, so i've been keeping the horses in the barn for the past month or so.  that's a good thing, with the cold, winter weather and shit.  but this past weekend, we had really awesome weather (60+ degrees) so i turned the horses out into the pasture, and i was nervous the whole time, afraid they were going to get out of the fence and go who-knows-where, so i asked my aunt to help me secure a loan (i have too much debt to get a reasonable loan) in order to have someone build a new fence.  this evening i told her i'd contacted a builder who was coming in on saturday to give us an estimate.  her response was, "we can't get a loan without putting up the property, and i'm not putting up MY property [for collateral.]"  my response was, "you do what you have to do to get shit done."  she said she didn't want to lose HER property.  my response?  "how're you going to lose it?"  her response?  "i can't pay the loan off."  my response?  "you're not paying it off; i am."  ...and i fucking wish i had the debt problems she has, with thousands upon thousands in the bank.

but the whole point here is her continued irrational shenanigans.  nothing's worth having, unless you can take care of it.  i've dealt with this shit my WHOLE life.  WHOLE life!  no fucking kidding.  she and my dad spent all of my childhood fighting IN COURT as to who the owner of this fucking place is.  for what?  it's shit.  i'm embarrassed to bring any of my friends here.  it's getting better, though, and i WILL have a nice place to live.  and if she makes this too complicated, i'll walk.  i've wasted too many years holding myself back because of others' stupidity. 

i'm not many years away from 40, and i'm living here with my dad, and she's next door.  for what?  because my dad's too idiotic to take care of himself.  and she's pretty goddamned dumb, too.  but, you know what?  my dad's never attempted to forge a relationship with me.  you know what he got me for christmas?  i don't either.  i saw nothing.  never have.  it's not about the tangible; it's about the intangible it represents.  his gratitude that i'm willing to stay here and make sure he's taken care of.  nothing. 

so, my plan?  i walk.  my mom put their house in my name before she passed away, so it's mine.  and it's on my "aunt's property".  you know what happens if i walk?  this house fucking gets demolished.  promise.  then i'll never see or hear from them again.  promise. 

i am attempting to do for myself something which no one has ever done for me - make myself a home (of which i can be proud).  

they're the only family i have.  and i don't have any close friends anymore.  one?  maybe.  but i'll survive.  there are certainly people out there with whom i can bond.  i'm pretty sure i'm pretty awesome.  most of the time.  anyway. 

i control my life.  and i control my reactions to it.  i'm too fucking negative for you?  i'd suggest you walk the fuck out of my life.

too. 

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Saturday, January 12, 2013

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1/12/2013 06:50:00 PM
Oh, and.... Fuck cancer!

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Mama

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1/12/2013 06:37:00 PM
Exactly one year ago, my mom was living out her last few minutes. I won't ever let a date on a calendar control my emotions, but I'll forever miss my mama. She was absolutely the best mama for me. She's a part of me, and she most definitely deserves to be remembered with love and respect. I do that every minute of every day. I will always love you, Mom. : )

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Thursday, January 10, 2013

jesus wants us to love everyone...even ourselves

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1/10/2013 08:30:00 PM

i'm getting better at facing my "fears" and just doing the fucking things i need to do.  for instance, today i was on a trip for work.  last nite i had to drive to the nearest big city, check into a hotel and meet colleagues at a restaurant for dinner.  and i did it all... alone.  in major rush hour traffic.  and i really didn't feel the anxiety i used to feel.  i'm also getting used to be surrounded by people i don't know and also speaking my mind.  and getting up to pee in the middle of a meeting involving 100+ guests, and not not doing it, because i don't want x set of eyes on me.  so there's a victory for me.  or more than one, if you want to be all pollyanna-like.  and i do. 

also, i've always felt so overwhelmed with my job.  i don't think anyone who's never been a (great) teacher can truly empathize with all the shit a teacher has to do.  i really do believe we have one of the toughest, most time-consuming jobs ever.  period.  and as i was driving home this evening, i realized that i learned a lot today.  i have a lot of ideas to ponder after today.  i have a lot of potential uses for the knowledge i gained today.  and it felt overwhelming.  and it just came to me....  define what success at work means to me and work toward it.  one step at a time.  one step at a time, and on from there.  (a tired-as-fuck metaphor, but it works!)  i'll never be perfect, but i'll be what i want to be as long as i'm growing and evolving. 

that goes for weight issues, too.  i don't like my weight issues.  i don't like the way i look.  i haven't watched myself masturbate in a mirror for a REALLY long time!  but as long as i'm making progress, that's what matters.  i'm still a good person.  i'm still wonderful.  i'm still the me the world needs me to be because i'm being authentic.  i just have to stop eating out of discontent.  and taking drugs out of discontent.  neither of those things leads to the life i want. 

evolution's what this life's all about!  ciao!

