antitheism

just the idea that some people feel they need a book in order to know the difference between right and wrong is appalling to me. for me, the difference is quite obvious. it's the same as the difference between lightness and darkness. you get positive consequences, it's good. you get negative consequences, it's bad. and i'm not talking about your being hurt because your man done left you, and that's a bad thing for you, but a good thing for him. i'm talking the biggies. the physical pain and the life-long mental trauma. the intent is there.

like, we don't need a book to tell us what to eat. we eat the wrong things, and we become unhealthy. this is the same, really. we do the wrong things, we become unhealthy. but the bible gives us some advice in terms of food and diet. i believe it tells us not to eat shellfish. but in reality, shellfish (properly prepared) is quite healthy and has demonstrated a positive effect on our bodies. but it's still immoral. taking another's life is immoral. that's intentionally inflicting a negative chain of events on another living creature. (i totes see what i'm doing here. talking in circles. that's all.) a cow is not here for us to eat anymore than we're here for lions and tigers and bears to eat.

and what about santa claus? (i don't really miss god, but i sure miss santa claus.) isn't he one of the more recent gods created in order to gain submission? we tell our kids that santa watches over them and that he'll bring lots of great gifts to the good girls and boys, while the bad girls and boys will get nothing (or perhaps a lump of coal). same damn principle.

and i don't even deny the existence of a god. i just have no proof that one exists. and i need proof. the same way i'd need proof if someone said there's a magical fairy flying through all the blue states, shitting quarters. but if there is a god who's really a divine being, then it would look at these bibles, these books of so-called moral guidance, as the biggest indicator of morality. those who follow its words only as a means of self-reward, with no care in the world for the suffering of others, would most definitely indicate a complete and total lack of morality. too bad the "christian" culture is still running fucking rampant in these here parts.

facebook fucking annoys me. there are too many people who constantly post the religious, jesus me-me's. they make me want to fucking puke. those are obviously the ones who feel the need to prove their adherence to the scripture in order to prove they're good people, because they have reason to doubt their own goodness.

and i have a long way to go on this path of morality. there are numerous things i do, on a daily basis, that make me immoral. but i'm not going to hell. i'm simply going to die one day. and that's how i want it to be. immortal life sounds ridiculously draining. (and i totally remember thinking that as a child in a "christian" home.) to me, it'd be like constant day, constant work, constant interaction, and never sleeping. that i do not want. if it's immortality that you desire, do something to ensure your name will be on the tongues of others for thousands of years to come. like aristotle, for example.

and don't be a prick. evolve. : )

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hold me close like we both died, my ever-pressing suicide, my stupid fuck, my blushing bride.  today:  i'm focused upon patterns. 

he was sure that

i thought i had more to say.  and i do.  but i cannot say it.  Continue reading →

this is what makes us girls

it's looking like it may be a nice day.  it's around 50 right now.  my cousin's supposed to be here in around an hour to look at some work i'd like to accomplish.  there's plenty to do outside.  plenty to do inside.  and i believe with my new medication (increase?) that's possible.  the weather also deserves some gratitude.  so, thank you, weather.  now to brush my teeth and clean up my phace a little. 

you don't want to get this way:  famous and dumb at an early age.

have a fantatic, all my loyal readers. 

but if you don't read this, then fuck you.

because you have to show me that i'm important.

i'm unable to deduce that myself. 

just some idea fragments for your consideration.

i love you.  jesus.

i love you, jesus. 

laytah!
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a dream

at some point during the night, i had one of those vivid dreams that seems real.  it made me feel good.  purposeful.  part of the in-crowd.  i had a child.  and a wife (who wore a lilac-colored gown to a presentation she was doing and seemed to be quite over-dressed).  i was on my way to a presentation - at least it was something of which i was the center, the reason.  i looked in the mirror and i remember thinking that i looked great, but that nothing matched either.  (it's funny how a brief idea when you're awake can translate into something so relevant in dreamland.)  i vaguely remember making it to my engagement a little late with my son in tow, telling my wife she was over-dressed.  handing him over.  and then it just dissolved.  but it felt good.  indeed.  Continue reading →

days like these

people always ask me if i miss my mom.  on her birthday, on christmas, on mother's day.  and the answer is yes.  i miss her everyday.  every moment, if that's possible.  i just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that i'm NEVER going to see her again, talk to her again, touch her again.  i miss the ways she kept everything going.  i miss the way she always seemed to have a group of kids in the house.....

but days like today, i miss her even more.  spring is in the air.  that's a promise that nice days are about to become pretty typical, bringing with it, replenishing.  baby animals, baby cows, baby chicks.  new grass, new leaves.  green.  it means getting the garden ready to plant, getting in those cold weather crops, like lettuce and onions and radishes. 

the excitement of this time of year was in her blood, as it's in my blood.  she gave it to me.  and i'll never get to experience it with her again.  but now she's a part of nature, even more than she was before.  and i miss her today, more than ever before.  Continue reading →

the countdown begins

just two months and twenty days before his thirty-eighth birthday, he put it into words:  he could not follow the (cliched) well-traveled road that was laid out in order to give the average joe love, happiness...success.  he's not the average joe.  he's extraordinary, whether he's believed it up until now or not.  he's an extremely liberal elementary school teacher in a public school setting, a public school setting which happens to be a very small-town rural barely noticeable dot on a map of the midwest.  any way you could turn, you'd find yourself at the heart of the belt of the bible.  he's gay, in a town where marriage, a career that puts you atop the list of incomes, two kids, a home, and golf outings with the buds speak of ultimate success.  he's atheist, where everyone's christianity is their badge of valor, badge of goodness, proof that they're fighting the good fight. 

and he doesn't want to, wouldn't, wouldn't want to change his persona for all the acceptance from all the big fish in a very small, artificial pond...in all the world.  maybe, just maybe, probably maybe, probably he's who he is to break the monotony, to be an example, to be proof that there's more, there's unknown, there's still real estate to be explored. 

that day, two months and twenty days before his thirty-eighth birthday, is the day he first became determined to face in the direction of HIS destiny, his happiness, his brand of success.   

and maybe, maybe, just maybe, it doesn't automatically mean a lonely journey throughout the rest of his days. 

because, surely there are some other extraordinary souls (with penises) out and about seeking other like-minded souls (with penises). 

and he'll have no more of the kind who're in desperate love with their mommy.  Continue reading →

I hope I don't wake up tomorrow. I'm done. I find absolutely no joy in anything I do. I just want it to end. I don't want to feel anymore. I want this to be over. No one in the world gives a fuck about me. Continue reading →

Does anyone else hear the irony in a teacher yelling at her students to _________ quietly? Continue reading →

I look forward to going to bed every night. It's just to be away from the taunts and the busy and the isolation. I hope that when I die, it's inside a peaceful, yearned-for sleep like the one I'm headed for tonite, and I hope that I don't have any notion that it's coming. And when I'm gone, I'd like to be cremated, if you're sure it won't hurt. Scatter my ashes in the Atlantic, please.
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it's not great, but it's a great start



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Nicest Thing

I know it's fucking lame, but I wish there were just one person out there who cared enough about who I am that s/he'd put in the effort, and dig, to figure me out. 

 

I wish that you loved me;

I wish that you needed me.

