Thursday, June 29, 2006

white wedding

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6/29/2006 02:29:00 PM

the quality of this image absolutely sucks, but i hope you can find it in your heart to read it. =) (click on it to open it in a new window.)

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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

sick and fucking tired

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6/28/2006 11:27:00 PM
some important pieces of information were inadvertently revealed to me last nite. now my perspective is almost from the other side of the fence. it really frustrates me that a certain person was keeping secrets all along, just to ensure a positive outcome on his behalf. turns out, i even fired some shots at others who were also only misinformed. a friendship i enjoyed has been killed off (though solitary blame cannot be cast for that one). i'm simply sick and fucking tired of dealing with people who can't just fucking sit down and take a good, hard, long look in the mirror.

it occurred to me this afternoon that there's nothing rational about you.

you really fucking have to get your fucking priorities together. (and then move forward.)

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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

my mouth can't just stay shut!

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6/27/2006 11:25:00 PM
the three of us were having a lovely evening, making the curtains you see here. then we started on placemats. unfortunately, in the middle of all this, someone pissed me the fuck off! goddammit all to hell!

okay, so i had a weak moment a few days ago. i reminisced about the good days in a friendship gone straight to hell. and now that he's played all the other cards fucktards keep giving him, he thinks he's going to play me by saying, "I do miss you and do still love you even though people say i'm crazy for it. but thats nothing unusual, people say i'm crazy anyway." wow! he sho' know how to woo a girl, don't he?

okay. so first of all, i wouldn't recommend you for a relationship with a fucking weasel, let alone someone i care about. if you really fucking cared about him, you'd concentrate on being the wonderful kind of person he deserves to have in his life, instead of fucking playing games!

and i have to wonder if all the fantastic people out there would think it "mean-spirited" of YOU when you say that you'd have no problem "decking" me? nah! you've had such a hard life, all at the hands of everyone else other than yourself. by the way, those are the kinds of fucktards who don't really have any effect on me when they say stuff like, "you're crazy for loving him." those are the kinds of fucktards who sway in the breeze, along with every little lie you utter. they aren't friends or even people who really, truly, honestly care about good things happening to people; they're the people who think life should simply be a series of uncomplicated events. i know life's not easy. i don't want my life to be easy. i want my life to matter and to be worth something. therefore, i know things are going to get complicated.

in any case i do love you, and i don't think i'm crazy for it. i love you in that i want the very best for you. i want your life to matter. i want you to know what it feels like to be paid for a job well-done. i want you to know what it feels like to OWN the knowledge that you're capable of taking care of yourself! i want you to know what it feels like to move forward in a positive direction with your own self in charge of what happens to you. i want you to understand that relationship doesn't equal manipulation. i want you to wake up with a smile on your face every day, because you're waking up in the same bed with the person who cares for you more than anyone could ever care for you: you!

and the process of getting there's not easy. it's not going to be as easy as telling lies to someone's family in hopes that they'll win him back for you. it's not going to be as easy as "not taking no for an answer." it's not going to be as easy as threatening suicide.

i really do wish the best for you. maybe someday we can be friends again when those people who think you're crazy stop telling you lies and you take charge of your own life.

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6/27/2006 02:51:00 PM
small things that i love.

  1. mose's face poofs. they're so soft and silky.
  2. i love it when moses hangs out outside the bedroom door at 6 am every morning, just wanting into our room. he loves coming into our room in the morning and sleeping with whomever's still in bed.
  3. being carried on the hazy, humid twighlight of an impending summer night.

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Friday, June 23, 2006

definition

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6/23/2006 10:48:00 PM
dy·nam·ic - Characterized by continuous change, activity, or progress.

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do you ever

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6/23/2006 10:28:00 PM
miss someone you absolutely cared about, even though you've vowed to hate them for an eternity? we all do such stupid, hateful things. if you read this, i love you and i miss the old days before we became so tangled up in the stupid shit.

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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

extraordinary machine

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6/21/2006 09:59:00 PM
i want so fucking badly to be that teacher working through the summer when his/her other half is available to help, because it's just too much to do alone. i so fucking want to be a part of a family that works. i so fucking want mutual longing, mutual knowing, mutual caring, mutual interests. i so fucking want the bonding agent that is positive recognition/validation by society, family. i so fucking want!