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Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Pity party just for me

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1/08/2013 08:44:00 PM
I wish I had someones I could call up and talk with about anything. It'd be too much for one person to handle, so that's why we need more than just one other person to handle us.

Tonite I need someone to talk me through my discontent with my colleagues. Who the fuck knew being a teacher would feel so much like being a fucking high school student? Who knew so many popularity politics would be at play? Who knew it'd be such a game you have to learn to play through trial and error? Who knew there'd be so much hen-pecking to death of those not like everyone else? I love, love, love the essence of my job, but I fucking loathe all the baggage and the bags that come with.

And I need someone to run through this with me tonite. I need the touch of another human. I need the love, the caring, the nurturing of another human. I need to feel what another adult has to give. To give. To fucking give! I want to be on the motherfucking receiving end of shit just for a little fucking while.

I'm worn the fuck out tonite. I miss my mom. I miss her like crazy. And I'm lonely. And I'm alone. And I'm sad. And I'm anxious about what's to come. And I just want someone. Someone quality. Some quality one.

I want that before I'm sure I don't deserve anyone. I need loved.

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Sunday, January 06, 2013

fucking cray cray!

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1/06/2013 01:11:00 PM
people who constantly use facebook in order to scream that which defines them are equivalent to the jim carrey character on in living color who'd walk into any room and shout, "i'm gay!"  or was that mad tv, and not jim carrey, but the stewart guy?   matters not, but what matters is these people really need to expand their horizons.  perhaps instead of looking at the world through the pregnant lens (e.g., this mama's going to get her haircut today.  5 weeks!) or the sick lens (e.g., i feel like i complain all the time, but i have to take my meds today and they're not going to win!  i'm going to bed.  i wish i could be awake like everyone else.  no one knows what this feels like.), look at the world through the person lens (e.g., christmas was fantastic, but now i'm looking forward to easter, because i'm going to weigh 30 pounds less than i do now.)?  however, you must remember not to over talk the weight loss shit.  let nothing consume you, bitch.  show your dynamic self?  it's much more appealing to those of us who may want to get in your pantaloons. 
 
(and why the fuck can i not upload a motherfucking picture from my fucking hard drive?)

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Saturday, January 05, 2013

tudu

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1/05/2013 03:56:00 PM


my tudu list today consists of: 
  1. clean out my closet. (like vacuum the floor and shit.)
  2. wash the comforter that be on my bed.  (too damn many cats have been lying on it.)
  3. wash all the other dirties in the haus.
  4. make word study plans for the upcoming month o' school.
  5. complete my newsletter for back-to-school.
  6. complete my plans for my students' (dreaded) writing project.
  7. think about some "what if's" and write. 
there was something else on there, but it's in the process of becoming accomplished anyhow.  and i don't want to reveal too much about my nasty habits to my billions of readers.
 
my secret plan is to become a best-selling author of the first of many best-selling books and move on with my life.  not that i don't love my job.  there're just too many folks who aren't educators running the "business".  and i find that ironic in the most moronic sense. 
 
popular girls with money and degrees and attitudes.  that's all you gots to have to succeed in this fucked-up world of today. 
 
i need to be at the highest rung possible in the self-ownership section of life.  that, and i love to be creative and baffling. 
 
and somewhat overwhelming. 
 

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Friday, January 04, 2013

every nite

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1/04/2013 10:33:00 PM
What's so fucking fantastic about being ordinary, fairytale? What's the payoff? Is it feeling like you're doing something others can't? Are you simply winning the game you're running inside your head? Are you truly happy being a servant with control issues?

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Thursday, January 03, 2013

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1/03/2013 01:09:00 PM
i'm pretty sure this is a promotional shot from a porn.  definitely not a promotional shot from an ob/gyn practice.  this'd have to be the most horrid job one could have.  either porn actor or ob/gyn.  but i suppose most ob/gyn's don't get into the business for the pussy.  i doubt that porn actors are in it for the pussy either.  it's all for self-glorification.  we all know that "straight" men secretly want other men to want them, and, generally speaking, other "straight" men do want them.  we're all pansexual, but we're so brainwashed by the customs of our society to be who we they really want us to be.  even me.  i'm sure i'm pansexual, but i still can't fathom putting my tongue into a twat.  it's society who's done that to me, and yet they've persecuted me for that.  i've always wanted to be my mama or my aunt, junie b. jones.  i want to be the wife.  i want to push the baby out.  i want to join all the other mean-girl mama's for pto meetings, and slam the other non-cool mama's and teachers and such.  dan pearce is freaking superb!