 

Nicest Thing

by Kate Nash

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favorite guy
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you'd always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish we could see if we could be something

 



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fuck off

my aunt, who owns the property where i live, has always had deep issues with stupidity.  ...actually, i'm not sure who really owns the property.  my name is on the deed at the courthouse, and i believe she has it set up so that she has a lifetime estate (or whatthefuckever it's called).  in any case, we've all (my dad, sorta included) been working to make progress.  we tore down all the old outbuildings this past summer and had a brand new barn built.  by a professional.  and now, because we have four horses, we need some fence work done.  there's fence, but it's old, and there are holes.  the fence around the barn is non-existent, so i've been keeping the horses in the barn for the past month or so.  that's a good thing, with the cold, winter weather and shit.  but this past weekend, we had really awesome weather (60+ degrees) so i turned the horses out into the pasture, and i was nervous the whole time, afraid they were going to get out of the fence and go who-knows-where, so i asked my aunt to help me secure a loan (i have too much debt to get a reasonable loan) in order to have someone build a new fence.  this evening i told her i'd contacted a builder who was coming in on saturday to give us an estimate.  her response was, "we can't get a loan without putting up the property, and i'm not putting up MY property [for collateral.]"  my response was, "you do what you have to do to get shit done."  she said she didn't want to lose HER property.  my response?  "how're you going to lose it?"  her response?  "i can't pay the loan off."  my response?  "you're not paying it off; i am."  ...and i fucking wish i had the debt problems she has, with thousands upon thousands in the bank.

but the whole point here is her continued irrational shenanigans.  nothing's worth having, unless you can take care of it.  i've dealt with this shit my WHOLE life.  WHOLE life!  no fucking kidding.  she and my dad spent all of my childhood fighting IN COURT as to who the owner of this fucking place is.  for what?  it's shit.  i'm embarrassed to bring any of my friends here.  it's getting better, though, and i WILL have a nice place to live.  and if she makes this too complicated, i'll walk.  i've wasted too many years holding myself back because of others' stupidity. 

i'm not many years away from 40, and i'm living here with my dad, and she's next door.  for what?  because my dad's too idiotic to take care of himself.  and she's pretty goddamned dumb, too.  but, you know what?  my dad's never attempted to forge a relationship with me.  you know what he got me for christmas?  i don't either.  i saw nothing.  never have.  it's not about the tangible; it's about the intangible it represents.  his gratitude that i'm willing to stay here and make sure he's taken care of.  nothing. 

so, my plan?  i walk.  my mom put their house in my name before she passed away, so it's mine.  and it's on my "aunt's property".  you know what happens if i walk?  this house fucking gets demolished.  promise.  then i'll never see or hear from them again.  promise. 

i am attempting to do for myself something which no one has ever done for me - make myself a home (of which i can be proud).  

they're the only family i have.  and i don't have any close friends anymore.  one?  maybe.  but i'll survive.  there are certainly people out there with whom i can bond.  i'm pretty sure i'm pretty awesome.  most of the time.  anyway. 

i control my life.  and i control my reactions to it.  i'm too fucking negative for you?  i'd suggest you walk the fuck out of my life.

too.  Continue reading →

Oh, and.... Fuck cancer! Continue reading →

Mama

Exactly one year ago, my mom was living out her last few minutes. I won't ever let a date on a calendar control my emotions, but I'll forever miss my mama. She was absolutely the best mama for me. She's a part of me, and she most definitely deserves to be remembered with love and respect. I do that every minute of every day. I will always love you, Mom. : ) Continue reading →

jesus wants us to love everyone...even ourselves

i'm getting better at facing my "fears" and just doing the fucking things i need to do.  for instance, today i was on a trip for work.  last nite i had to drive to the nearest big city, check into a hotel and meet colleagues at a restaurant for dinner.  and i did it all... alone.  in major rush hour traffic.  and i really didn't feel the anxiety i used to feel.  i'm also getting used to be surrounded by people i don't know and also speaking my mind.  and getting up to pee in the middle of a meeting involving 100+ guests, and not not doing it, because i don't want x set of eyes on me.  so there's a victory for me.  or more than one, if you want to be all pollyanna-like.  and i do. 

also, i've always felt so overwhelmed with my job.  i don't think anyone who's never been a (great) teacher can truly empathize with all the shit a teacher has to do.  i really do believe we have one of the toughest, most time-consuming jobs ever.  period.  and as i was driving home this evening, i realized that i learned a lot today.  i have a lot of ideas to ponder after today.  i have a lot of potential uses for the knowledge i gained today.  and it felt overwhelming.  and it just came to me....  define what success at work means to me and work toward it.  one step at a time.  one step at a time, and on from there.  (a tired-as-fuck metaphor, but it works!)  i'll never be perfect, but i'll be what i want to be as long as i'm growing and evolving. 

that goes for weight issues, too.  i don't like my weight issues.  i don't like the way i look.  i haven't watched myself masturbate in a mirror for a REALLY long time!  but as long as i'm making progress, that's what matters.  i'm still a good person.  i'm still wonderful.  i'm still the me the world needs me to be because i'm being authentic.  i just have to stop eating out of discontent.  and taking drugs out of discontent.  neither of those things leads to the life i want. 

evolution's what this life's all about!  ciao! Continue reading →

Pity party just for me

I wish I had someones I could call up and talk with about anything. It'd be too much for one person to handle, so that's why we need more than just one other person to handle us.

Tonite I need someone to talk me through my discontent with my colleagues. Who the fuck knew being a teacher would feel so much like being a fucking high school student? Who knew so many popularity politics would be at play? Who knew it'd be such a game you have to learn to play through trial and error? Who knew there'd be so much hen-pecking to death of those not like everyone else? I love, love, love the essence of my job, but I fucking loathe all the baggage and the bags that come with.

And I need someone to run through this with me tonite. I need the touch of another human. I need the love, the caring, the nurturing of another human. I need to feel what another adult has to give. To give. To fucking give! I want to be on the motherfucking receiving end of shit just for a little fucking while.

I'm worn the fuck out tonite. I miss my mom. I miss her like crazy. And I'm lonely. And I'm alone. And I'm sad. And I'm anxious about what's to come. And I just want someone. Someone quality. Some quality one.

I want that before I'm sure I don't deserve anyone. I need loved. Continue reading →

fucking cray cray!

people who constantly use facebook in order to scream that which defines them are equivalent to the jim carrey character on in living color who'd walk into any room and shout, "i'm gay!"  or was that mad tv, and not jim carrey, but the stewart guy?   matters not, but what matters is these people really need to expand their horizons.  perhaps instead of looking at the world through the pregnant lens (e.g., this mama's going to get her haircut today.  5 weeks!) or the sick lens (e.g., i feel like i complain all the time, but i have to take my meds today and they're not going to win!  i'm going to bed.  i wish i could be awake like everyone else.  no one knows what this feels like.), look at the world through the person lens (e.g., christmas was fantastic, but now i'm looking forward to easter, because i'm going to weigh 30 pounds less than i do now.)?  however, you must remember not to over talk the weight loss shit.  let nothing consume you, bitch.  show your dynamic self?  it's much more appealing to those of us who may want to get in your pantaloons. 

 

(and why the fuck can i not upload a motherfucking picture from my fucking hard drive?)

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tudu

my tudu list today consists of: 

1. clean out my closet. (like vacuum the floor and shit.)
2. wash the comforter that be on my bed.  (too damn many cats have been lying on it.)
3. wash all the other dirties in the haus.
4. make word study plans for the upcoming month o' school.
5. complete my newsletter for back-to-school.
6. complete my plans for my students' (dreaded) writing project.
7. think about some "what if's" and write. 

there was something else on there, but it's in the process of becoming accomplished anyhow.  and i don't want to reveal too much about my nasty habits to my billions of readers.

