Where the Past Meets with the Present



I've spent a lot of time in 2012 thinking about death.  My mama passed away on January 12, 2012, so the year was started off with the right stuff to nudge me down that lane.  I've determined that I am an adult, finally, and I am next in the generational line for death to take me.  And I'm not as ambivalent about it as I once thought I was.  Death has me on my toes, because I know he's lurking around here somewhere, and he could overpower me at any moment.  But that's led to a somewhat positive turn of events.  I'm becoming more and more adamant about routinely living each day to the fullest.  But it hasn't manifested into a reality yet.  Really.  I've done a lot of living inside my head over the years.  (Ask any of my former husbands.)  And I still have that blasphemous habit. 

No New Year's resolutions for me either.  There's no reason that the New Year has to be started off with great intentions that only fade away as the days progress, only to be forgotten until the next year, constantly looking forward to the next event that'll break the monotony.  (I've determined that the time for monotony set-in is somewhere between the 7 days and two-weeks marker, for me.) 

I don't want ever again to look back on my life and wonder where the time has gone.  I want to have lived in each and every moment I've been afforded in this experience we call life.  I want to be doing exactly what I want to do, what feels totally right for me.  I know I'm going to die, and I know all the chances and possibilities and procrastination will catch up with me then.  Of course, that depends upon the way in which death takes me.  (I hope he makes it fast, so that I don't even know that it's coming.)  If I don't know he's about to get me, then I won't have the time to ponder all that I've failed to do with my life.  So that crap's my resolution.  Not my New Year's resolution.  But my life's resolution.  I know there will be days and maybe even months or years in which I fail to prosper and fill these measures of time with the adventures that fulfill me. 

I'm going to quit being so fucking afraid all the time.  If I want to walk into WalMart at noon on the third of the month, by God, I'm going to do it. 

I'm going to try vegetarianism.  I'm going to try and give my digestive system a fucking break.  Clean the bitch out.  I'm sure it's easier to have the dick of the one you love up your ass when your system's not already so full of digesting food.  Make room for the dick.  That's going to be my logo.  Not my logo.  The logo of my diet. 

I'm also a little afraid that death is imminent for the human species as a whole.  We've become so tribal, so insecure about our selves, that we constantly seek to one-up those around us, even the ones we love.  Or am I missing something?  Is this simply my world?  I remembered growing up today, about how different life felt when there were different gate-keepers.  Those gate-keepers concerned themselves with community.  We were one.  If there was something wrong, something neglected in the life of another in the community, we felt it our obligation to fix it, to do some good.  Now drugs are rampant, and what for?  To numb ourselves so that we don't have do deal with the realities we've created?  Because we don't know how to deal with those realities?  I'm not going to lie here.  I have my own drug demons. 

Have you ever contemplated the cyclic nature of our lives, of nature?  There's the reproduction, birth, adulthood, reproduction, later life, death, and it keeps repeating?  There's the menstrual cycle.  There's the cycle of seasons.  There's the orbital path of the planets around the sun.  (And that happens in other solar systems, too, right?)  Life and death.  We know that dinosaurs were decimated, extinct.  We've witnessed the demise of several species.  We're not far away from that.  Our cycle has cycled, and we're definitely on the path to destruction with all the hate and fear and loathing that's present in our culture.  There are so many fucking advances in medicine and technology and theology and government that we're killing ourselves with those things.  You didn't think the government card fit, did you?  But we've always had issues with government!  But have the issues ever really been so motherfucking far-reaching?  This is mine; that's yours.  Touch it, and get nuked! 

We're going down.  I know it.  And I believe the social consciousness knows it, too.  Look at all the infatuation with the end.  There was this Mayan calendar shit.  After we made it past December 21, I read about an asteroid that's going to come precariously close to the earth in 2040-ish.  As a whole, we know it's coming, and we don't want to be taken by surprise.  We want to survive this.  We want our kids, our family to come out of this alive, to be able to become the Adam and the Eve for the next wave of folks.  To hold the secrets for the future generations, like the writers of our Holy books have done. 

Money's not the root of all evil; power is the root of all evil.