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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

mas

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6/20/2006 11:00:00 PM
i'm watching the angelina jolie interview on cnn. i like what she's done and i like what she's doing. she's doing what we all should be doing: giving back, keeping the cycle going.

i go a little bit crazy every summer. it's a little bit because i don't have a purpose, and maybe i'm a little too unfocused and unmotivated to develop focus and motivation. that's not an excuse.

there are too many things i feel right now. i talked to my best friend from fifth grade online tonite until yahoo killed us. catching up, we talked about her kids and her husband. i felt left out. i feel left out of real life. i feel like i'm living a television show, a book, completely unworthy of reality. i'm standing just on the outside where no one can see who i really am.

per something, i keep people away by being a bitch. i want someone to have big expectations for me. i need to work on developing a person i like.

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yes, jesus loves me

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6/20/2006 04:54:00 PM

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pissed off

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6/20/2006 01:24:00 PM
i'm fucking pissed off, and when i'm pissed off, i have a hard time just letting it go. letting it out, i think, is the best bet anyway. you can solve a few issues that way, so they'll never show their fake fucking smile up in your face again.

when i have a relationship, i've earned my right to respond however the fuck i feel i need to respond to that relationship. i had a supposed friendship with a fucking leech! he took and he took and he lied and he lied and he manipulated and he manipulated. and now if i'm a little bit pissed off about it, i have no fucking problem telling the world about it! and it's none of your goddamned business!

if YOU like the feeling of having the life sucked out of you, go for it! i'm not going to interfere! however, i will tell you: it's none of your fucking business how i deal with my anger! you're suffering under an illusion that he's your friend, when all he's ever tried to do is manipulate you so he can have his way through life paid for yet again. your problem! i stay out of the way of people who swim with low-lifes.

and it's really sad that you're not a bit more supportive of your brother who's trying to move on with his life with someone who's not out just to get anything and everything he can get! take the easy road and live with regrets!

now that your true opinion of me has surfaced, we won't have to worry about fake smiles anymore, because you're more than welcome to go straight to hell!

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Monday, June 19, 2006

my new hero

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6/19/2006 09:38:00 PM
i've been able to read a lot more since summer break came upon us, and at the end of the school year, one of my lovely students gave me a $50 gift certificate for amazon.com. everything i ordered has now arrived, and rose wilder lane is becoming my new hero.

making the best of things is a damn poor way of dealing with them. a person who starts out as a mal-nutrition child in an ozark log cabin and gets even as far as i've got, does it by raising hell about things, not by making the best of them.

-rose wilder lane


so things are getting a little less spastic, and i'm falling into the routine of doing nothing for pay. how happy that is!

phil had a male guest in his bedroom last nite, and i have to say it makes me happy to see him moving on. tonite when we were on our way out of the complex in his new car, we passed some older african-american lady who decided not to wear a bra, but to wear a skimpy little tank top instead. i made the horrendous error of looking over at her jet-shaped tits dangling down somewhere near the pavement. i died just a little.

well, i do believe that i'm going to go read me some more of that rose wilder lane and give me computer a rest.

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Friday, June 16, 2006

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6/16/2006 12:00:00 PM
i feel like taking up running.

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Thursday, June 15, 2006

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6/15/2006 07:17:00 PM
Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack,
I've been too long, I'm glad to be back"

Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos.
But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

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classic disease

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6/15/2006 04:34:00 PM
i recently read a blurb from some christian wannabe who was advocating close, honest relationships as the only sure path to sanity and self-fulfillment. this wannabe even offered prayer for those who feel they can't allow others to get close enough so that they're completely known and acknowledged. but aren't "christians" some of the most judgmental individuals on the face of the earth? to be accepted, one must live by the maniacal "christian" code of conduct. this "christian" mindset has kept millions, over the centuries, from ever attaining/maintaining sanity and self-fulfillment.

in any case, these ideas remain with me. here's what some have said on the subject:

In his book, The Broken Heart, James Lynch says, "Most of the people I deal with have at the root of their physical problems the problem of loneliness. They may well be living with someone, or indeed in a busy, bustling family atmosphere but they do not know what it is to experience a close relationship. The lonely are twice as likely to suffer physical problems as those who enjoy a warm relationship with at least one other person."

Sydney Jourard in his book, The Transparent Self, said, "Every maladjusted person is someone who has not made himself known to another human being and in consequence he does not know himself. Nor can he be himself. More than that, he struggles actively to avoid becoming known by another human being. He works ceaselessly at it day and night. And it is work!"

