I just need someone to love me today. Continue reading →

I don't want to live this way. And I don't want to die this way. Continue reading →

I'm gonna lure you into the dark
My cold desire
To hear the boom, boom, boom of your heart
The danger is I'm dangerous
And I might just tear you apart

so i'm sitting here in the dark. on my bed. with my pups. whom i love with all my heart and soul. i've had some good days lately. things really seem to have turned around, but i still see things that have affected me my entire life.

my dad apparently believes that i can do nothing that's in any way, shape or form manly. this evening i got the tractor out and i was using the box scraper to tear through some brush and saplings, because the place is just fucking overgrown.

i'd done the same thing on sunday, and was quite proud of my results. i can't live with a nasty overgrown place. i have plans to make this place a nice home.

and hopefully at some point add a man who loves me. loves. me. me. because that just makes life better.

but before i get sidetracked. one of the pins came out of the box scraper, and my dad came right away, even though he'd just previously said he was sick and couldn't do anything. he said that i can't use the tractor to get rid of the brush because i'll damage a tire. we'll cut it out with a chainsaw.

my dad has never done shit. this place has always looked like shit. i mean, we're talking pieces of tin nailed between two fence posts because he was too stupid, lazy, something to do it the right way.

and there's a new sheriff in town, and i'm going to start doing shit the right way. i want to live a good life.

more about that amazing man later. i want a partner. i want it to be right this time. someone who loves me. i'm lovable.

i am. someone who wants to be with me permanently. someone who wants to make memories with me. share holidays with me. share with me. be with me. a man. a partner. a friend. a soulmate.

i have to believe he's out there, and that he also believes in a lifestyle similar to the one i want to continue living.

low-key. self-sufficient. animals. nurturing. growing. giving back. taking care of the earth.

warm. cuddly. fun to smooch. a hot fuck. all those things.

i just need him to show me that he feels i'm worthy of pursuit.

i know i am. fuck it.

i know i am.
Continue reading →

Baby, you got a bad bad mouth
Everything is poison that's coming out
Cheating, lying since the day you were born
Someone outta rinse it out with soap

Wash it out, wash it out, wash it out

No kind words are coming out of your mouth
Plenty goes in but nothing good comes out
Badmouth, sad mouth, you were an unhappy child
That doesn't make your lying tongue alright

Wash it out, wash it out, wash it out

Cos everything is poison
You'll be the unhappy one
Your lips taste of poison
You're gonna be left alone

When you told me every word you said
Came from voices talking in your head
Baby, I just think you're out for what you can get
Your badmouth has killed off everything we had

Wash it out, wash it out, wash it out

Cos everything is poison
You'll be the unhappy one
Your lips taste of poison
You'll be in the corner crying Continue reading →

i saw you yesterday

wouldn't it be awesome if every human being who ever lived was required to write a manual about how to live the best life.  i believe that'd benefit both the reader and himself.  putting things into words is definitely putting things into perspective, and i'd love to learn life lessons from others.  i'm happy with the basics of my life now.  i just need someone.  (desire, not need.)  excuse me.  someone to share it with.  like, a decent human being who also insists on the good life and on commitment.  i may work on a draft of that manual in the near future.  as i'm working on myself.  i'm working on falling in love with myself, so i'll accept only that kind of love of which i'm worthy.  Continue reading →

my goal

my goal this evening to is to continue where i left off with that last entry.  today i began a journey with a new counselor, after not seeing a counselor regularly for for about seven months now.  before meeting with her today, i began to think about my goals for this round of counseling, what i want to accomplish while on this journey together, and those goals presented themselves as obvious extensions of my present journey because i'm on a good path right now. 

i want to work on having a life-long, committed relationship.  someone to come home to.  a best friend.  a confidant.  someone to depend on.  someone to share my life with.  holidays.  anniversaries.  tragedies.  victories.  a common perception of the future.  a real, honest-to-goodness adult relationship.  joint checking account.  common assets.  a family.  our family.  that's all. 

and it's not that a relationship is the end goal.  the end goal is feeling as though i'm in the right place to attract a quality human being who just may want to begin a relationship with me that will evolve into the life-long deal. 

and in order to get there, i obviously need to focus on self-esteem, self-worth.  the last long-term relationship i was in (yes, i'm referring to nick the dick) began by my finding out that he'd been cheating just days before we moved in together.  and he'd never talk about it.  in fact, when i was upset about it, he pretty much blamed me for over-reacting, like it was somehow my fault.  my only fault is that i felt that i wasn't good enough to demand better.  my only fault was being in love with an honest-to-god loser whose only love interest was his (poofy-dyed-haired, too much make-up-wearing, loud-mouthed) mother and his (controlled by mommy and poppy) sister. 

