new blog

i'm starting a new blog because i can't change any of the settings on my old blog. i somehow phucked up the admin shitake.

like, i need to blog, because blogging is fun and theraputic and stuff, especially when one can be one's self.

i think i have some major depression issues going on lately. every evening i just want to come home from school and sleep. i'm not the teacher i want to be. i'm not the son i want to be. i'm not the friend i want to be. and i'm not the "hoochie bear" i want to be.

perhaps this just all means that i'm not being the me i want to be. but i could bitch and moan and cry and plead because i don't have much of a support system. i envy certain friends of mine who have parents they can run to, parents they can talk to. they have parents who've made their place in the world and they can offer up some good advice and other stuff. i don't have that. i have to do that for my parents.

and friends.... they're all somewhere. make new ones? i don't fit into the crust at school. i'm a crumb. everyone's a woman who's married and has 2.5 children. they all live on the hill. they all scrapbook on friday nite. they all sell tupperware and get together to squat over mirrors and check their vaginas out. i don't fit in. i fit out. i connect with zero. i'm not even a prime number.

i have dreams:

• be hot, so that i turn people on by being nekkid.
• take piano lessons.
• try yoga, or some body/mind connecting exercise.
• build my personal wealth.
• own my own home.
• write. get paid to write.

confession: (why i know not.) i'm doing this from upon the crapper.

i've even thought about going to a doctor to get anti-depressants. pills can be nice, especially when they're prescribed to you. but my philosophy was all natural, you can do it on your own. and i still hold that dear to my heart, but what about when you're pushing and pulling and you're sick of pushing and pulling being the meat and potatoes of your life?

we're traveling this spring. that's what i'm living for right now. we're going to savannah again, tybee to be more exact. our plan is to rent a house for a week and have a relaxing, non-tourist time of it. i love savannah. i can't fucking wait.

i want to do more with my life. i want to be someone like this again. i can actually look at that and smile, not berate because he wasn't perfect.

happy birthday, nick. i love you.