it's been awhile
0
it's definitely been more than awhile. for some obscure reason, this morning after checking out the secrets on postsecret, i uncovered a longing to remember. i always go to the past when i seek comfort. this blog is one of the best things i've done. i can look back in it to see the boy i was, the man i wanted to become, the things i longed for. the dream i had for myself.
that dream's gone missing.
i've had the same job for 9 years. how the hell did that happen? how the hell did i wind up in a conservative minuscule town on the map, where duplicates are the norm, the desire, the trophy, the score? i was going to be great. i was going to let my one-of-a-kindness shine through, like the beacon from a space vessel piercing the nite sky, bringing with it something new, some new landscape, some new pattern to life.
it's not that i hate my job, my uniqueness, my presence of awe. i hate that my desire to please others is drowning me. has drowned me? is there hope of a resurrection here? close-to-40's not too late. is it?
too many politics have shown up in education. too many bitches have reared their ugly fucking faces. too much conservatism is present. and it should be just the opposite. shouldn't it? i hate that i don't possess the self-belief to call that shot. the kids need someone who isn't looking to turn out little images of myself. don't they? kids need opportunities to be creative, to figure out themselves, to figure out what they're going to offer the world, what they're going to do to change the world. right? we can't have carbon copies and expect an evolution. right? RIGHT!
that realization makes it worthwhile. but i have to find my voice, my presence. i am respected by very few of my colleagues, seen as a trouble-maker by most. but i help kids grow. i don't repress them. i love the loud-mouths who won't do shit i ask them to do. i love the kids who refuse to be defined. i love the kids. that's why i'm there.
you're not defined by what loves you, but by what you love. i read that in my re-readings of my blog this morning. it makes me happy.
i used to see myself in a lovely marriage of love and family, behind a white picket fence in the country, with possessions that grounded me. i don't see that anymore. in fact, i'm seeing just the opposite. i'm scared as shit. i'm alone. and i'm lonely. pushing everyone away. inviting nobody in. not feeling good enough to want what i want. feeling old and unattractive and unloveable. wah! fucking wah!
i must allow myself to be pulled in the direction life takes me. i must meet with my purpose. i MUST! and if that purpose is to reform education in a small, midwestern town of fucking twits, then so be it.
but i still want to write. creativity makes me feel power. i need power again. i need to feel powerful, to feel wanted, to feel needed. i gave that away. i threw it away. i flung it away. i fucked it away. i'm not sure what i did with it. all i know is that it isn't with me anymore. none of it. no part of it. the alone part doesn't bother me; it the lonely that bothers me. it's the fear that bothers me.
i held so tightly onto my mother, and now she's gone. it was this time last year when she began her sharp descent into leaving me. the weather, the scents, the slant of the light, all remind me of that time. that was a horrible time, watching her decay before my very eyes, not a damned thing i could do. the force that brought me here, the force that kept me here. gone. january 12, 2012. i'll never see her again.
but i'm still here, living with self-inflicted pain. pain i can alleviate with my mind. i need self-love. i need self-motivation. i need purpose. i need determination. i need not to be definite. i need to love what i love. be who i be. i must quit this current path that leads to my demise. i'm already so close.
you're not defined by what loves you. you're defined by what you love. just let it be. let it happen. march forward, with face to the sun.
if you're reading this, know i'll never forget you. and how fucked the hell up is that? just throwing it out there, because as i write this, i keep envisioning your reading it.
i'll get better. i won't be surprised at where the time has gone in 2.5 years. i'll be me. i'll be me. i will be me.
i've had the same job for 9 years. how the hell did that happen? how the hell did i wind up in a conservative minuscule town on the map, where duplicates are the norm, the desire, the trophy, the score? i was going to be great. i was going to let my one-of-a-kindness shine through, like the beacon from a space vessel piercing the nite sky, bringing with it something new, some new landscape, some new pattern to life.
it's not that i hate my job, my uniqueness, my presence of awe. i hate that my desire to please others is drowning me. has drowned me? is there hope of a resurrection here? close-to-40's not too late. is it?
too many politics have shown up in education. too many bitches have reared their ugly fucking faces. too much conservatism is present. and it should be just the opposite. shouldn't it? i hate that i don't possess the self-belief to call that shot. the kids need someone who isn't looking to turn out little images of myself. don't they? kids need opportunities to be creative, to figure out themselves, to figure out what they're going to offer the world, what they're going to do to change the world. right? we can't have carbon copies and expect an evolution. right? RIGHT!
that realization makes it worthwhile. but i have to find my voice, my presence. i am respected by very few of my colleagues, seen as a trouble-maker by most. but i help kids grow. i don't repress them. i love the loud-mouths who won't do shit i ask them to do. i love the kids who refuse to be defined. i love the kids. that's why i'm there.
you're not defined by what loves you, but by what you love. i read that in my re-readings of my blog this morning. it makes me happy.
i used to see myself in a lovely marriage of love and family, behind a white picket fence in the country, with possessions that grounded me. i don't see that anymore. in fact, i'm seeing just the opposite. i'm scared as shit. i'm alone. and i'm lonely. pushing everyone away. inviting nobody in. not feeling good enough to want what i want. feeling old and unattractive and unloveable. wah! fucking wah!
i must allow myself to be pulled in the direction life takes me. i must meet with my purpose. i MUST! and if that purpose is to reform education in a small, midwestern town of fucking twits, then so be it.
but i still want to write. creativity makes me feel power. i need power again. i need to feel powerful, to feel wanted, to feel needed. i gave that away. i threw it away. i flung it away. i fucked it away. i'm not sure what i did with it. all i know is that it isn't with me anymore. none of it. no part of it. the alone part doesn't bother me; it the lonely that bothers me. it's the fear that bothers me.
i held so tightly onto my mother, and now she's gone. it was this time last year when she began her sharp descent into leaving me. the weather, the scents, the slant of the light, all remind me of that time. that was a horrible time, watching her decay before my very eyes, not a damned thing i could do. the force that brought me here, the force that kept me here. gone. january 12, 2012. i'll never see her again.
but i'm still here, living with self-inflicted pain. pain i can alleviate with my mind. i need self-love. i need self-motivation. i need purpose. i need determination. i need not to be definite. i need to love what i love. be who i be. i must quit this current path that leads to my demise. i'm already so close.
you're not defined by what loves you. you're defined by what you love. just let it be. let it happen. march forward, with face to the sun.
if you're reading this, know i'll never forget you. and how fucked the hell up is that? just throwing it out there, because as i write this, i keep envisioning your reading it.
i'll get better. i won't be surprised at where the time has gone in 2.5 years. i'll be me. i'll be me. i will be me.
More about the phenomenal author
I don't know how to get over someone as dangerous, tainted, and flawed as you. You're screwed up and brilliant, look like a million dollar man. So why is my heart broke?
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