Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

not ready to make nice

today's been a better day. school was fun because we weren't at. we were out and about. tomorrow's an easy day, and then we just have 4 more full weeks. i'm so going to sleep all fucking summer.

christina, nick and i went to the cemetary for a walk this evening. we took gooey with us. she's doing well these days, and she helps me get exercise. she's maturing and stuff. she actually stuck her head out the window of my car on the way home, instead of cowering on the floor, as usual.

right now i'm sitting on the patia. (think of hank hill.) wireless is neat. we have tomato plants and pepper plants and cabbage plants. i love it back here now. it smells good and it's...isolated. that's not the word i'm looking for, but you catch my drift.

there are cats everywhere, just like home. moses has a boyfriend who comes to the door to see him from time to time. nick named him steve. he has huge balls, and moses absolutely luffs them! and there used to be another cat that came around and we named her geneva because she's loud and obnoxious, like my aunt after whom she's named.

it's chilly. i'm going in da house. later, ya'll!

why do we need question marks.

i'm blogging. i'm depressed. i've been this way all week. it started when i felt like a purple people surrounded by all perfectly peach people. i ain't like everyone else, and i used to be proud of that one. now it. now it. now it bothers me.

and i don't want it to bother me no more. i want to be free. like butterflies. or bees. or something really wild and free. because butterflies are so fucking wild.

my life. my life. my life ain't what i want it to be and, yes, i do recognize that it is i who's running the program. i think that's starting to make it worse. i feel more and more like a failure because my life's not grand.

i was supposed to be a star. i was supposed to have stuff at my fingertips. i was supposed to be completely happy completely. all the time.

another thing is about having shite to look forward to. vacation was vacation and now it's over. i have been looking forward to summer but all it means is that i have nothing to do. and i don't like not having nothing to do. (i'm not like that trash who's no longer around.)

i just had to say that because i'm a bitch asshole. and i fucking like it. i like that about me...that i generally can say what it is that's on my fucking mind. but i want to be strong enough not to give a rat's ass about its consequences.

i need to work on that. strongness. strongivity. strongina.

i have a story to tell. i have a book to write. i have money to make. i have awards to win. why. it makes none the sense.

i think the problem is that too many (most) peple feel unloveable. we come up with compensations for that, instead of just believing that the opposite's true. we eat. we have loveless relationships. we fuck sick strangers. we buy cool cars that everyone wants. we are fashionable. our lives are wrapped up in proving to the world that we're loveable, and all we really need to do is just believe it ourselves. no one can prove it. it's inside. only i have access to my insides. only you have access to your insides. and the closest we can get to accessing another's insides is, well, you know....

i want to be happy. yeppers. and i'm not. that makes it even worse, because it's myownfault that i'm not happy.

sunday i got a taste. earlier when i was outside with the mol, i got a taste. the sunshine. the green grass. growth. that is happy. that is luff.

a wal-mart guy said to me (but plural) last week: "if you're not growing, you're dying." i squishily believe that. (because i ain't firm.)

i don't think i really know what love for another truly is. or is the problem that i don't accept the common notion of what love is. doesn't it just have to work for me. i haven't had many boundaries in my life and that's probably not a good thing, because there really are boundaries in this life. like, i can't fucking tell some parent what they need to hear because i'd lose my job and shit.

but how do i know what they need to hear. who the hell says i have all the goddamned answers.

i just want to have time spent on me. time's the most valuable thing in the whole fucking world. no one can pay you for the time you have here. you can't pay no one for the time s/he has here. i come home, i came home, and i'm sitting here buying into this complete lack of power over my life crapola. i know. i know. i know i owe myself the time. i know i have to prove to myself that i'm fucking worth the time. but knowing it and doing it are two different things. completely.

how the motherfuck do you make yourself do what you know you need to fucking do!

Wormsloe Entrance

Wormsloe Entrance
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

4-Wheelin' Hotties

4-Wheelin' Hotties
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Played

Played
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Savannah

Savannah
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Savannah

Savannah
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Colonial Park Cemetery

Colonial Park Cemetery
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Aloe

Aloe
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Entrance to Colonial Park Cemetary

Entrance to Colonial Park Cemetary
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Marina

Marina
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

At the Marina

At the Marina
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Creek

Creek
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Bonaventure

Bonaventure
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Bonaventure

Bonaventure
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Little Gracie at Bonaventure

Little Gracie at Bonaventure
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Bonaventure

Bonaventure
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Bonaventure

Bonaventure
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Tybee beach

Tybee beach
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

The pier on Tybee

The pier on Tybee
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Self-portrait

Self-portrait
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

Unsuspecting hot boys

Unsuspecting hot boys
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

We had dinner in the restaurant in the background. =)

The pavillion

The pavillion
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

swimmin' in the deep

i feel vaguely depressed. all the really big benchmarks for this school year have been, we're leaving for a week-long vacation to somewhere warm and familiar next weekend, and i don't feel satisfied. there's just something lurking out there somewhere.