i want to find love in a best friend to whom i'm attracted and to whom i feel a sacred ever-lasting bond that will allow myself to reveal my entire to true self on a life-long basis, and i also want him to feel that he's afforded the same luxury. 

more to cum. 

fuck you!

facebook pisses me off, and i don't feel free to be totally me there because there are so many people watching.  what i don't love right now is all the opposition to the gay marriage movement that's going on.  i mean, if you don't support gay marriage, don't get gay married!  it really is that simple.  are people so insecure about their own sexuality and relationship with their god that they need to push their "morality" onto everyone out there?  fuck you, if you don't believe everyone on earth deserves the same rights as you!  fuck you if you're a bigoted, two-faced, fucked-up twit who thinks there are people in this world who are undeserving of the same rights you have.  fuck you, if you believe you have personal knowledge of what god wants you to do.  fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!  end of my story.  fuck you.  no.  really.  fuck you!!!

antitheism

just the idea that some people feel they need a book in order to know the difference between right and wrong is appalling to me. for me, the difference is quite obvious. it's the same as the difference between lightness and darkness. you get positive consequences, it's good. you get negative consequences, it's bad. and i'm not talking about your being hurt because your man done left you, and that's a bad thing for you, but a good thing for him. i'm talking the biggies. the physical pain and the life-long mental trauma. the intent is there.

like, we don't need a book to tell us what to eat. we eat the wrong things, and we become unhealthy. this is the same, really. we do the wrong things, we become unhealthy. but the bible gives us some advice in terms of food and diet. i believe it tells us not to eat shellfish. but in reality, shellfish (properly prepared) is quite healthy and has demonstrated a positive effect on our bodies. but it's still immoral. taking another's life is immoral. that's intentionally inflicting a negative chain of events on another living creature. (i totes see what i'm doing here. talking in circles. that's all.) a cow is not here for us to eat anymore than we're here for lions and tigers and bears to eat.

and what about santa claus? (i don't really miss god, but i sure miss santa claus.) isn't he one of the more recent gods created in order to gain submission? we tell our kids that santa watches over them and that he'll bring lots of great gifts to the good girls and boys, while the bad girls and boys will get nothing (or perhaps a lump of coal). same damn principle.

and i don't even deny the existence of a god. i just have no proof that one exists. and i need proof. the same way i'd need proof if someone said there's a magical fairy flying through all the blue states, shitting quarters. but if there is a god who's really a divine being, then it would look at these bibles, these books of so-called moral guidance, as the biggest indicator of morality. those who follow its words only as a means of self-reward, with no care in the world for the suffering of others, would most definitely indicate a complete and total lack of morality. too bad the "christian" culture is still running fucking rampant in these here parts.

facebook fucking annoys me. there are too many people who constantly post the religious, jesus me-me's. they make me want to fucking puke. those are obviously the ones who feel the need to prove their adherence to the scripture in order to prove they're good people, because they have reason to doubt their own goodness.

and i have a long way to go on this path of morality. there are numerous things i do, on a daily basis, that make me immoral. but i'm not going to hell. i'm simply going to die one day. and that's how i want it to be. immortal life sounds ridiculously draining. (and i totally remember thinking that as a child in a "christian" home.) to me, it'd be like constant day, constant work, constant interaction, and never sleeping. that i do not want. if it's immortality that you desire, do something to ensure your name will be on the tongues of others for thousands of years to come. like aristotle, for example.

and don't be a prick. evolve. : )

hold me close like we both died, my ever-pressing suicide, my stupid fuck, my blushing bride.  today:  i'm focused upon patterns. 

he was sure that

i thought i had more to say.  and i do.  but i cannot say it. 

this is what makes us girls

it's looking like it may be a nice day.  it's around 50 right now.  my cousin's supposed to be here in around an hour to look at some work i'd like to accomplish.  there's plenty to do outside.  plenty to do inside.  and i believe with my new medication (increase?) that's possible.  the weather also deserves some gratitude.  so, thank you, weather.  now to brush my teeth and clean up my phace a little. 

you don't want to get this way:  famous and dumb at an early age.

have a fantatic, all my loyal readers. 

but if you don't read this, then fuck you.

because you have to show me that i'm important.

i'm unable to deduce that myself. 

just some idea fragments for your consideration.

i love you.  jesus.

i love you, jesus. 

laytah!

a dream

at some point during the night, i had one of those vivid dreams that seems real.  it made me feel good.  purposeful.  part of the in-crowd.  i had a child.  and a wife (who wore a lilac-colored gown to a presentation she was doing and seemed to be quite over-dressed).  i was on my way to a presentation - at least it was something of which i was the center, the reason.  i looked in the mirror and i remember thinking that i looked great, but that nothing matched either.  (it's funny how a brief idea when you're awake can translate into something so relevant in dreamland.)  i vaguely remember making it to my engagement a little late with my son in tow, telling my wife she was over-dressed.  handing him over.  and then it just dissolved.  but it felt good.  indeed. 

days like these

people always ask me if i miss my mom.  on her birthday, on christmas, on mother's day.  and the answer is yes.  i miss her everyday.  every moment, if that's possible.  i just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that i'm NEVER going to see her again, talk to her again, touch her again.  i miss the ways she kept everything going.  i miss the way she always seemed to have a group of kids in the house.....

but days like today, i miss her even more.  spring is in the air.  that's a promise that nice days are about to become pretty typical, bringing with it, replenishing.  baby animals, baby cows, baby chicks.  new grass, new leaves.  green.  it means getting the garden ready to plant, getting in those cold weather crops, like lettuce and onions and radishes. 

the excitement of this time of year was in her blood, as it's in my blood.  she gave it to me.  and i'll never get to experience it with her again.  but now she's a part of nature, even more than she was before.  and i miss her today, more than ever before. 

the countdown begins

just two months and twenty days before his thirty-eighth birthday, he put it into words:  he could not follow the (cliched) well-traveled road that was laid out in order to give the average joe love, happiness...success.  he's not the average joe.  he's extraordinary, whether he's believed it up until now or not.  he's an extremely liberal elementary school teacher in a public school setting, a public school setting which happens to be a very small-town rural barely noticeable dot on a map of the midwest.  any way you could turn, you'd find yourself at the heart of the belt of the bible.  he's gay, in a town where marriage, a career that puts you atop the list of incomes, two kids, a home, and golf outings with the buds speak of ultimate success.  he's atheist, where everyone's christianity is their badge of valor, badge of goodness, proof that they're fighting the good fight. 

and he doesn't want to, wouldn't, wouldn't want to change his persona for all the acceptance from all the big fish in a very small, artificial pond...in all the world.  maybe, just maybe, probably maybe, probably he's who he is to break the monotony, to be an example, to be proof that there's more, there's unknown, there's still real estate to be explored. 

that day, two months and twenty days before his thirty-eighth birthday, is the day he first became determined to face in the direction of HIS destiny, his happiness, his brand of success.   

and maybe, maybe, just maybe, it doesn't automatically mean a lonely journey throughout the rest of his days. 

because, surely there are some other extraordinary souls (with penises) out and about seeking other like-minded souls (with penises). 

and he'll have no more of the kind who're in desperate love with their mommy. 

I hope I don't wake up tomorrow. I'm done. I find absolutely no joy in anything I do. I just want it to end. I don't want to feel anymore. I want this to be over. No one in the world gives a fuck about me.