 

my secret plan is to become a best-selling author of the first of many best-selling books and move on with my life.  not that i don't love my job.  there're just too many folks who aren't educators running the "business".  and i find that ironic in the most moronic sense. 

 

popular girls with money and degrees and attitudes.  that's all you gots to have to succeed in this fucked-up world of today. 

 

i need to be at the highest rung possible in the self-ownership section of life.  that, and i love to be creative and baffling. 

 

and somewhat overwhelming. 

 

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every nite

What's so fucking fantastic about being ordinary, fairytale? What's the payoff? Is it feeling like you're doing something others can't? Are you simply winning the game you're running inside your head? Are you truly happy being a servant with control issues? Continue reading →

i'm pretty sure this is a promotional shot from a porn.  definitely not a promotional shot from an ob/gyn practice.  this'd have to be the most horrid job one could have.  either porn actor or ob/gyn.  but i suppose most ob/gyn's don't get into the business for the pussy.  i doubt that porn actors are in it for the pussy either.  it's all for self-glorification.  we all know that "straight" men secretly want other men to want them, and, generally speaking, other "straight" men do want them.  we're all pansexual, but we're so brainwashed by the customs of our society to be who we they really want us to be.  even me.  i'm sure i'm pansexual, but i still can't fathom putting my tongue into a twat.  it's society who's done that to me, and yet they've persecuted me for that.  i've always wanted to be my mama or my aunt, junie b. jones.  i want to be the wife.  i want to push the baby out.  i want to join all the other mean-girl mama's for pto meetings, and slam the other non-cool mama's and teachers and such.  dan pearce is freaking superb! Continue reading →

Where the Past Meets with the Present



I've spent a lot of time in 2012 thinking about death.  My mama passed away on January 12, 2012, so the year was started off with the right stuff to nudge me down that lane.  I've determined that I am an adult, finally, and I am next in the generational line for death to take me.  And I'm not as ambivalent about it as I once thought I was.  Death has me on my toes, because I know he's lurking around here somewhere, and he could overpower me at any moment.  But that's led to a somewhat positive turn of events.  I'm becoming more and more adamant about routinely living each day to the fullest.  But it hasn't manifested into a reality yet.  Really.  I've done a lot of living inside my head over the years.  (Ask any of my former husbands.)  And I still have that blasphemous habit. 

No New Year's resolutions for me either.  There's no reason that the New Year has to be started off with great intentions that only fade away as the days progress, only to be forgotten until the next year, constantly looking forward to the next event that'll break the monotony.  (I've determined that the time for monotony set-in is somewhere between the 7 days and two-weeks marker, for me.) 

I don't want ever again to look back on my life and wonder where the time has gone.  I want to have lived in each and every moment I've been afforded in this experience we call life.  I want to be doing exactly what I want to do, what feels totally right for me.  I know I'm going to die, and I know all the chances and possibilities and procrastination will catch up with me then.  Of course, that depends upon the way in which death takes me.  (I hope he makes it fast, so that I don't even know that it's coming.)  If I don't know he's about to get me, then I won't have the time to ponder all that I've failed to do with my life.  So that crap's my resolution.  Not my New Year's resolution.  But my life's resolution.  I know there will be days and maybe even months or years in which I fail to prosper and fill these measures of time with the adventures that fulfill me. 

I'm going to quit being so fucking afraid all the time.  If I want to walk into WalMart at noon on the third of the month, by God, I'm going to do it. 

I'm going to try vegetarianism.  I'm going to try and give my digestive system a fucking break.  Clean the bitch out.  I'm sure it's easier to have the dick of the one you love up your ass when your system's not already so full of digesting food.  Make room for the dick.  That's going to be my logo.  Not my logo.  The logo of my diet. 

I'm also a little afraid that death is imminent for the human species as a whole.  We've become so tribal, so insecure about our selves, that we constantly seek to one-up those around us, even the ones we love.  Or am I missing something?  Is this simply my world?  I remembered growing up today, about how different life felt when there were different gate-keepers.  Those gate-keepers concerned themselves with community.  We were one.  If there was something wrong, something neglected in the life of another in the community, we felt it our obligation to fix it, to do some good.  Now drugs are rampant, and what for?  To numb ourselves so that we don't have do deal with the realities we've created?  Because we don't know how to deal with those realities?  I'm not going to lie here.  I have my own drug demons. 

Have you ever contemplated the cyclic nature of our lives, of nature?  There's the reproduction, birth, adulthood, reproduction, later life, death, and it keeps repeating?  There's the menstrual cycle.  There's the cycle of seasons.  There's the orbital path of the planets around the sun.  (And that happens in other solar systems, too, right?)  Life and death.  We know that dinosaurs were decimated, extinct.  We've witnessed the demise of several species.  We're not far away from that.  Our cycle has cycled, and we're definitely on the path to destruction with all the hate and fear and loathing that's present in our culture.  There are so many fucking advances in medicine and technology and theology and government that we're killing ourselves with those things.  You didn't think the government card fit, did you?  But we've always had issues with government!  But have the issues ever really been so motherfucking far-reaching?  This is mine; that's yours.  Touch it, and get nuked! 

We're going down.  I know it.  And I believe the social consciousness knows it, too.  Look at all the infatuation with the end.  There was this Mayan calendar shit.  After we made it past December 21, I read about an asteroid that's going to come precariously close to the earth in 2040-ish.  As a whole, we know it's coming, and we don't want to be taken by surprise.  We want to survive this.  We want our kids, our family to come out of this alive, to be able to become the Adam and the Eve for the next wave of folks.  To hold the secrets for the future generations, like the writers of our Holy books have done. 

Money's not the root of all evil; power is the root of all evil.  Continue reading →

female trubble

i do believe that part of my day today shall be spent watching female trouble, then the christmas episode of my so-called life. 

i picked my "dad" up at the hospital today.  he seems to be making a habit out of being released from the hospital just before major holidays.  we'll see what new year's brings. 

i'm fighting the urge to be typical, because i always feel the need to be typical around this time of year.  this morning on facebook, a former classmate announced that he and his wife are expecting.  that's something that'd usually make me feel shitty for being atypical, for being unable to get there.  at the very least, it'd start me down that path.  but it's nothing that's ever going to work out for me.  it's not a possibility, and i've realized there's no point in feeling depressed over something that's never going to happen. 

and i'm not going to feel sad or depressed that christmases with my mom are never to be again.  i have great memories.  it was her favorite time of the year, but, again, it's never to be, so why be sad about it? 

i just want to feel like i belong.  and i do.  i am as worthy as any other motherfucker out there. 

i deserve to be loved.  even if it's not by you.  even if i never experienced it from

nope.  not going there.  i have the power.  i have the power.  i have the power to change.  i have the power to change the course.  i have the power to change the course of my life. 

there's no point in crying over mistakes.  mistakes are for learning.  it's just too bad we spend our lives learning to be.  to be.  to be.  that's it.  just to be.  and then we're gone. 

maybe there's some eternal or after-life kinda reward for those who've strived to grow, to evolve.  maybe death, for those of us, just leads to the next part of the evolution. 

this is not a new year's resolution.  this is simply growth.  i'm not going to make decisions (any decisions at all) based upon the perceived desires of others.  my decisions, from this point forward, are going to be made for my sake.  for the sake of my happiness.  or at least i'll do the best i can. 

