female trubble

i do believe that part of my day today shall be spent watching female trouble, then the christmas episode of my so-called life. 

i picked my "dad" up at the hospital today.  he seems to be making a habit out of being released from the hospital just before major holidays.  we'll see what new year's brings. 

i'm fighting the urge to be typical, because i always feel the need to be typical around this time of year.  this morning on facebook, a former classmate announced that he and his wife are expecting.  that's something that'd usually make me feel shitty for being atypical, for being unable to get there.  at the very least, it'd start me down that path.  but it's nothing that's ever going to work out for me.  it's not a possibility, and i've realized there's no point in feeling depressed over something that's never going to happen. 

and i'm not going to feel sad or depressed that christmases with my mom are never to be again.  i have great memories.  it was her favorite time of the year, but, again, it's never to be, so why be sad about it? 

i just want to feel like i belong.  and i do.  i am as worthy as any other motherfucker out there. 

i deserve to be loved.  even if it's not by you.  even if i never experienced it from

nope.  not going there.  i have the power.  i have the power.  i have the power to change.  i have the power to change the course.  i have the power to change the course of my life. 

there's no point in crying over mistakes.  mistakes are for learning.  it's just too bad we spend our lives learning to be.  to be.  to be.  that's it.  just to be.  and then we're gone. 

maybe there's some eternal or after-life kinda reward for those who've strived to grow, to evolve.  maybe death, for those of us, just leads to the next part of the evolution. 

this is not a new year's resolution.  this is simply growth.  i'm not going to make decisions (any decisions at all) based upon the perceived desires of others.  my decisions, from this point forward, are going to be made for my sake.  for the sake of my happiness.  or at least i'll do the best i can. 

i need to be easier on me. 

I've got to start reassessing those relationships I've considered friendships. When folks show you, over and over, that they're in no way interested in spending time with you, or they don't have anything to offer you (a shoulder, a hug, a caring word), it's just time to let go. And, btw, I encourage those I don't give the time of day to, to go ahead and write me off as well.

nothing is provocative anymore
even for kids
no room for imagining 'cause
everyone's seen everything
question what the tv tells you
question what a pop star sells you
question mom and
question dad
question good and
question bad

fucked. hard.

perhaps i'm a heartless cunt.  no.  scratch that.  i am a heartless cunt.  i don't have what it takes to sit in front of the television dissecting the ins and outs of this massacre.  yes, it's horrible, but i have no connection to it whatsoever.  yes, i'm an elementary teacher, and yes i have two kids who go to the elementary school where i teach.  but this didn't happen to me.  it didn't happen to us.  i can't be horrified, but i know it's horrific.  i felt the same thing on 9/11.  shitty fucking event, but i was unable to feel the terror and the horror.  how many people out there feel as i do, but they're just crying and obsessing over it because they feel that they should?  they feel it's the normal shit to do?  what if we all stopped living the lives we think we should and just lived the lives we're here to live?  how the fuck would that change the motherfucking universe? 

in other news, i want fucked.  hard.  by a stud and a half. 

I was going to say that I think I like my bed a little too much, but that's simply not true. I love my bed lots and lots, but it's definitely not too much. I'd just enjoy having him back in it.

nothing's getting better as long as i'm here. 
true. 
maybe instead of being so fucking numb and standing still at a crossroads, it's time to make a decision.
leave everything i've ever known and find myself.  find my life.  find my meaning. 
or fucking die. 

You know how you just sort of have to numb yourself down and work your way really quickly through the things you don't want to do? Things you find painful? I've felt numbed down and rushing through for a year and a half. I think I'm getting to the point where I know I can't do it much longer. At all.

I like to sleep, but I don't like to wake up. I'm looking forward to only one thing today, and it's nothing good for me, nothing that'll contribute to my longevity. But who needs shit like that when you're living like this?

Who are you to tell me?

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I don't fucking pray.
So I won't pray for the "Lord" to take me.
Unless you mean sexually.
It'd be hot for a big, strong, powerful man like the lord to take me.
Like a vitamin.
And ravage my ass.

I have a mean streak.
It's me.
No apologies.
It's not like I whip the bitch out on those undeserving.

I want to be in love.
I want your fucking ass with me.
I was totally and completely in fucking LOVE with you.
And I fucking still am!!!
Bastard.
I know I'm a hell of a lot to handle.
But I'm worth it.
I still think about you everyday...even after almost four years have passed.

I'm going to try and be my biggest fan.
People suck.
And they're shallow.
I need a deep pool in which to swim.

You're my last bone of contention.

my disorder, in detail

North Pole/South Pole. Summer/Winter. Black/white. There's an opposite for everything. (Love/indifference. Penis/vag.) Am I the opposite of feminist, since I put penis first?

People who exist within the autism spectrum have difficulties picking up on the subtleties of body language, nuances, connotations and figurative language.

Then, isn't it only logical that there are those of us who are hypersensitive to body language, nuances, connotations and figurative language?

I'm the opposite of autistic.

And our true love is our opposite?

how to be a heartbreaker

rule #1:  you got to have fun, but, baby, when you're done, you got to be the first to run.

rule #2:  just don't get attached to somebody you could lose.

rule #3:  wear your heart on your cheek, but never on your sleeve, unless you want to taste defeat.

rule #4:  gotta be looking pure; kiss him goodbye at the door; leave him wanting more. 

Photo.

This probably seems quite odd to many, but on Friday evening, I was in my grandma's old house. I was using the bathroom, and I looked over, into the open closet door. At the floor, some of the drywall was busted to reveal what was underneath. Underneath was the old wall with old wallpaper. I love that this was there as I was growing up, as my mom was growing up. And it's still there. I had to take a picture. It's like touching the past. Owning a piece of the past that came before me. It's mine now. : )