fuck off

my aunt, who owns the property where i live, has always had deep issues with stupidity.  ...actually, i'm not sure who really owns the property.  my name is on the deed at the courthouse, and i believe she has it set up so that she has a lifetime estate (or whatthefuckever it's called).  in any case, we've all (my dad, sorta included) been working to make progress.  we tore down all the old outbuildings this past summer and had a brand new barn built.  by a professional.  and now, because we have four horses, we need some fence work done.  there's fence, but it's old, and there are holes.  the fence around the barn is non-existent, so i've been keeping the horses in the barn for the past month or so.  that's a good thing, with the cold, winter weather and shit.  but this past weekend, we had really awesome weather (60+ degrees) so i turned the horses out into the pasture, and i was nervous the whole time, afraid they were going to get out of the fence and go who-knows-where, so i asked my aunt to help me secure a loan (i have too much debt to get a reasonable loan) in order to have someone build a new fence.  this evening i told her i'd contacted a builder who was coming in on saturday to give us an estimate.  her response was, "we can't get a loan without putting up the property, and i'm not putting up MY property [for collateral.]"  my response was, "you do what you have to do to get shit done."  she said she didn't want to lose HER property.  my response?  "how're you going to lose it?"  her response?  "i can't pay the loan off."  my response?  "you're not paying it off; i am."  ...and i fucking wish i had the debt problems she has, with thousands upon thousands in the bank.

but the whole point here is her continued irrational shenanigans.  nothing's worth having, unless you can take care of it.  i've dealt with this shit my WHOLE life.  WHOLE life!  no fucking kidding.  she and my dad spent all of my childhood fighting IN COURT as to who the owner of this fucking place is.  for what?  it's shit.  i'm embarrassed to bring any of my friends here.  it's getting better, though, and i WILL have a nice place to live.  and if she makes this too complicated, i'll walk.  i've wasted too many years holding myself back because of others' stupidity. 

i'm not many years away from 40, and i'm living here with my dad, and she's next door.  for what?  because my dad's too idiotic to take care of himself.  and she's pretty goddamned dumb, too.  but, you know what?  my dad's never attempted to forge a relationship with me.  you know what he got me for christmas?  i don't either.  i saw nothing.  never have.  it's not about the tangible; it's about the intangible it represents.  his gratitude that i'm willing to stay here and make sure he's taken care of.  nothing. 

so, my plan?  i walk.  my mom put their house in my name before she passed away, so it's mine.  and it's on my "aunt's property".  you know what happens if i walk?  this house fucking gets demolished.  promise.  then i'll never see or hear from them again.  promise. 

i am attempting to do for myself something which no one has ever done for me - make myself a home (of which i can be proud).  

they're the only family i have.  and i don't have any close friends anymore.  one?  maybe.  but i'll survive.  there are certainly people out there with whom i can bond.  i'm pretty sure i'm pretty awesome.  most of the time.  anyway. 

i control my life.  and i control my reactions to it.  i'm too fucking negative for you?  i'd suggest you walk the fuck out of my life.

too.