mad world

i awoke this morning around the time nick got up for work, and it wasn't easy to get back to sleep. my mind kept complaining about some things other people do...or don't do. i had a hard time getting back into a good sleep.

then after i got out of bed this afternoon, i feel depressed. i feel depressed, i think, because life as i want it isn't in the foreseeable future. i want an evolving home life. i want friends around, family around. i want productive things to occupy my time. i want to take advantage of the life i have. i want to be a part of the larger community.

i'm excited for school to start, but i'm a little worried that i won't be as good as the new teacher. i'm worried that school, for me, is an excuse: it's artificial meaning; it's a substitution for a happy home.

the other new teacher really isn't new. she's finished the year last year as a long-term sub for one of the other teachers who reproduced. last year she whined about whether or not they were going to give her the full-time job. and the times i've talked to her this summer, she's complained about not being "into it". she doesn't know where to start. she doesn't know how to decorate her room. she doesn't know what to do on the first day, the first minute. like, i completely don't get it. i'm sick of her already. she keeps saying that when you have kids, blah, blah, blah, and that i don't understand because i don't have kids. last nite i came thisclose to going off on her. i told her that when she's at school, she's a teacher. when she's at home, she's a parent. and she has no.... she's retarded. she imparts no structure with her class and then she fucking cries in the teacher's lounge after school (no kidding) because her class is so fucking out of control!

i loathe people who don't reach for something better.