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Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Where the Past Meets with the Present

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1/01/2013 10:54:00 PM


I've spent a lot of time in 2012 thinking about death.  My mama passed away on January 12, 2012, so the year was started off with the right stuff to nudge me down that lane.  I've determined that I am an adult, finally, and I am next in the generational line for death to take me.  And I'm not as ambivalent about it as I once thought I was.  Death has me on my toes, because I know he's lurking around here somewhere, and he could overpower me at any moment.  But that's led to a somewhat positive turn of events.  I'm becoming more and more adamant about routinely living each day to the fullest.  But it hasn't manifested into a reality yet.  Really.  I've done a lot of living inside my head over the years.  (Ask any of my former husbands.)  And I still have that blasphemous habit. 

No New Year's resolutions for me either.  There's no reason that the New Year has to be started off with great intentions that only fade away as the days progress, only to be forgotten until the next year, constantly looking forward to the next event that'll break the monotony.  (I've determined that the time for monotony set-in is somewhere between the 7 days and two-weeks marker, for me.) 

I don't want ever again to look back on my life and wonder where the time has gone.  I want to have lived in each and every moment I've been afforded in this experience we call life.  I want to be doing exactly what I want to do, what feels totally right for me.  I know I'm going to die, and I know all the chances and possibilities and procrastination will catch up with me then.  Of course, that depends upon the way in which death takes me.  (I hope he makes it fast, so that I don't even know that it's coming.)  If I don't know he's about to get me, then I won't have the time to ponder all that I've failed to do with my life.  So that crap's my resolution.  Not my New Year's resolution.  But my life's resolution.  I know there will be days and maybe even months or years in which I fail to prosper and fill these measures of time with the adventures that fulfill me. 

I'm going to quit being so fucking afraid all the time.  If I want to walk into WalMart at noon on the third of the month, by God, I'm going to do it. 

I'm going to try vegetarianism.  I'm going to try and give my digestive system a fucking break.  Clean the bitch out.  I'm sure it's easier to have the dick of the one you love up your ass when your system's not already so full of digesting food.  Make room for the dick.  That's going to be my logo.  Not my logo.  The logo of my diet. 

I'm also a little afraid that death is imminent for the human species as a whole.  We've become so tribal, so insecure about our selves, that we constantly seek to one-up those around us, even the ones we love.  Or am I missing something?  Is this simply my world?  I remembered growing up today, about how different life felt when there were different gate-keepers.  Those gate-keepers concerned themselves with community.  We were one.  If there was something wrong, something neglected in the life of another in the community, we felt it our obligation to fix it, to do some good.  Now drugs are rampant, and what for?  To numb ourselves so that we don't have do deal with the realities we've created?  Because we don't know how to deal with those realities?  I'm not going to lie here.  I have my own drug demons. 

Have you ever contemplated the cyclic nature of our lives, of nature?  There's the reproduction, birth, adulthood, reproduction, later life, death, and it keeps repeating?  There's the menstrual cycle.  There's the cycle of seasons.  There's the orbital path of the planets around the sun.  (And that happens in other solar systems, too, right?)  Life and death.  We know that dinosaurs were decimated, extinct.  We've witnessed the demise of several species.  We're not far away from that.  Our cycle has cycled, and we're definitely on the path to destruction with all the hate and fear and loathing that's present in our culture.  There are so many fucking advances in medicine and technology and theology and government that we're killing ourselves with those things.  You didn't think the government card fit, did you?  But we've always had issues with government!  But have the issues ever really been so motherfucking far-reaching?  This is mine; that's yours.  Touch it, and get nuked! 

We're going down.  I know it.  And I believe the social consciousness knows it, too.  Look at all the infatuation with the end.  There was this Mayan calendar shit.  After we made it past December 21, I read about an asteroid that's going to come precariously close to the earth in 2040-ish.  As a whole, we know it's coming, and we don't want to be taken by surprise.  We want to survive this.  We want our kids, our family to come out of this alive, to be able to become the Adam and the Eve for the next wave of folks.  To hold the secrets for the future generations, like the writers of our Holy books have done. 

Money's not the root of all evil; power is the root of all evil. 

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