Selwyn Hughes wrote, "We come to know ourselves only as we know how to relate effectively to others. A person who is known in a loving, trusting relationship by at least one other human being, is rich indeed and will have little fear about facing the world."


we are one.

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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

a message for you from jesus

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6/14/2006 10:13:00 PM
we put up strings and cans to keep the deer out of my motherfucking tomatoes. they were doing so well, but the fuckers keep nibbling at them nite after nite. now there are a bunch of long stems poking out into thin air with nada leaf on them.

the other day i found my very first fag hag's thing on myspace.com but i'm, like, ascared to email her and stuff. she has three kids. isn't that atrocious? someone MY AGE with THREE children! i can't keep a good hag for straight men and lesbians anyway, so what's the mofo point?

i think i'm going to look her up again and email her. i used to love her a whole bunch.

is your place in heaven worth giving up these kisses?

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january

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6/14/2006 04:16:00 PM
i have to get to texas.

we've spent all afternoon cleaning the kitchen. we rearranged the cabinets, putting everything in its logical location. like, the pots and pans are beside the range. the baking shit is above and beside the range. the other shit is on the other side of the kitchen, near the refridgerator. it all makes sense now. my soul is in harmony with jesus.

yesterday i did stuff, too. i called the student loan people and got that shitake straightened-ish out. i'll feel better when certain stuff comes in the mail. i got some other stuff straightened out, too.

i had weird dreams last nite about people i don't like anymore. i'm tired. is it because i'm so fat and unhealthy? or is it because i'm slowly dying of something tragic?

i need to get started on that best-seller. but. i'd imagined summer having some quiet time to myself. but that doesn't happen.

living should be free.

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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

talking it all out. (period)

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6/13/2006 12:36:00 PM
like, i cannot decide if the bad habits of others constitute a reason to change the rhythm of my day. back in the old days when i lived with my parents, it used to bug the hell out of me when they did nothing. i'd get out of bed and they'd just be sitting there, staring at the walls. i'd come home from school and they'd just be sitting there, staring at the walls. i'd come to the kitchen to get a bedtime snack and they'd just be sitting there, staring at the walls. i used to blame them for my lack of movement. it's difficult to be motivated to do crap when those around you don't do anything.

i woke this morning with that nervous tension, like i needed to do something. and i do. my personality's not a sit-around-and-waste-your-life-away personality. even though i've done plenty of it. it hasn't set well on my thighs and mid-section. actually, my thighs are fine(ish). it's more or less my mid-section. and stuff. i don't like it.

like, it bugs the motherfuck out of me when people don't do the little things that need to be done but prefer, instead, to concentrate on entertaining themselves. especially when they leave the little stuff (like feeding the goddamned fish) for everyfuckingbodyelse to do! i don't understand why people have such low self-esteem that all they can concentrate on is being touched or doing some touching, no matter how deadly those touches could be. nothing gets done. we're not going anywhere that way. i don't understand how people don't want to make each day better than the last.

but i also know that focusing this goddamned much of my energy on people leaves me with not a lot for myself. is it more "wrong" in the big picture just to focus on one's self or to focus on the beings that surround?

i mean those around you make your life what it is to a large degree, right? so what's the problem? i guess my problem has been not integrating the discipline into my life, since i'm the one who's in charge of this one, miniscule part of the universe. therefore, it's my job to lift, not to bog down.

surrender, then start your engines; you'll know quite soon what my mistake was.

from above: "we're not going anywhere that way." notice the me in that sentence? therefore, it's cause for concern.

argh! argh! argh! explain it to me, ice cream assassin!

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Saturday, June 10, 2006

for a moment

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6/10/2006 05:23:00 PM
the aroma of buttermilk biscuits and i'm out of here. i just want to spend some very quiet time by myself. i want to get some things accomplished. i bought bleach to clean the toilet and to kill the growth in the shower upstairs.

we're having a barbecue tomorrow. we'll all show up in our grand, green spring numbers from paris. i miss. i've missed. i'll miss.

i've started planning for next year. last week at some point i got my new grade book. i dreamed last nite that it was the first day again. i'm not so sure i'm going to be able to make it through the summer a lot like this.

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Nothing New (Just Playing)

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6/10/2006 02:47:00 PM

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