jesus wants us to love everyone...even ourselves

i'm getting better at facing my "fears" and just doing the fucking things i need to do.  for instance, today i was on a trip for work.  last nite i had to drive to the nearest big city, check into a hotel and meet colleagues at a restaurant for dinner.  and i did it all... alone.  in major rush hour traffic.  and i really didn't feel the anxiety i used to feel.  i'm also getting used to be surrounded by people i don't know and also speaking my mind.  and getting up to pee in the middle of a meeting involving 100+ guests, and not not doing it, because i don't want x set of eyes on me.  so there's a victory for me.  or more than one, if you want to be all pollyanna-like.  and i do. 

also, i've always felt so overwhelmed with my job.  i don't think anyone who's never been a (great) teacher can truly empathize with all the shit a teacher has to do.  i really do believe we have one of the toughest, most time-consuming jobs ever.  period.  and as i was driving home this evening, i realized that i learned a lot today.  i have a lot of ideas to ponder after today.  i have a lot of potential uses for the knowledge i gained today.  and it felt overwhelming.  and it just came to me....  define what success at work means to me and work toward it.  one step at a time.  one step at a time, and on from there.  (a tired-as-fuck metaphor, but it works!)  i'll never be perfect, but i'll be what i want to be as long as i'm growing and evolving. 

that goes for weight issues, too.  i don't like my weight issues.  i don't like the way i look.  i haven't watched myself masturbate in a mirror for a REALLY long time!  but as long as i'm making progress, that's what matters.  i'm still a good person.  i'm still wonderful.  i'm still the me the world needs me to be because i'm being authentic.  i just have to stop eating out of discontent.  and taking drugs out of discontent.  neither of those things leads to the life i want. 

evolution's what this life's all about!  ciao!