by some magic turn of the myspace wheel, i have found the blog of my first bestfriend. she and i were bestfriends in late high school and throughout most of my early days in college. hell, all my early days in college. even through all that i'm capable of seeing of her in my blog, i see remnants of the two of us.
since i've been feeling like shit because of some fucking sinus infection and other mind-numbing shit, i'm up at 4 am trying to entertain myself to sleep. but it doesn't come. i pull up her blog, and i get lost. it's like i'm catching up on years of loss. but i still hate her, and i'm pretty sure that she'd say that she still hates me. but i think that hate comes from our different ways of expressing such awesome similarities...if that makes sense.
like, she's loud with her differences. i'm soft with my differences, even if i choose to acknowledge them. but both of those reactions come from quite similar insecurities.
still, she's managed to get married, give birth to one, maybe two kids. (the second one had about arrived earlier this month, and her blog stopped there.) sounds like she has friends and acquaintances...a sense of community...of a community who's aware of her, even the her that she's hiding by being so fucking loud.
and all of this...and all of the other people i've found on myspace who were a part of my growing up...makes it extremely evident to me that i'm just not happy with where i am right now. i mean, i love my job, but i'm fucking sick of most everything else. i call this place a home, but it's not.... there's too much silence, there's too much we don't know about each other, there's too much not giving a shit, there's absolutely too goddamned motherfucking much distance between that i'm not sure can ever be recovered...or covered for the first time. and i truly don't want to find myself being 70 years old, looking back over my life, and thinking, "jesus christ, you sure made some fucked-up decisions."
there are things i've wanted for a long time, and just the fact that i've wanted them for a long time should say something of their relevance, right? but, still, i think in the back of my mind, there's this mean little guy saying what if you get those things only to find out that you don't really want them? what if the grass really is always greener on the other side of the fence?
i just want to be honest. honest me. stop letting all this little shit worrying tear me down until i'm useless with no energy left to make shit happen. i was supposed to be great. i was supposed to be somebody, but i feel like nobody on most days. the young years are behind me. the adult years are here, and i better make good use of them, not use my vantage point at the head of the pack just to turn around and watch the others catch me and pass me up like i've done in the past.
my motherfucking nose won't stop motherfucking running, and now that i've been awake all goddamned night, i have to go to school all day today for a conference which will, undoubtedly, make my year next year a funderful one!
since i've been feeling like shit because of some fucking sinus infection and other mind-numbing shit, i'm up at 4 am trying to entertain myself to sleep. but it doesn't come. i pull up her blog, and i get lost. it's like i'm catching up on years of loss. but i still hate her, and i'm pretty sure that she'd say that she still hates me. but i think that hate comes from our different ways of expressing such awesome similarities...if that makes sense.
like, she's loud with her differences. i'm soft with my differences, even if i choose to acknowledge them. but both of those reactions come from quite similar insecurities.
still, she's managed to get married, give birth to one, maybe two kids. (the second one had about arrived earlier this month, and her blog stopped there.) sounds like she has friends and acquaintances...a sense of community...of a community who's aware of her, even the her that she's hiding by being so fucking loud.
and all of this...and all of the other people i've found on myspace who were a part of my growing up...makes it extremely evident to me that i'm just not happy with where i am right now. i mean, i love my job, but i'm fucking sick of most everything else. i call this place a home, but it's not.... there's too much silence, there's too much we don't know about each other, there's too much not giving a shit, there's absolutely too goddamned motherfucking much distance between that i'm not sure can ever be recovered...or covered for the first time. and i truly don't want to find myself being 70 years old, looking back over my life, and thinking, "jesus christ, you sure made some fucked-up decisions."
there are things i've wanted for a long time, and just the fact that i've wanted them for a long time should say something of their relevance, right? but, still, i think in the back of my mind, there's this mean little guy saying what if you get those things only to find out that you don't really want them? what if the grass really is always greener on the other side of the fence?
i just want to be honest. honest me. stop letting all this little shit worrying tear me down until i'm useless with no energy left to make shit happen. i was supposed to be great. i was supposed to be somebody, but i feel like nobody on most days. the young years are behind me. the adult years are here, and i better make good use of them, not use my vantage point at the head of the pack just to turn around and watch the others catch me and pass me up like i've done in the past.
my motherfucking nose won't stop motherfucking running, and now that i've been awake all goddamned night, i have to go to school all day today for a conference which will, undoubtedly, make my year next year a funderful one!
More about the phenomenal author
I don't know how to get over someone as dangerous, tainted, and flawed as you. You're screwed up and brilliant, look like a million dollar man. So why is my heart broke?
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