Tuesday, February 28, 2006

when you gonna make up your mind?

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2/28/2006 05:43:00 PM
when you gonna love you as much as i do?

today was so nice. some of my kids complained that it was HOT in our room and asked me to open windows! =) it's the last day of february. that means that march is tomorrow. march is green. february was red, to cover up the cold and snow. i've had st. patty's decorations up since valentine's day ended. i love spring. it's my favorite season.

except there's not a whole lot to do evenings now. i need hobbies! (notice that i said that *i* need hobbies, and not that the world needs to fecking entertain me!) i've seriously thought about taking up crocheting. i'd actually like to try it. it seems so cool. yeah, and.... there's always that novella lingering in the back of my mind. i could fucking work on it.

that's why i asked santa for this laptop for jesus' birthday.

and i could take molly for walks. but i want molly to get fat and lazy. soon. she's too fucking hyper and shitake.

you say that things change, my dear.

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Monday, February 27, 2006

that's why i'm here

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2/27/2006 08:38:00 PM
sometimes there seems to be too many questions to remain sane. how do you avoid feeling incompetent because you're not an expert at everything that's possible?

there are only 13 weeks of school left! i just need to get this year over with. =)

our vacation is in 6 weeks. =)

just fucking email me or something. it's your turn afterall! =)

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Sunday, February 26, 2006

productivity

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2/26/2006 07:48:00 PM
the music i am in love with at the moment: rachael yamagata, "the reason why"

the web site i am in love with at the moment: post secret

today we had such a productive day.... (the remainder of this paragraph has been deleted to save innocent souls from boredom.)

blogging's been on my list o' things to do this weekend, but i'm not getting around to it until now, late sunday evening.

i've wanted to blog about issues of late last week. my principal came to visit me on friday morning before school began. in fact, i got the feeling that he'd been awaiting my arrival. i already had it planned, because i'd been thinking it out. i grew up alone, i lived alone, so it only follows that i work alone as an adult. it's the way i do things. i resent people i don't know telling me how to get it done. instead, i prefer guidelines and then to work alone. it's perfectly valid and i refuse to let anyone tell me it's not okay. but it worked out alright. he just wanted to make sure i know what i'm getting myself into (alone). things're going to work out well, because there have been few things in my life as important to me as being a good teacher.

but i did arrive at a helpful, new hypothesis as a result of all this thinking, and i'm going to share. however, remember that it's only a hypothesis. =) there are two kinds of people, those that accept responsibility for the control of their lives, and those that attempt to control the world in their quest for self-control. the former are the successful ones. the latter are the ones who go through life continually looking for something that's unattainable. those who've transformed from the latter into the former are the only true artists.

i just felt so much more at ease when i accepted this as probable truth. i control myself in relation to the world; i don't control the world in relation to myself.

for instance, i have to be the one who's strong....

you must remember you're a star, girl!

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Thursday, February 23, 2006

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2/23/2006 09:47:00 PM
i was going to write about very deep stuff tonite because i've been thinking very deep thoughts all day. i almost cried in front of my kids today. a few times. but there's nothing specific about that. it's about my interactions with the people around me.

you see, i'm a quiet person. shy even. i'm not a good bullshitter when it comes to being vocal. if i don't feel it, i don't have a lot to say. that should be okay. but it makes people feel that i'm a snob, that i don't desire companionship. and it pisses me off!

because people are all allowed to be who they are. aren't we exploring the possibility of accepting the idea that everyone has something to offer? everyone deserves to be respected.

and another thing: why do some people just fucking piss me off? is it because i see in them the things i do not like in myself.

so anway.... i'm falling flat here.

g'nite.

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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

vaginastic

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2/22/2006 06:51:00 PM
vaginastic is a new word i came up with when we got molly, the dog. it describes her fantastic femininity.

i'd wanted a puppy for a really long time and one day in september when i was at my mom's, my dad found her under the horse trough.

i brought her here after we moved. so she's lived with us since october. she can be quite annoying at times.

there be pictures of her down on my new flickr badge.

it's hard to believe that tomorrow's thursday already. the weekend'll go by really fast though. that's psad. but it means we're closer to vacation and shitake.

hopefully this friday we'll get to reserve our mothereffing house.

summer's going to be cool. i'm going to sleep from june until the end of august. get ready. here i cum.

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

new blog

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2/21/2006 05:58:00 PM
i'm starting a new blog because i can't change any of the settings on my old blog. i somehow phucked up the admin shitake.

like, i need to blog, because blogging is fun and theraputic and stuff, especially when one can be one's self.

i think i have some major depression issues going on lately. every evening i just want to come home from school and sleep. i'm not the teacher i want to be. i'm not the son i want to be. i'm not the friend i want to be. and i'm not the "hoochie bear" i want to be.

perhaps this just all means that i'm not being the me i want to be. but i could bitch and moan and cry and plead because i don't have much of a support system. i envy certain friends of mine who have parents they can run to, parents they can talk to. they have parents who've made their place in the world and they can offer up some good advice and other stuff. i don't have that. i have to do that for my parents.

and friends.... they're all somewhere. make new ones? i don't fit into the crust at school. i'm a crumb. everyone's a woman who's married and has 2.5 children. they all live on the hill. they all scrapbook on friday nite. they all sell tupperware and get together to squat over mirrors and check their vaginas out. i don't fit in. i fit out. i connect with zero. i'm not even a prime number.

i have dreams:
  • be hot, so that i turn people on by being nekkid.
  • take piano lessons.
  • try yoga, or some body/mind connecting exercise.
  • build my personal wealth.
  • own my own home.
  • write. get paid to write.


confession: (why i know not.) i'm doing this from upon the crapper.

i've even thought about going to a doctor to get anti-depressants. pills can be nice, especially when they're prescribed to you. but my philosophy was all natural, you can do it on your own. and i still hold that dear to my heart, but what about when you're pushing and pulling and you're sick of pushing and pulling being the meat and potatoes of your life?

we're traveling this spring. that's what i'm living for right now. we're going to savannah again, tybee to be more exact. our plan is to rent a house for a week and have a relaxing, non-tourist time of it. i love savannah. i can't fucking wait.

i want to do more with my life. i want to be someone like this again. i can actually look at that and smile, not berate because he wasn't perfect.

happy birthday, nick. i love you.

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