i need to be easier on me.  Continue reading →

I've got to start reassessing those relationships I've considered friendships. When folks show you, over and over, that they're in no way interested in spending time with you, or they don't have anything to offer you (a shoulder, a hug, a caring word), it's just time to let go. And, btw, I encourage those I don't give the time of day to, to go ahead and write me off as well. Continue reading →

nothing is provocative anymore
even for kids
no room for imagining 'cause
everyone's seen everything
question what the tv tells you
question what a pop star sells you
question mom and
question dad
question good and
question bad Continue reading →

fucked. hard.

perhaps i'm a heartless cunt.  no.  scratch that.  i am a heartless cunt.  i don't have what it takes to sit in front of the television dissecting the ins and outs of this massacre.  yes, it's horrible, but i have no connection to it whatsoever.  yes, i'm an elementary teacher, and yes i have two kids who go to the elementary school where i teach.  but this didn't happen to me.  it didn't happen to us.  i can't be horrified, but i know it's horrific.  i felt the same thing on 9/11.  shitty fucking event, but i was unable to feel the terror and the horror.  how many people out there feel as i do, but they're just crying and obsessing over it because they feel that they should?  they feel it's the normal shit to do?  what if we all stopped living the lives we think we should and just lived the lives we're here to live?  how the fuck would that change the motherfucking universe? 

in other news, i want fucked.  hard.  by a stud and a half.  Continue reading →

I was going to say that I think I like my bed a little too much, but that's simply not true. I love my bed lots and lots, but it's definitely not too much. I'd just enjoy having him back in it. Continue reading →

nothing's getting better as long as i'm here. 
true. 
maybe instead of being so fucking numb and standing still at a crossroads, it's time to make a decision.
leave everything i've ever known and find myself.  find my life.  find my meaning. 
or fucking die.  Continue reading →

You know how you just sort of have to numb yourself down and work your way really quickly through the things you don't want to do? Things you find painful? I've felt numbed down and rushing through for a year and a half. I think I'm getting to the point where I know I can't do it much longer. At all. Continue reading →

I like to sleep, but I don't like to wake up. I'm looking forward to only one thing today, and it's nothing good for me, nothing that'll contribute to my longevity. But who needs shit like that when you're living like this? Continue reading →

Who are you to tell me?

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I don't fucking pray.
So I won't pray for the "Lord" to take me.
Unless you mean sexually.
It'd be hot for a big, strong, powerful man like the lord to take me.
Like a vitamin.
And ravage my ass.

I have a mean streak.
It's me.
No apologies.
It's not like I whip the bitch out on those undeserving.

I want to be in love.
I want your fucking ass with me.
I was totally and completely in fucking LOVE with you.
And I fucking still am!!!
Bastard.
I know I'm a hell of a lot to handle.
But I'm worth it.
I still think about you everyday...even after almost four years have passed.

I'm going to try and be my biggest fan.
People suck.
And they're shallow.
I need a deep pool in which to swim.

You're my last bone of contention.
Continue reading →

my disorder, in detail

North Pole/South Pole. Summer/Winter. Black/white. There's an opposite for everything. (Love/indifference. Penis/vag.) Am I the opposite of feminist, since I put penis first?

People who exist within the autism spectrum have difficulties picking up on the subtleties of body language, nuances, connotations and figurative language.

Then, isn't it only logical that there are those of us who are hypersensitive to body language, nuances, connotations and figurative language?

I'm the opposite of autistic.

And our true love is our opposite? Continue reading →

how to be a heartbreaker

rule #1:  you got to have fun, but, baby, when you're done, you got to be the first to run.

rule #2:  just don't get attached to somebody you could lose.

rule #3:  wear your heart on your cheek, but never on your sleeve, unless you want to taste defeat.

rule #4:  gotta be looking pure; kiss him goodbye at the door; leave him wanting more.  Continue reading →

Photo.

This probably seems quite odd to many, but on Friday evening, I was in my grandma's old house. I was using the bathroom, and I looked over, into the open closet door. At the floor, some of the drywall was busted to reveal what was underneath. Underneath was the old wall with old wallpaper. I love that this was there as I was growing up, as my mom was growing up. And it's still there. I had to take a picture. It's like touching the past. Owning a piece of the past that came before me. It's mine now. : )

Continue reading →

Quandary

What do you do when you don't want to go home, and you don't want to stay here? Continue reading →

Sleepy

I wish I could sleep, but I can't. Tomorrow's a lot to do.

Continue reading →

the beginning

            He never understood that she kept him anchored to the world until she was gone.
            It was a frigid Thursday evening in January with soft snowflakes falling as she took her last breath.  The last few days had been a sharp decline. On Monday she talked about the future with her son and, as she’d always been able to do, she consoled him. After their talk, he felt that maybe there existed a future bright, in which the both of them could grow and smile and continue being there for each other. Tuesday was when the social worker showed up to talk them through this stage of grieving, whatever it was, and he released the iota of hope that she’d imparted to him, and it drifted away and voided itself of their presence. Wednesday he never left her bedside. He wasn’t sure what word to attach to the situation, but she seemed to be quite delirious, talking, moaning about those close to them who’d been leaving this world in the last few years. Thursday was silent.  She seemed to be resting peacefully until sometime in the dark of the evening, she opened her eyes and looked up at him, one tear escaping the corner of her right eye, and she was gone. He just felt it.
            His dad removed himself from the dying process. Later he’d overhear him talking to other people, saying things like, “I just couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t watch her die. It hurt too bad.” He wouldn’t let the angry beast escape him in front of those who deemed their presence obligatory. But he wanted to yell at his dad and ask him how the fuck he thought she felt when the only way she could avoid death was to die.
            So after she’d gone, he worked his way through the checklist, calling the right folks in the right order. The Hospice nurse would be there to declare her dead and do the things necessary when this happens in the home. The family would all be coming in to see her in her home one last time, after they’d barely been there in the months since her diagnosis. It’s just what you do had nothing on him, because he didn’t consume artificiality.
            He simply retreated once the first one walked through the front door without knocking (Isn’tknocking something you just do?) because he’d always weathered these kinds of storms with her and that wouldn’t be possible anymore.  People had always overwhelmed him with all their unspoken messages of want, and he’d been trained to meet the needs ofeveryone. He just couldn’t do that now, and maybe never again.
            His dad had her body removed to a funeral home he’d never have chosen because the people there were rude to him when his mom’s sister was there. And the next morning, he and his father, along with relatives who insisted on being there to support them in their hour of need, trekked to the funeral home to make arrangements he wanted to makehimself. He knew what she’d want, because they’d had the type of relationship where knowing what the other wants without it being delivered in an obvious way, like talking to each other, was protocol. He didn’t need the extra bother of their presence. His dad was enough. Continue reading →

yes you

i like the snake on your tattoo.  i like the ivy and the ink blue.  yayo.  yes you.  you have to take me right now from this dark trailer park life now. 

that's a fucking song right there.  not a fucking song.  but a song by which to fuck.  some strange ones have become my heroes.  hero hos.  i wanna let loose on the world. 

i have so much i need to be doing.  sitting here is not one of them.  bathing the dogs and washing bed clothes is one of them.  add other laundry into that and you've got an almost full list of to-dos.  add grade papers and plan for this week and you have a full list of to-dos.  blah.

i don't want to go back on monday.  thank ___________ for the breaks, though.  i'm not an middle class, christian, rural american.  what if the i that i am doesn't fit with the rest.  there's no connecting piece?  there's no opposite of me.  i don't know where i belong.  i simply cannot imagine myself anywhere.  anywhere, along with happiness and belonging and shit. 

i want to find the others that also came here from the same ship.  they're out there.  i know they are.  i wanna get phucked up.  (i know your wife, and she wouldn't mind.)  Continue reading →

this came true

http://starphucker.blogspot.com/2002_02_01_archive.html#9420316

my grandma did pass away while i was in savannah, georgia.  march, 2005. Continue reading →

here's a blog i started in June, 2001.  i think it ended in august, 2001:

http://starphucker2.blogspot.com/2001_06_01_asshole.html

and here looks like march through august, 2001:

http://starphucker1.blogspot.com/2001_03_01_ashole.html
Continue reading →

I know who loves me most in the world.

