sigh. Continue reading →

summing it all up

way back when i was a college student, i sat with one of my education professors in her office, and we discussed students' lives. the memory that sticks with me is when she mentioned that her step-daughter, who's now an adult, has no self-esteem because her father never once in her life put her before himself.

"if you find someone who will love you for who you are, someone who'll take the good with the bad, the ups with the downs, the sadness, the joy, the insecurity with the ego, someone who'll love you, treat you good and respect you, no matter what their age, color or gender, you will have the whole world in the palm of your hand."

sometimes you just don't get what you want. the end. Continue reading →

laying blame

I would like to salute the two moms of the student who attends my small-town school in rural Ohio. I commend you because you’re brave enough to blaze the trail for those who’ll never know that, because of you, they’re living an easier version of what could have been very difficult lives. Your bravery is preventing at least one future torturesome remark from turning into a young person’s serious consideration of suicide over living a life in a biased society. I am in awe of your commitment to doing your part to make this world a better place. I just pray that I can move close to being as virtuous as you are in my lifetime.

Sometimes I hear my voice, and it’s been here—silent all these years. Continue reading →

the happy golden years

i miss this. out of all the times of my life, it's that one i miss the most. real world: new orleans is still the best one. jose gold would still be my booze of choice. skipping class, drinking until puking, and being free with my thoughts are still some of my most-preferred activities. i miss jule and marcy and all them other good folk i used to hang out with! goddammit, i don't know who the fuck i am these days! what the fuck is it with this growing up shit? these days it's not easy not to do what i'm supposed to do. Continue reading →

Fucking Fuck

"Long Way to Happy"
by Pink

One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Left my childhood behind
In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
Do you know I had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottem of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long, long, long, long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy Continue reading →

great

it's so hard to love when love was your great disappointment. Continue reading →

okay, girls. the weather's been awesome lately. fall's my new favorite season, even though winter's just around the corner.

i found two lovelies on amazon.com this morning. they're great gift ideas, if you want to buy me something for jesus's birthday, and if i haven't already bought them myself by that time. number 1. (Ha, ha, ha!) 0

9/23/2006 12:23:00 PM

This is the most fun I've had in awhile! Continue reading →

can't wait to get to heaven

i finished up can't wait to get to heaven last nite. i totally suggest it! it's a wonderful book that makes you feel all gooey inside. i think it helped me look forward to lying down in the evenings for reading time. there's no reason you'd have to read the prequel, standing inside the rainbow, first.

now i must go touch myself and stuff.

i used to be so hott. Continue reading →

the weekend

i was sooo happy just because yesterday was friday. we're at the point in the school year when the kids start being comfortable with their new teachers, and the teachers are feeling like they're getting to know their new students. the first few weeks of school are always a bit shaky because, for most of these kids, i'm the first male teacher they've ever had, so they're, like, scared of me. now they see that i'm not the dominator, things are starting to get a little more laid back in the classroom. and i appreciate it. and i've just had enough school in my life to begin appreciating the time i'm not at school.

it was a perfect early autumn afternoon when i pulled out of the parking lot at school. i drove home with my windows down, listening to some really cool music. it was quite the enjoyable experience because everything has been going wonderfully at school. and the temperature was perfect!

then i got home, and a couple things sparked some thoughtitude. but in reality, it was only one thing - small to some, i'm sure - that really burnt my biscuits.

i need to design my life so everyday, all day, ends up like the day described at the beginning of this post. =) and some choices must be made. Continue reading →

living it

today i thought i'm living my dream. for the longest time, becoming a teacher was so important to me. and now i am a teacher. and i love being a teacher. i'm proud of being a teacher. i'm proud to be an elementary teacher in the public school system.

but there's more i want to reach for. i want a home of my own. i want a child. children would be better, just because being an only child has its pitfalls. i'm going to adopt a baby girl from china. in moses's lifetime. her name's going to be evelyn elizabeth. we'll either call her evie or lizzie.

that's the direction i'm headed. Continue reading →

from under the pink

i wish tori and i were talking about the same thing.

number one is don't touch my shit when you don't have permission to do so. and you don't. so don't. and don't goddamned make it so fucking obvious.

maybe i've been a little upset about our non-evolving friendship.

you look at others as beauty without end, so why can't you do that for yourself?

i saw that i already knew that if you feel it, you need to deal with it. oprah.

it's sad that adults lie to themselves so easily.

i wish the world's population (probably especially here in the good ole USA) understood the simple fact that life ain't easy. pills don't make it easy. pills don't make you happy. you make that call, motherfucker.

they prescribe medicine so motherfucking easily because it's about money.

money equals power. that's what man-kind has been questing for since s/he first took in air.

kids are the world's future. they're not extensions of their over-bearing parents. i'm sick of parents who don't understand that fucking shit. i'm sick of parents who make excuses, not boundaries. i'm sick of parents who don't realize they're raising an individual. i'm sick of families being so goddamned tribal.

i'm sick of people who don't want something better for themselves. because it's work. and, god bless it, no one should have to work. forget the fucking fact that the world'll stop spinning if we all stop working.

i hate and i hate everything about you.

i want:

