progress

my dreams are never coming true as long as i'm with you. you've never even given any indication that you know what my dreams are.

even if any (or all) of my angst has been illogical, irrational, or completely fucked, you've never shown me that it matters to you what's going on inside my head! you've never ever indicated that you give half a fuck about working together to build a team.

i lie in bed next to you every nite and, as cliche as this phrase is, i may as well be lying next to a motherfucking stranger. there's something wrong when i lie there, searching my mind for just one person with whom i can talk truthfully while you're lying silently right there beside me.

you've never shown any physical interest in hearing me, knowing me, or building a future with me.

and surprise of all surprises, after four fucking years, i'm no more to you than a secret, childish, purposeless relationship held way more than arms' length away from everything real.

i'm tired of being with you because it's easier than making the break. i'm sick and damned tired of just accepting someone else's conclusion that i'm not worthy of being touched, being talked to, being chased after, being loved.

i don't accept your occasional scraps of affection! i'm not numbing myself down anymore just so i can live with the pain of being involved in a completely emotionless relationship when that is an absolutely fucking unacceptable way for me to life my life!

i'm not crying. i'm not attempting to change you. i'm simply saying that, since you're not offering much, my conscience is telling me that i must decline.

now is a time to move forward, to evolve, to accept progress.

my day, not in my own words

"you got your whole life to do something, and that's not very long
[so] why don't you give me a call when you decide you're willing to fight"

-Ani Difranco

do'er

so, like.... you're reading the blog of an accomplished do'er. i don't know if i had mentioned the original case, but i'll give you my update anyway. i've started seeing a therapist again. it all started more than a month ago, due to symptoms that did not resemble happiness. last nite was my fourth visit, and he basically told me that i need to get off my ass and do something because just talking about it ain't doing shit. and if i didn't do something, our situation was going to end up like the previous.

so, like.... today i made an appointment with a medical doctor. yes, a medical doctor. i haven't seen one of those for a routine inspection probably since i was about in fourth grade. i didn't realize that it was going to be so fucking difficult to get inside. after waiting on hold a few times and being turned down by rude-ass receptionists whose only words were "we're not accepting new patients", i found a nice receptionist who booked me right away for an appointment early next month. it's kind of scary to think about the possibilities, but it also feels good to be taking care of me.

molly helped me see how fragile life can be. she got sick with vomiting and diarrhea the friday after christmas when we left her in her cage for a few hours. on saturday morning, she and i made an emergency trip to the vet because she just wasn't feeling any better. the vet didn't seem concerned. she just said that it was upset stomach, gave me some medication and advised me to try to get her to eat something bland. but she still wasn't getting any better, and we didn't do an emergency page for the vet because of the holiday weekend. then she woke us up screaming on tuesday (january 2) morning, and this time we paged the vet and took her in before 4 am. the vet did everything she could, but couldn't find anything wrong, just symptoms. her kidneys had basically stopped functioning and her glucose level was really low. we got a call around 5 pm that she'd passed away about a half-hour before. molly was less than 2 years old, and she had always been a healthy girl. we have no answers about the cause of her death. it scares me to think about how quickly and abruptly she left us.... it scares me to think about how quickly and abruptly anyone can leave us.

i keep thinking about getting another dog. not to replace molly, but just because i like having a dog around. i'm really leaning toward the maltese breed. we'll probably end up waiting until summer when i can be with him/her all the time. i used to think it a travesty to buy pure breed when there are so many homeless animals out there who're euthanized everyday because they don't have a home. but i'm not sure i want to risk not knowing anything about probable health issues related to genetics again. molly had to have something genetic that gave out. we want to go smaller, too. molly was really too big for apartment life but, dear god, she was loved so much! ...and she is missed so much!

keep it a secret for me because i don't want anyone to think i'm nuts, but sometimes i talk to her. and i imagine seeing her out there in doggie heaven, playing with all her new friends, enjoying herself immensely, but stopping to look over her shoulder at me to see if i really need her when i call her name. i guess i just need to focus on the fact that we really gave her an awesome life for the time she had here on earth. her life certainly could've and probably would've been a lot worse if it weren't for us. we found her as a puppy under a horse trough at my parents'. she was eaten up with fleas, and she was burning up in the hot sun.

another do i've done, as urged by my therapist, is that i've found an address and phone number for my sister. half-sister. for the longest time, i've just wanted to contact her to see if we could have some sort of brotherly-sisterly relationship. growing up, i always wanted a sibling. it just feels good to think that could come true.

i'll have to try really hard to keep this up. because it is i who is responsible for how this life turns out.

yeah. (like regina spektor)

R.I.P.

Molly Magoo

July, 2005 - January 2, 2007

Goodbye 2006!

well, all that is 2006 should be banded together in a neat little stack now, filed away to be pulled out when we think of the year that has just passed forever more. i think that, for me, 2006 was a good year, a year of tremendous growth. i learned a lot about character and, with professional confirmation, i've accepted my appraisal of what a friend is not.

we celebrated last evening with an apartment full of true friends, and we laughed at plenty. now, with our souls facing forward, we're moving into the future with the best of intentions for living a life full of love to its absolute fullest.