Today's been a lazy af day. I been unner da covahs for years. I went to bed at 8 something and got up allmos at 11 tahday.

No more dying crap. Continue reading →

if i'd have made my arrival from the lips of her vagina, i'm pret sure i'd have been a straight man.  Continue reading →

say you remember

black friday.  if i were black, i'd be pissed, and i'm sick of fucking hearing about black friday deals.  let's let christmas be about jesus, the intent of the original holiday.

love you more than those bitches before (or after). 

people are judged based upon what they probably look like naked.  have you ever noticed that shit?

i will love you 'til the end of time. 

i need to go brush my teeth and wash my faces. 

i need to make the stuffing. 

how about some stuffing made out of zac efron's cock.  i'd so be the turkey for that.  even if it meant sacrificing life and shit. 

love hurts. 

Her voice reminds me of how religious structures like mosques and churches were traditionally built with flaws in order to avoid perfection...because perfection is reserved for God.
 

then why we all be striving for perfection?  are we truly trying to be more god-like? 

it's all about the power of god, baby.

he's on top. 

i love it when he's on top.  his elbows behind my knees.  pushing my legs into the air and back so as to have easier access to my hole. 

then he slams it in and starts pounding away.  hot damn. 

i love the way my asshole feels all open and loose and juicy after a hot fuck. 

promise that you'll remember you're mine. 

this makes lana look like an adele...headed for a fucked-up holiday. 

 

 

sometimes love is not enough.

 

let me fuck you hard in the pouring rain?

 

this is the last time, cuz you and i?

 

we were born to die. 

Continue reading →

Ceiling tiles and corrupt files

Bless all the turkeys who sacrificed their livez so that you may feel normal tomorrow, America.

But seriously, what happens to all the featherz? Are they just disposed of?

And why'z it so wrong to end a sennence with a prepOsition?

Were the rulez based upon aural notions, or were they only random?

I want to get the damned turkey in the oven by ate.

Heaven or hell or both heaven and hell should be quite overpopulated by now, no?

To me, that proves souls are recycled. Or that souls are a figment. (Some, many thoughts don't need to be completed with the lips, because they're completed with the ears.)

And shouldn't Heaven and Hell both be capitalized?

Some cruel tyrant had to create the word "should".

Peace out, bitches.

Fuck you. It's only a word. Can you decipher the message's intent only through convention?

"Fuck you" = "I love you" in many instances. Especially among men.

More rules I'm proud to know. My head's deprived of space as a result of those rules, just like a computer could run more efficiently with only the most necessary of rules. Continue reading →

the fragile demeanor of the pussy

holidays typically make me yearn to be typical.  the typical family.  the tv spot for comfort. 

anything i ever had that was anywhere remotely similar to that is spent. 

my dad was released from the hospital last evening, after a stay of 11 nites.  i already miss his total absence.  total?  the fucker and i have never had any type of relationship.  now, the only thing i feel for him is a sense of duty, because my mom felt it was her duty to nurture his lazy, fucked-up, no good ass.  making sure he has a minuscule buffer against the cruelty of nature is my paying homage to my mother. 

he's never felt any sense of duty toward me.  or any of his kids.  or any of his grandkids. 

he's like a 70 year-old child.  he can't put fucking shit away.  he can't do anything.  to hear him tell, he never has any money, even though he consistently takes money from his bank account, leaving me responsible for more than my fair share.  not that he has any concept of anyone's fair share.  he only has a concept of himself. 

last nite i visited my mom's sister because i was in her town on other business.  :-)  she and i began talking about my dad.  i guess because he'd just been released from the hospital.  i mentioned that i'd met my oldest (half) sister a couple of times now, and i'd also met both of her boys.  and i relieved myself of some of the mess regarding that issue that's been plopped down in the center of my consciousness since the very moment i learned about my sisters' existence.  i've no doubt whatsoever that, if my mom had not maintained her relationship with him, he'd have left me behind as well. 

how the fuck do you go through life knowing you have two offspring you know nothing about.  knowing they each have offspring you've never even fucking met!?  it's their "fault" for not pursuing him? 

i loathe him. 

i wish i were indifferent. 

because indifference is the opposite of love.  love and hate are in the same spectrum.  i believe hate is a form of love.  if you hate, you give a fuck.  i want not to give a fuck. 

i'm sure i'll be relieved when he's gone.  why do i feel like putting words to those feelings will doom me? 

i'm already doomed.  i've been doomed since the second i was conceived.

this "family".  this way of "life".  this self. 

and i've never quite acknowledged my existence.  my desires.  my needs.  when i truly listen to me, i realize i don't believe i deserve anything good.  for reals.  i'm most cruel to myself. 

i don't feel like anyone could want me.  i don't feel like i deserve a healthy human relationship.  heaven fucking forbid relationshipS. 

i'm alone.  alone.  a.  l.  o.  n.  e. 

i hope that the trajectory of my circumstance has been altered, simply by resuming this blog.  by putting the realist me i can do for now out there for someone else to hear.  no name attached. 

but always with the hope that someone who does know my name is listening.  cares to listen.  cares to tether the real with the me. 

and abruptly he gets up and storms out of the room, and with his back turned against the ears of others:

have a fucking happy day of should.  pretending to be who i should be.  so i'm part of the crowd.  so i'm part of the in crowd. 

i turn my back on anyone who could possibly care for me because i want them to prove i'm worthy of pursuit. 

everyone's let me down so far in my life.  everyone.  everyfuckingone. 

it's time for me to should myself.  my.  self.  prove to myself that i'm worthy of pursuit.  i'm worthy of attempting to have my dreams fulfilled.  of having dreams in the first fucking place. 

again. 

have a truly full and complete and loving day of...  of.  of feeling.  of believing you're just like everyone else.

of believing that you're just like everyone else.  that you're so much like everyone else that you're lovable. 

i want to be lovable. 

now just to find the path to feeling it.

the next step will be knowing it.

then owning it. 

finally, letting no one forget. 

Continue reading →

You da bestest

Got my bad baby by my heavenly side.
I know if I go, I'll die happy tonite.

Think I'll miss you forever, like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky.
(Late is better than never.)
Even if you're gone, I'm going to drive. Continue reading →

remember

I should've learned by now that if I'm too tired to do something before bed, I'm not going to wake up in time to do it in the morning. Continue reading →

new day

i've often found i always get what i need (in lesson form).  last nite i met (seriously...just met) a man who revealed a character i've been trying to flesh out for years.  maybe now i can get my write on? 

for now, it's off to get ready for school.  an early day.  a lot to accomplish.  much of tomorrow's going to be eaten by food.  then off for the rest of the week.  hopefully the off-days don't fly by.

i'm preparing thanksgiving dinner for my fam.  i'm excited about that, but i miss my mama like crazy. 

trying not to let the holidays own me.

harvey's in the sky with diamonds, and he's makin' me crazy.

