I just need someone to love me today.

I don't want to live this way. And I don't want to die this way.

I'm gonna lure you into the dark
My cold desire
To hear the boom, boom, boom of your heart
The danger is I'm dangerous
And I might just tear you apart

so i'm sitting here in the dark. on my bed. with my pups. whom i love with all my heart and soul. i've had some good days lately. things really seem to have turned around, but i still see things that have affected me my entire life.

my dad apparently believes that i can do nothing that's in any way, shape or form manly. this evening i got the tractor out and i was using the box scraper to tear through some brush and saplings, because the place is just fucking overgrown.

i'd done the same thing on sunday, and was quite proud of my results. i can't live with a nasty overgrown place. i have plans to make this place a nice home.

and hopefully at some point add a man who loves me. loves. me. me. because that just makes life better.

but before i get sidetracked. one of the pins came out of the box scraper, and my dad came right away, even though he'd just previously said he was sick and couldn't do anything. he said that i can't use the tractor to get rid of the brush because i'll damage a tire. we'll cut it out with a chainsaw.

my dad has never done shit. this place has always looked like shit. i mean, we're talking pieces of tin nailed between two fence posts because he was too stupid, lazy, something to do it the right way.

and there's a new sheriff in town, and i'm going to start doing shit the right way. i want to live a good life.

more about that amazing man later. i want a partner. i want it to be right this time. someone who loves me. i'm lovable.

i am. someone who wants to be with me permanently. someone who wants to make memories with me. share holidays with me. share with me. be with me. a man. a partner. a friend. a soulmate.

i have to believe he's out there, and that he also believes in a lifestyle similar to the one i want to continue living.

low-key. self-sufficient. animals. nurturing. growing. giving back. taking care of the earth.

warm. cuddly. fun to smooch. a hot fuck. all those things.

i just need him to show me that he feels i'm worthy of pursuit.

i know i am. fuck it.

i know i am.

Baby, you got a bad bad mouth
Everything is poison that's coming out
Cheating, lying since the day you were born
Someone outta rinse it out with soap

Wash it out, wash it out, wash it out

No kind words are coming out of your mouth
Plenty goes in but nothing good comes out
Badmouth, sad mouth, you were an unhappy child
That doesn't make your lying tongue alright

Wash it out, wash it out, wash it out

Cos everything is poison
You'll be the unhappy one
Your lips taste of poison
You're gonna be left alone

When you told me every word you said
Came from voices talking in your head
Baby, I just think you're out for what you can get
Your badmouth has killed off everything we had

Wash it out, wash it out, wash it out

Cos everything is poison
You'll be the unhappy one
Your lips taste of poison
You'll be in the corner crying

i saw you yesterday

wouldn't it be awesome if every human being who ever lived was required to write a manual about how to live the best life.  i believe that'd benefit both the reader and himself.  putting things into words is definitely putting things into perspective, and i'd love to learn life lessons from others.  i'm happy with the basics of my life now.  i just need someone.  (desire, not need.)  excuse me.  someone to share it with.  like, a decent human being who also insists on the good life and on commitment.  i may work on a draft of that manual in the near future.  as i'm working on myself.  i'm working on falling in love with myself, so i'll accept only that kind of love of which i'm worthy. 

my goal

my goal this evening to is to continue where i left off with that last entry.  today i began a journey with a new counselor, after not seeing a counselor regularly for for about seven months now.  before meeting with her today, i began to think about my goals for this round of counseling, what i want to accomplish while on this journey together, and those goals presented themselves as obvious extensions of my present journey because i'm on a good path right now. 

i want to work on having a life-long, committed relationship.  someone to come home to.  a best friend.  a confidant.  someone to depend on.  someone to share my life with.  holidays.  anniversaries.  tragedies.  victories.  a common perception of the future.  a real, honest-to-goodness adult relationship.  joint checking account.  common assets.  a family.  our family.  that's all. 

and it's not that a relationship is the end goal.  the end goal is feeling as though i'm in the right place to attract a quality human being who just may want to begin a relationship with me that will evolve into the life-long deal. 

and in order to get there, i obviously need to focus on self-esteem, self-worth.  the last long-term relationship i was in (yes, i'm referring to nick the dick) began by my finding out that he'd been cheating just days before we moved in together.  and he'd never talk about it.  in fact, when i was upset about it, he pretty much blamed me for over-reacting, like it was somehow my fault.  my only fault is that i felt that i wasn't good enough to demand better.  my only fault was being in love with an honest-to-god loser whose only love interest was his (poofy-dyed-haired, too much make-up-wearing, loud-mouthed) mother and his (controlled by mommy and poppy) sister. 

and i have to say that i love a lot of what i have going on right now.  i'm falling in love with my home.  i'm falling in love with ME!  no, seriously.  i truly believe that a love affair is in its early stages.  just me and me.  and i do know that has to happen before anyone else can join in the picture. 

i'm making many improvements to my home, and i'm beginning to see what it can be.  i am making the improvements.  with my money.  my labor. 

and i have help, people who truly give a shit about my well-being.  i see that support system on a daily basis.  and i have no room in my life for other losers.  i see quality.  i see possibility. 

i just want that feeling of safety, of the opposite of lonely when i climb into bed at night and feel him beside me.  feel him wanting to be beside me.  common goals, conversation that arises from curiosity because we legitimately care what's going on in the other's life. 

(that is opposed to the last relationship i was in in, where he'd turn his back to me when we turned out the lights, wait until i was soundly asleep, and then go talk with various men online before falling asleep on the couch.)

totally not using parentheses here, because this is pretty fucking major.  did i fucking mention that he was a racist pig, all because he couldn't separate himself from his loud, painted, obnoxious mother?  (there was a place near his home that was somehow someday called something to the effect of n***er run, and he had no problem calling it that.  nor did his obnoxious, bitch of a mom.) 

yes, i feel still feel anger toward the motherfucking prick, and i'm not going to stifle it.  it's there, and it's organic, and i'm going to let it go.  i'm going to experience, so that it will dissipate.  he was a loser.  and i was in love with him. 

and it's been a long, long journey, but i now i know that i deserve so much better.  and i love him.  i still love him.  and so i hope that he's bettered himself, too, and that he's happy and healthy and is curing his dysfunction.  and becoming a man who contributes to the betterment of this fucked-up world.