• to be encased in a plastic box with shades that are encased between the double panes.
• peace
• love
• challenge
• life
• family
• family
• family
• family

i'm disappointed at the direction this world is going.

i love and respect my new colleague because she owns her actions. she is in charge. she's the one at the helm. she chooses.

it's not some magical, ellusive chance.

i'm tired of "home" being used in a totally different context.

i'm fucking sick of "poor me". Continue reading →

Molly's Cooch

Continue reading →

mad world

i awoke this morning around the time nick got up for work, and it wasn't easy to get back to sleep. my mind kept complaining about some things other people do...or don't do. i had a hard time getting back into a good sleep.

then after i got out of bed this afternoon, i feel depressed. i feel depressed, i think, because life as i want it isn't in the foreseeable future. i want an evolving home life. i want friends around, family around. i want productive things to occupy my time. i want to take advantage of the life i have. i want to be a part of the larger community.

i'm excited for school to start, but i'm a little worried that i won't be as good as the new teacher. i'm worried that school, for me, is an excuse: it's artificial meaning; it's a substitution for a happy home.

the other new teacher really isn't new. she's finished the year last year as a long-term sub for one of the other teachers who reproduced. last year she whined about whether or not they were going to give her the full-time job. and the times i've talked to her this summer, she's complained about not being "into it". she doesn't know where to start. she doesn't know how to decorate her room. she doesn't know what to do on the first day, the first minute. like, i completely don't get it. i'm sick of her already. she keeps saying that when you have kids, blah, blah, blah, and that i don't understand because i don't have kids. last nite i came thisclose to going off on her. i told her that when she's at school, she's a teacher. when she's at home, she's a parent. and she has no.... she's retarded. she imparts no structure with her class and then she fucking cries in the teacher's lounge after school (no kidding) because her class is so fucking out of control!

i loathe people who don't reach for something better. Continue reading →

initiative

over the past nine years, i've visited here seven times. it's one of my favorite places on the face of the earth. if you've never been here, you really need to take a week and do so. get a feel for the history and the beauty that savannah holds. relax on tybee island. take a day trip or two to see the surrounding countryside.

i have a feeling this is the last time i'm going to be here for a little while. i have other places to visit. =)

all in all, though, i'm just ready to get home and get started with the new school year. i'm not bragging or anything, but i have my lesson plans for the first two weeks of school alredy completed. my room's set up and ready to go. three weeks!

anyway.... we'll have a safe trip home and hopefully make some progress once we're there. =) Continue reading →

something just walks up and smacks you in the face and it stings like fuck. it's hard and tangible evidence, confirming what you don't want to face. because it's hard, and you don't like what it says about you. you just want to go to bed or find something else to concentrate on so you can just forget about it again. Continue reading →

mad world

ok boys and girls, i have a $25 gift certificate for amazon.com and i'm trying to figger out what to buy with it. i think this could be cool, but i'm not completely sure about polly jean live. this has been on my list for awhile, but i'm not totally sure it's what i want. i love ms. dicamillo, but this has earned some bad reviews. still, i love buying books for my students. and i absolutely love fannie flagg, but $16 is a lot for a book you can get at the liberry. Maybe a few less expensive books for the classroom and one or two for myself? annie advice?

i hate the taste of tap water.
i want to go to the liberry before we leave.
in a few years, i may be an alpaca farmer.
in the words of my infamous friend, 'tina: i'm shoked! Continue reading →

advice

this is for those in the restaurant business: those who deliver food, be it to your door or to your table, should never stink. Continue reading →

when you met your best friend

i need to process some thoughts.

this isn't meant to slight anyone, but i don't feel like i have a "best friend". i have regrets concerning said topic, but they're not the regrets you'd imagine i'd have. i'm absolutely not ready to make nice, but there are missing parts to my life. lately, this feeling is constant.

i feel incompetent, inadequate, incapable.

one of the absolute best parts of my life is being a teacher. but, even there, i feel that sense of being inadequate, of not being everything to everyone. it's just not making the same return as a better-placed investment might.

a best friend, a friend, family, a partner, someone who cares about you is someone who's vested in you. parts of these people exist inside each of us who's lucky enough to experience these kinds of close relationships. when i look at those i care about, i see little pieces of myself that i've given away. i give these pieces of myself away because the giving-away part is really just the process of making an investment in life. and these investments are what keep us healthy, help us grow, help us be stronger. that process helps all parties involved to grow and to be stronger. i seriously think it has something to do with the secret to life's meaning.

life is racing at me rather quickly, and there's a rather large chunk of my life behind me. i don't want to keep moving forward without having control over what's happening. i don't want to miss the good parts, like i have for most of what's behind me.

keeping any relationship afloat is a struggle, but it's those struggles that make our relationships worth something.

yet, i'm here when this should be a long conversation in a darkened candle-lit room with one of my best friends, maybe even the best best friend. i make mistakes. but i deserve to have those affected to push me around just a little.

(too bad some people come from a long line of people who don't trust others enough to make any investment at all. [they're the most difficult to hold onto.])

so do you remember where you were when you met your best friend? Continue reading →

manorexia. i need it. Continue reading →