(here come another lie.)

all he wants to do is party with his pretty baby.

my fantasy is to develop a source of independent wealth.  i'm not digging having to pretend.  but here's to doing what need did.  ...and doing a damned fine job at it! Continue reading →

keeping it going

i have more to say, and i'm not stopping now.

like i said, that previous post linked to one of my favorite posts i've ever made. memories. i've been trying to create a list in my mind, a list that continues where the previous one leaves off. and i have to admit, i'm having a hell of a time.

are there things i don't want to admit i've enjoyed? or is it that i've been too busy living for others to enjoy anything i'm doing?

there's nothing i've enjoyed. i haven't let loose in a long time. i haven't been me. i can't enjoy anything when i'm not me.

this is not where i'd ever desired to be. yet, i'm here. yet, i'm the responsible party.

i have to change it. i have the power. instead of a list of memories past, i'm going to make a list of memories future.

and i'm going to do my best to allow the true me to shine through.

+ i'll believe i deserve to be the best. i'll believe i deserve to effect positive change (in the WORLD, even)!
+ i'll enjoy my body. that goes with being the best. deserving the best. i deserve to find myself attractive. attractive by my own standards, not the standards of the fake-as-fuck cliques of this fucked-up world.
+ i'll include the people in my life who're capable of honesty, who can deal with the true me. who love the true me. (note to self: stop fucking HIDING!)
+ i'll create. create creations that speak of my vision of what can be, what is that can be changed. evolution. positivity.
+ i'll seek to control myself, not the environment in which i find myself.
+ i'll find my home.
+ i'll find those who belong in my home environment.
+ i'll travel.
+ i'll discover beauty.
+ beauty doesn't need discovered. i simply need to see it.
+ i'll boil shit down to its essence, and i'll accomplish what i need to accomplish in situations i don't love. (necessary interactions with the colleagues.)

lana del rey is fucking genius. my pussy tastes like pepsi-cola? seriously. : ) Continue reading →

a fave

this is from my first blog, started more than 10 years ago.  it's one of my faves:

http://starphucker.blogspot.com/2001_10_01_archive.html#6771663 Continue reading →

it's been awhile

it's definitely been more than awhile. for some obscure reason, this morning after checking out the secrets on postsecret, i uncovered a longing to remember. i always go to the past when i seek comfort. this blog is one of the best things i've done. i can look back in it to see the boy i was, the man i wanted to become, the things i longed for. the dream i had for myself. that dream's gone missing.

i've had the same job for 9 years. how the hell did that happen? how the hell did i wind up in a conservative minuscule town on the map, where duplicates are the norm, the desire, the trophy, the score? i was going to be great. i was going to let my one-of-a-kindness shine through, like the beacon from a space vessel piercing the nite sky, bringing with it something new, some new landscape, some new pattern to life.

it's not that i hate my job, my uniqueness, my presence of awe. i hate that my desire to please others is drowning me. has drowned me? is there hope of a resurrection here? close-to-40's not too late. is it?

too many politics have shown up in education. too many bitches have reared their ugly fucking faces. too much conservatism is present. and it should be just the opposite. shouldn't it? i hate that i don't possess the self-belief to call that shot. the kids need someone who isn't looking to turn out little images of myself. don't they? kids need opportunities to be creative, to figure out themselves, to figure out what they're going to offer the world, what they're going to do to change the world. right? we can't have carbon copies and expect an evolution. right? RIGHT!

that realization makes it worthwhile. but i have to find my voice, my presence. i am respected by very few of my colleagues, seen as a trouble-maker by most. but i help kids grow. i don't repress them. i love the loud-mouths who won't do shit i ask them to do. i love the kids who refuse to be defined. i love the kids. that's why i'm there.

you're not defined by what loves you, but by what you love. i read that in my re-readings of my blog this morning. it makes me happy.

i used to see myself in a lovely marriage of love and family, behind a white picket fence in the country, with possessions that grounded me. i don't see that anymore. in fact, i'm seeing just the opposite. i'm scared as shit. i'm alone. and i'm lonely. pushing everyone away. inviting nobody in. not feeling good enough to want what i want. feeling old and unattractive and unloveable. wah! fucking wah!

i must allow myself to be pulled in the direction life takes me. i must meet with my purpose. i MUST! and if that purpose is to reform education in a small, midwestern town of fucking twits, then so be it.

but i still want to write. creativity makes me feel power. i need power again. i need to feel powerful, to feel wanted, to feel needed. i gave that away. i threw it away. i flung it away. i fucked it away. i'm not sure what i did with it. all i know is that it isn't with me anymore. none of it. no part of it. the alone part doesn't bother me; it the lonely that bothers me. it's the fear that bothers me.

i held so tightly onto my mother, and now she's gone. it was this time last year when she began her sharp descent into leaving me. the weather, the scents, the slant of the light, all remind me of that time. that was a horrible time, watching her decay before my very eyes, not a damned thing i could do. the force that brought me here, the force that kept me here. gone. january 12, 2012. i'll never see her again.

but i'm still here, living with self-inflicted pain. pain i can alleviate with my mind. i need self-love. i need self-motivation. i need purpose. i need determination. i need not to be definite. i need to love what i love. be who i be. i must quit this current path that leads to my demise. i'm already so close.

you're not defined by what loves you. you're defined by what you love. just let it be. let it happen. march forward, with face to the sun.

if you're reading this, know i'll never forget you. and how fucked the hell up is that? just throwing it out there, because as i write this, i keep envisioning your reading it.

i'll get better. i won't be surprised at where the time has gone in 2.5 years. i'll be me. i'll be me. i will be me. Continue reading →

who am i living for?

i can feel a phoenix inside of me
as i march alone to a different beat
slowly swallowing down my fear
i am ready for the road less traveled
suiting up for my crowing battle
this test is my own cross to bear
but i will get there

it's never easy to be chosen,
never easy to be called
standing on the front line
when the bombs start to fall
i can see the heavens
but i still feel the flames calling out my name

i can see the writing on the wall
i can't ignore this war
at the end of it all, who am i living for?

i can feel this lightness inside of me
growing fast into a bolt of lightning
i know one spark will shock the world
so i pray for favor like esther
i need your strength to handle the pressure
i know there will be sacrifice
but that's the price

it's never easy to be chosen
never easy to be called
standing on the front line
when the bombs start to fall
i can see the heavens
but i still hear the flames calling out my name

i can see the writing on the wall
i can't ignore this war
at the end of it all, who am i living for?

i can see the writing on the wall
i can't ignore this war
at the end of it all, who am i living for?

heavy is the head that wears the crown
don't let the greatness get you down
heavy is the head that wears the crown
don't let the greatness get you down

i can see the writing on the wall
i can't ignore this war
at the end of it all, who am i living for?

i can see the writing on the wall
i can't ignore this war
at the end of it all, who am i living for? Continue reading →

i miss you.
i wish what was broken could be fixed. Continue reading →

Time, Truth and Heart

says it all.... Continue reading →

a dream tha's not happening

i woke up not long ago, and there's a dream i had that's still very fresh in my mind. because of its relevance, not totally because of its content. i dreamed that i had the opportunity to find him again and to contact him. i did, and we talked. i asked him why, and his response was that it was mostly the mother of his son that convinced him it was the right thing to do. he has a son? yup. forget the deceit that would have been involved in such a transgression. it's someone else's ability to have a natural family that really fucked with my mind. i begged him to come see me. only if i'd stop being so emotional. okay. he said he'd come monday. he didn't.

