I'm gonna lure you into the dark
My cold desire
To hear the boom, boom, boom of your heart
The danger is I'm dangerous
And I might just tear you apart

so i'm sitting here in the dark. on my bed. with my pups. whom i love with all my heart and soul. i've had some good days lately. things really seem to have turned around, but i still see things that have affected me my entire life.

my dad apparently believes that i can do nothing that's in any way, shape or form manly. this evening i got the tractor out and i was using the box scraper to tear through some brush and saplings, because the place is just fucking overgrown.

i'd done the same thing on sunday, and was quite proud of my results. i can't live with a nasty overgrown place. i have plans to make this place a nice home.

and hopefully at some point add a man who loves me. loves. me. me. because that just makes life better.

but before i get sidetracked. one of the pins came out of the box scraper, and my dad came right away, even though he'd just previously said he was sick and couldn't do anything. he said that i can't use the tractor to get rid of the brush because i'll damage a tire. we'll cut it out with a chainsaw.

my dad has never done shit. this place has always looked like shit. i mean, we're talking pieces of tin nailed between two fence posts because he was too stupid, lazy, something to do it the right way.

and there's a new sheriff in town, and i'm going to start doing shit the right way. i want to live a good life.

more about that amazing man later. i want a partner. i want it to be right this time. someone who loves me. i'm lovable.

i am. someone who wants to be with me permanently. someone who wants to make memories with me. share holidays with me. share with me. be with me. a man. a partner. a friend. a soulmate.

i have to believe he's out there, and that he also believes in a lifestyle similar to the one i want to continue living.

low-key. self-sufficient. animals. nurturing. growing. giving back. taking care of the earth.

warm. cuddly. fun to smooch. a hot fuck. all those things.

i just need him to show me that he feels i'm worthy of pursuit.

i know i am. fuck it.

i know i am.