and i have to say that i love a lot of what i have going on right now.  i'm falling in love with my home.  i'm falling in love with ME!  no, seriously.  i truly believe that a love affair is in its early stages.  just me and me.  and i do know that has to happen before anyone else can join in the picture. 

i'm making many improvements to my home, and i'm beginning to see what it can be.  i am making the improvements.  with my money.  my labor. 

and i have help, people who truly give a shit about my well-being.  i see that support system on a daily basis.  and i have no room in my life for other losers.  i see quality.  i see possibility. 

i just want that feeling of safety, of the opposite of lonely when i climb into bed at night and feel him beside me.  feel him wanting to be beside me.  common goals, conversation that arises from curiosity because we legitimately care what's going on in the other's life. 

(that is opposed to the last relationship i was in in, where he'd turn his back to me when we turned out the lights, wait until i was soundly asleep, and then go talk with various men online before falling asleep on the couch.)

totally not using parentheses here, because this is pretty fucking major.  did i fucking mention that he was a racist pig, all because he couldn't separate himself from his loud, painted, obnoxious mother?  (there was a place near his home that was somehow someday called something to the effect of n***er run, and he had no problem calling it that.  nor did his obnoxious, bitch of a mom.) 

yes, i feel still feel anger toward the motherfucking prick, and i'm not going to stifle it.  it's there, and it's organic, and i'm going to let it go.  i'm going to experience, so that it will dissipate.  he was a loser.  and i was in love with him. 

and it's been a long, long journey, but i now i know that i deserve so much better.  and i love him.  i still love him.  and so i hope that he's bettered himself, too, and that he's happy and healthy and is curing his dysfunction.  and becoming a man who contributes to the betterment of this fucked-up world.  Continue reading →

i want to find love in a best friend to whom i'm attracted and to whom i feel a sacred ever-lasting bond that will allow myself to reveal my entire to true self on a life-long basis, and i also want him to feel that he's afforded the same luxury. 

more to cum.  Continue reading →

fuck you!

facebook pisses me off, and i don't feel free to be totally me there because there are so many people watching.  what i don't love right now is all the opposition to the gay marriage movement that's going on.  i mean, if you don't support gay marriage, don't get gay married!  it really is that simple.  are people so insecure about their own sexuality and relationship with their god that they need to push their "morality" onto everyone out there?  fuck you, if you don't believe everyone on earth deserves the same rights as you!  fuck you if you're a bigoted, two-faced, fucked-up twit who thinks there are people in this world who are undeserving of the same rights you have.  fuck you, if you believe you have personal knowledge of what god wants you to do.  fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!  end of my story.  fuck you.  no.  really.  fuck you!!! Continue reading →

antitheism

just the idea that some people feel they need a book in order to know the difference between right and wrong is appalling to me. for me, the difference is quite obvious. it's the same as the difference between lightness and darkness. you get positive consequences, it's good. you get negative consequences, it's bad. and i'm not talking about your being hurt because your man done left you, and that's a bad thing for you, but a good thing for him. i'm talking the biggies. the physical pain and the life-long mental trauma. the intent is there.

like, we don't need a book to tell us what to eat. we eat the wrong things, and we become unhealthy. this is the same, really. we do the wrong things, we become unhealthy. but the bible gives us some advice in terms of food and diet. i believe it tells us not to eat shellfish. but in reality, shellfish (properly prepared) is quite healthy and has demonstrated a positive effect on our bodies. but it's still immoral. taking another's life is immoral. that's intentionally inflicting a negative chain of events on another living creature. (i totes see what i'm doing here. talking in circles. that's all.) a cow is not here for us to eat anymore than we're here for lions and tigers and bears to eat.

and what about santa claus? (i don't really miss god, but i sure miss santa claus.) isn't he one of the more recent gods created in order to gain submission? we tell our kids that santa watches over them and that he'll bring lots of great gifts to the good girls and boys, while the bad girls and boys will get nothing (or perhaps a lump of coal). same damn principle.

and i don't even deny the existence of a god. i just have no proof that one exists. and i need proof. the same way i'd need proof if someone said there's a magical fairy flying through all the blue states, shitting quarters. but if there is a god who's really a divine being, then it would look at these bibles, these books of so-called moral guidance, as the biggest indicator of morality. those who follow its words only as a means of self-reward, with no care in the world for the suffering of others, would most definitely indicate a complete and total lack of morality. too bad the "christian" culture is still running fucking rampant in these here parts.