i dunno.... it's the bullshit we face in society as gay men. not gay women. gay women are women. they're fine. they're acceptable. but jesus fucking christ, there's no community support, no LEGAL support, no "NATURAL" support to fucking hold two men together, no matter how much you love!!! i'm so motherfucking sick of hiding! i'm so motherfucking sick of the LAW OF OUR COUNTRY not protecting me like it does everyone else (and yet i'm still expected to pledge my alligiance?)! i'm sick of bible thumping retarded fucks who can pick up enough religion only to hate! i'm so fucking sick of bible thumping retards who can never seem to look into a goddamned motherfucking mirror! if jesus were god-like, if there were a god who gave a shit, i cannot imagine him/her/it putting up with this shit for so mother fucking long!? why the hell would you allow so much EVIL to continue in YOUR NAME?????? Continue reading →

slow goodbye

slow goodbye
by lesley roy

I can read the lines
On your face
And they're telling me
Everything I already know
Yeah
I hold you in my arms
But you're light-years away from me
Slowly sinking
Under alone
Yeah
So I act cool
On the outside
But it's eating me
Alive
Cuz when it comes to you
There's nothing I can do
I can't make you love me
When you don't
I see it in your eyes
All the compromise
I can't take another second
Slow goodbye

Sitting in the park
After dark
Smoking cigarettes
Biting on the black of my nails
Cuz all I ever wanted
Was what you took away from me
Trying to make it right
But it's too late
I'm a hopeless case
On the inside
And it's eating me
Alive

Cuz when it comes to you
There's nothing I can do
I can't make you love me
When you don't
I see it in your eyes
All the compromise
I can't take another second
Slow goodbye

I die
A million times
Every time when you
Look me in the eye
Die
Cuz I've heard it all before
The same game
Going around and around
But I still end up with nothing
But hurting

Cuz when it comes to you
There's nothing I can do
I can't make you love me
When you don't
I see it in your eyes
All the compromise
I can't take another second
Slow goodbye
Yeah
There's nothing I can do
I can't make you love me
When you don't
I see it in your eyes
All the compromise
I can't take another second
Slow goodbye
Continue reading →

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when you love someone, you talk with them, right? Continue reading →

This movie looks awesome! Continue reading →

Retards

Continue reading →

in love pussy never did fall

this is my sexy new hair. =) i'd like fall a lot more if we could go straight to spring from here. winter's a bit extreme for my tastes. i still can't believe i have a master's degree! i'm now brandon, b.a., b.s., m.s. Continue reading →

i love you, ms. pink!

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=)

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Movies

it's looking like this fall's going to be filled with great movies. check these out...

Secret Life of Bees

Doubt

Choke

Rachel Getting Married

i want to see them all. especially doubt. Continue reading →

get a life

so... i've finished my masurbator's degree! can you believe that shitz? i sent my portfolio off on monday after i found an open post office. my professor emailed me and said that she'd recieved it. i can't believe, i can't believe, i can't believe i'm so proud of me!

in the meantime, i've been playing/doing/fucking around with secondlife. there's a hot, sexy pic of me above.... aren't i fucking hot? don't you want to fuck the hell out of me? =) assuming you do the girl thing... if you don't, you probably just want to be me. i know how it goes, i know. i've heard it my entire life.

oh! and i bought myself a graduation present, too.... i fucking love it! (it's how i'm cumming to you at present.) Continue reading →

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because of you, they'll rename us chingchangHOville!!!!

you realize there's some crazy-ass shit you can find out how to do on youtube? like, so you could even learn how to brush your fucking teeth! or grow a fucking spine! or suck some mad cock! i fucking rule!

when you stop to watch, there's nobody playing truth or dare with me, and it's a cathartic exercise.

but i just wanted to say,
i don't hate you and you knew that right away...
it's fixed
and we all know you like to suck the dixed!
so go eat some papayas

once again, it's fixed, and everything in the universe is in lign. = (lign equals sign, get it?)

umm, yeah, and another question.

since we don't spell it lign, then why is it align and not aline. alike or should it be alique? oblique or obleek? leek or leak? squeak or squique?

okay, i'm going around in circles now. that gets you knowwhere or nowhere?

so you shouln't walk in circles, or you'll never get to heaven (or heven)? Continue reading →

don't you love those days when you end up doing shit you never even thought of when you woke up in the morning? Continue reading →

i hate you. i hate your fucking guts. i loathe you. i loathe your fucking guts. for all the times you've never learned from your mistakes or from the fucktards before you and around you. when you cause pain, when you allow pain, when you allow shackles, when you take aways freedoms, it all comes back on you, and you fucking name it bad luck. it's not bad luck; it's your self-inflicted destiny. if there's that god you think you believe in, there's also that satan waiting in the corner to snatch you up and fry you for your sins, for the shit you've continually allowed to prosper, for the pain you've allowed to continue. i fucking hate your goddamned motherfucking guts, and i want you to look into my eyes while you're frying and say you're goddamned fucking sorry. i hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Continue reading →

by some magic turn of the myspace wheel, i have found the blog of my first bestfriend. she and i were bestfriends in late high school and throughout most of my early days in college. hell, all my early days in college. even through all that i'm capable of seeing of her in my blog, i see remnants of the two of us.

since i've been feeling like shit because of some fucking sinus infection and other mind-numbing shit, i'm up at 4 am trying to entertain myself to sleep. but it doesn't come. i pull up her blog, and i get lost. it's like i'm catching up on years of loss. but i still hate her, and i'm pretty sure that she'd say that she still hates me. but i think that hate comes from our different ways of expressing such awesome similarities...if that makes sense.

like, she's loud with her differences. i'm soft with my differences, even if i choose to acknowledge them. but both of those reactions come from quite similar insecurities.

still, she's managed to get married, give birth to one, maybe two kids. (the second one had about arrived earlier this month, and her blog stopped there.) sounds like she has friends and acquaintances...a sense of community...of a community who's aware of her, even the her that she's hiding by being so fucking loud.

and all of this...and all of the other people i've found on myspace who were a part of my growing up...makes it extremely evident to me that i'm just not happy with where i am right now. i mean, i love my job, but i'm fucking sick of most everything else. i call this place a home, but it's not.... there's too much silence, there's too much we don't know about each other, there's too much not giving a shit, there's absolutely too goddamned motherfucking much distance between that i'm not sure can ever be recovered...or covered for the first time. and i truly don't want to find myself being 70 years old, looking back over my life, and thinking, "jesus christ, you sure made some fucked-up decisions."

there are things i've wanted for a long time, and just the fact that i've wanted them for a long time should say something of their relevance, right? but, still, i think in the back of my mind, there's this mean little guy saying what if you get those things only to find out that you don't really want them? what if the grass really is always greener on the other side of the fence?

i just want to be honest. honest me. stop letting all this little shit worrying tear me down until i'm useless with no energy left to make shit happen. i was supposed to be great. i was supposed to be somebody, but i feel like nobody on most days. the young years are behind me. the adult years are here, and i better make good use of them, not use my vantage point at the head of the pack just to turn around and watch the others catch me and pass me up like i've done in the past.

