the fragile demeanor of the pussy

holidays typically make me yearn to be typical.  the typical family.  the tv spot for comfort. 

anything i ever had that was anywhere remotely similar to that is spent. 

my dad was released from the hospital last evening, after a stay of 11 nites.  i already miss his total absence.  total?  the fucker and i have never had any type of relationship.  now, the only thing i feel for him is a sense of duty, because my mom felt it was her duty to nurture his lazy, fucked-up, no good ass.  making sure he has a minuscule buffer against the cruelty of nature is my paying homage to my mother. 

he's never felt any sense of duty toward me.  or any of his kids.  or any of his grandkids. 

he's like a 70 year-old child.  he can't put fucking shit away.  he can't do anything.  to hear him tell, he never has any money, even though he consistently takes money from his bank account, leaving me responsible for more than my fair share.  not that he has any concept of anyone's fair share.  he only has a concept of himself. 

last nite i visited my mom's sister because i was in her town on other business.  :-)  she and i began talking about my dad.  i guess because he'd just been released from the hospital.  i mentioned that i'd met my oldest (half) sister a couple of times now, and i'd also met both of her boys.  and i relieved myself of some of the mess regarding that issue that's been plopped down in the center of my consciousness since the very moment i learned about my sisters' existence.  i've no doubt whatsoever that, if my mom had not maintained her relationship with him, he'd have left me behind as well. 

how the fuck do you go through life knowing you have two offspring you know nothing about.  knowing they each have offspring you've never even fucking met!?  it's their "fault" for not pursuing him? 

i loathe him. 

i wish i were indifferent. 

because indifference is the opposite of love.  love and hate are in the same spectrum.  i believe hate is a form of love.  if you hate, you give a fuck.  i want not to give a fuck. 

i'm sure i'll be relieved when he's gone.  why do i feel like putting words to those feelings will doom me? 

i'm already doomed.  i've been doomed since the second i was conceived.

this "family".  this way of "life".  this self. 

and i've never quite acknowledged my existence.  my desires.  my needs.  when i truly listen to me, i realize i don't believe i deserve anything good.  for reals.  i'm most cruel to myself. 

i don't feel like anyone could want me.  i don't feel like i deserve a healthy human relationship.  heaven fucking forbid relationshipS. 

i'm alone.  alone.  a.  l.  o.  n.  e. 

i hope that the trajectory of my circumstance has been altered, simply by resuming this blog.  by putting the realist me i can do for now out there for someone else to hear.  no name attached. 

but always with the hope that someone who does know my name is listening.  cares to listen.  cares to tether the real with the me. 

and abruptly he gets up and storms out of the room, and with his back turned against the ears of others:

have a fucking happy day of should.  pretending to be who i should be.  so i'm part of the crowd.  so i'm part of the in crowd. 

i turn my back on anyone who could possibly care for me because i want them to prove i'm worthy of pursuit. 

everyone's let me down so far in my life.  everyone.  everyfuckingone. 

it's time for me to should myself.  my.  self.  prove to myself that i'm worthy of pursuit.  i'm worthy of attempting to have my dreams fulfilled.  of having dreams in the first fucking place. 

again. 

have a truly full and complete and loving day of...  of.  of feeling.  of believing you're just like everyone else.

of believing that you're just like everyone else.  that you're so much like everyone else that you're lovable. 

i want to be lovable. 

now just to find the path to feeling it.

the next step will be knowing it.

then owning it. 

finally, letting no one forget.