Wandering vs. Wondering

I absolutely love this time of year!  And I'm sitting outside, listening to the crickets, looking at the stars, thinking about all I've done to better my home, and I'm doing this ALONE. And while sitting here, a question slid into my mind. Do I really feel that I don't deserve companionship, and I think that feeling is rooted deeply into my being. And I've got to fix that. I think that's why I'm such a loner. Because I feel that I don't deserve someone beside me. That I don't deserve. That I'm not good enough. And I am. Just the way I am. But I'm evolving. Tomorrow I'll be a better version myself. I will. 

i'm just floating

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the church was cool inside. 

that's the only part of me new novel that i have written.  it's the first sentence.  : ) 

just ride

i'm sure i could by playing harder, dying younger. 

don't leave me now, don't say goodbye, don't turn around, leave me high and dry.

true, honest fact is that i'm ready.  done. 

i've been more depressed than ever this past week.  there's nothing to look forward to.  i used to look forward to summer, then to school starting, then christmas break, then spring break, then summer.  but no more. 

i'm lonely.

my psych cnp found about about my "use" last visit, so she changed some of the meds i take.  i don't know if it's the meds or if it just is. 

i don't want to stop my use.  it's the only thing that affects my mood.  there's nothing like a pain pill to lift me up, give me energy.

i truly need to use this angst. 

high and dry.  that's me.