my motherfucking nose won't stop motherfucking running, and now that i've been awake all goddamned night, i have to go to school all day today for a conference which will, undoubtedly, make my year next year a funderful one! Continue reading →

it's after 11.30 pm, and most of the normal world is in bed. and this summer is something that i have been looking forward to for months, and there's nothing i can find in it. i don't want to go to bed simply because i have tried really hard today to reserve some energy stores for tonite so that i could stay up and write a paper that's been due for too long. but i want to go to bed. just for the comforts of the comfort my little family provides, proving to the world...or to myself...that there's something to hold onto. (especially when i'm a sucky student who doesn't do his work like a good little grad student.) there's something nice in it for me. i hate having feelings that contradict feelings. Continue reading →

random shitake

happy summer! i'm delighted to be reporting to you from the hemisphere that is just beginning its celebration of this wonderous season. and with only three working days left until i begin a nearly three month-long paid vacation, i am deleriously delerious!

you know what i love about homemade milkshakes? i love the part when there's just a little milk and a little ice cream left in the bottom of the cup and it tastes like a really thick, sweet sip of milk!

i need to get my horses out and bathe them and groom them and give them three kisses apiece.

here in a coupla weeks, bridgette's going to come stay with us for a few days while my parents are on vacay. i know that shelby's not looking forward to it. for she thoroughly enjoys being the youngest princess in the house!

before signing off, i just have a good piece of advice to share: don't forget to smell it before you eat it! Continue reading →

gee golly whiz!

oh, my, god! walmart sucks ass, especially late at night. you get all that trash who have their children out when they should be in bed, feeling safe, resting up for tomorrow. the cashiers are zombies, standing there, dealing with asshole customers in the middle of the night because there's no other choice. i feel disconnect. i feel down. the place behind my face hurts because my soul is void. Continue reading →

love, southern-style!

i feel so motherfucking accomplished and so goddamned close to summer! last evening i caught myself up on my school work, and i was up late. just like summer! today i've been cleaning and shit. now i just need to fucking work a little more so i don't fall behind again. the hewk and i are going to a graduation openhouse this evening.

8 days and definitely counting! Continue reading →

I'm so mother sleepy! Two weeks from today begins the final three. Then, I'll go to sleep. Continue reading →

ass fuckers

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It's Tina, Bitch!

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Planting a garden...

Good morning, all you whores and ho bags! This is Saturday, one of my favorite days for the weak, at least during my working part of the year. But in the summertime, I'm happy to say they're all just like Saturday to me! That makes me happy, and that makes you pea green with envy!

Sometimes I feel like I don't know shit, and this bothers me. Other times, I feel like a purpose has to be artificial. Purpose, by its very own nature, requires the energy of that for which it is purposeful. And sometimes a purpose seems obvious, but then I digress. Or is it regress?

I hate the smell of ass. Continue reading →

Non-Easy Silence

I don't like Sundays. Sunday means getting it all together for tomorrow. I have papers due tonite for my grad classes, lesson plans to finish, papers to grade, and other random shit around the house to do. Like, Beau and Shelby both need bathed. I'm sure there's laundry that needs doin'. And in the middle of all this, and for some fucked-up reason no one's sure of, there's no one to talk to.

Carbon Monoxide
Soon I'll go to sleep Continue reading →

find the cephie!

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Get $10 Cash!

Thank you, sweet Jesus! My wireless capabilities have been restored. I was quite shoked last evening and this morning because I couldn't get my laptop to listen to our wireless signal and put me out there on the 'net. Now, Jesus has listened to my prayers, told me to restart the modem and router, and allowed me my internet access once again. Now I can continue doing good! Continue reading →

the special two

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my recent trip to brazil

i procrastinate so fucking much! i have a paper due...two papers, in fact...and i've been doing everything to avoid working on them. i've done dishes, added water to the aquarium, played mario party, cleaned out the fridge, played with the kids.... i'm sure there's other shit in there, too. now i'm blogging about shit that really doesn't fucking matter.

this morning the message i got was just to be strong, cuz i'm going to have to do it on my own. don't we all? maybe i'm crazzy.

anyway, missy higgins is my new woman-singer-obsession. i particularly like "the special two". you should download it and shit. especially if you haven't shat in awhile.

we were the girls of the 50's
stoned rock and rollers in the 60's
and more than our names got changed as the 70's slipped on by
now we're 80's ladies
there ain't been much these ladies ain't tried

i like kt oslin, too. i think she was the first woman-singer-obsession of mine. now it's so fucking obvious that i'm trying too fucking hard not to write that paper. just write it! right? it's about using writing samples to guide instruction. blah, blah, blah.

okay. i'm going to go write. or at least find some other avoidance technique. Continue reading →

sorta hot psa

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crack whores and jesus

this weather, like, makes me fucking whet! in case you're not here with me, it's around 70 degrees and sunny. inotherwords, it's the perfect spring day! there were lots of old people sitting on their porches and in their yards as i was out driving around earlier. young people don't do that no more, but it's fucking relaxing. it makes me miss shit: 2002 wasn't a horrible year for me. Continue reading →

my new favorite word

i slept for 14 hours last night, this morning, and this afternoon, and i still don't want to move. that says a little something, if you can read into it like i want you to.

i'm thinking about switching careers. i want to be a songwriter now. i'm thinking that if i can get the first big one into the hands of someone like carnie wilson, i'll be set up for a life full of grammys.

i know i'm rare
you stop and stare
you think i care
i don't Continue reading →

Happy B-day, Moses E.!

Moses E. turns 11 today, and he doesn't look a day over 5. All the other kitties find him quite attractive, and he gets "offers" by the day. (I think it's probably all in the genes!)

You know you've officially reached adulthood when you're excited about the purchase of a new appliance! Last evening, we purchased a new dishwasher, and we'll be picking it up tomorrow. Woo hoo!!!

I've also reconnected with Marcerita Propetia, the Santa Maria! It feels great to reconnect with old friends with whom you've shared a quality relationship. There's one more person I need to pull back into my life. But then there are others that I thank my lucky socks are no longer a negative influence, pulling me down into the pits of hell. (Not that I wasn't heading there willingly.)

Okay.... I've seriously got to get bizzy. Tomorrow, it's back to the real world after a more than week-long spring break. It saddens me. A little. Did I tell you that I'm going to hopefully finish my Master's this summer, earlier than planned!? Another woo hoo!

Pardy harty! Continue reading →

smurfy

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It's Phree!

(Dear Dar,

Your mom, my friend, left a message on my machine. She was frantic, saying you were talking crazy, that you wanted to do away with yourself. I guess she thought I'd be the perfect resort, cuz we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth.)

Moses Elizabeth is being clingy today, so much that I could hardly eat our traditional breakfast witout getting a taste of tail. Not good tail, not that any tail would taste good to me. But to each his own. Jesus would want it that way. If he were still with us.

I digress.

(Buddy, I don't really care what your problem is, just don't make it mine!) There's only one thing these days that makes me happy without question. Always. But it usually makes me poop.

(I'm a chipper, cheerful free-for-all, and I light up a room!)

Of my two youngest children, I'm most like Shebsie, but I want to be most like Cephie. Cephie is a chipper, cheerful, free-for-all, and he lights up my room. He loves without restraint. He lives on his own terms. He does what he wants. He doesn't let a lot of shit get him down. Shebsie, on the otherhand, lies on her stomach, with her legs spread everytime you look at her cross-eyed. Okay, that's an exaggeration. (As if you didn't know that!) But, anyway, she does that shit whenever you offer her affection.

Can you handle me the way I'm are? Continue reading →