facebook fucking annoys me. there are too many people who constantly post the religious, jesus me-me's. they make me want to fucking puke. those are obviously the ones who feel the need to prove their adherence to the scripture in order to prove they're good people, because they have reason to doubt their own goodness.

and i have a long way to go on this path of morality. there are numerous things i do, on a daily basis, that make me immoral. but i'm not going to hell. i'm simply going to die one day. and that's how i want it to be. immortal life sounds ridiculously draining. (and i totally remember thinking that as a child in a "christian" home.) to me, it'd be like constant day, constant work, constant interaction, and never sleeping. that i do not want. if it's immortality that you desire, do something to ensure your name will be on the tongues of others for thousands of years to come. like aristotle, for example.

and don't be a prick. evolve. : )

Continue reading →

hold me close like we both died, my ever-pressing suicide, my stupid fuck, my blushing bride.  today:  i'm focused upon patterns. 

he was sure that

i thought i had more to say.  and i do.  but i cannot say it.  Continue reading →

this is what makes us girls

it's looking like it may be a nice day.  it's around 50 right now.  my cousin's supposed to be here in around an hour to look at some work i'd like to accomplish.  there's plenty to do outside.  plenty to do inside.  and i believe with my new medication (increase?) that's possible.  the weather also deserves some gratitude.  so, thank you, weather.  now to brush my teeth and clean up my phace a little. 

you don't want to get this way:  famous and dumb at an early age.

have a fantatic, all my loyal readers. 

but if you don't read this, then fuck you.

because you have to show me that i'm important.

i'm unable to deduce that myself. 

just some idea fragments for your consideration.

i love you.  jesus.

i love you, jesus. 

laytah!
Continue reading →

a dream

at some point during the night, i had one of those vivid dreams that seems real.  it made me feel good.  purposeful.  part of the in-crowd.  i had a child.  and a wife (who wore a lilac-colored gown to a presentation she was doing and seemed to be quite over-dressed).  i was on my way to a presentation - at least it was something of which i was the center, the reason.  i looked in the mirror and i remember thinking that i looked great, but that nothing matched either.  (it's funny how a brief idea when you're awake can translate into something so relevant in dreamland.)  i vaguely remember making it to my engagement a little late with my son in tow, telling my wife she was over-dressed.  handing him over.  and then it just dissolved.  but it felt good.  indeed.  Continue reading →

days like these

people always ask me if i miss my mom.  on her birthday, on christmas, on mother's day.  and the answer is yes.  i miss her everyday.  every moment, if that's possible.  i just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that i'm NEVER going to see her again, talk to her again, touch her again.  i miss the ways she kept everything going.  i miss the way she always seemed to have a group of kids in the house.....

but days like today, i miss her even more.  spring is in the air.  that's a promise that nice days are about to become pretty typical, bringing with it, replenishing.  baby animals, baby cows, baby chicks.  new grass, new leaves.  green.  it means getting the garden ready to plant, getting in those cold weather crops, like lettuce and onions and radishes. 

the excitement of this time of year was in her blood, as it's in my blood.  she gave it to me.  and i'll never get to experience it with her again.  but now she's a part of nature, even more than she was before.  and i miss her today, more than ever before.  Continue reading →

the countdown begins

just two months and twenty days before his thirty-eighth birthday, he put it into words:  he could not follow the (cliched) well-traveled road that was laid out in order to give the average joe love, happiness...success.  he's not the average joe.  he's extraordinary, whether he's believed it up until now or not.  he's an extremely liberal elementary school teacher in a public school setting, a public school setting which happens to be a very small-town rural barely noticeable dot on a map of the midwest.  any way you could turn, you'd find yourself at the heart of the belt of the bible.  he's gay, in a town where marriage, a career that puts you atop the list of incomes, two kids, a home, and golf outings with the buds speak of ultimate success.  he's atheist, where everyone's christianity is their badge of valor, badge of goodness, proof that they're fighting the good fight. 

and he doesn't want to, wouldn't, wouldn't want to change his persona for all the acceptance from all the big fish in a very small, artificial pond...in all the world.  maybe, just maybe, probably maybe, probably he's who he is to break the monotony, to be an example, to be proof that there's more, there's unknown, there's still real estate to be explored. 

that day, two months and twenty days before his thirty-eighth birthday, is the day he first became determined to face in the direction of HIS destiny, his happiness, his brand of success.   

and maybe, maybe, just maybe, it doesn't automatically mean a lonely journey throughout the rest of his days. 

because, surely there are some other extraordinary souls (with penises) out and about seeking other like-minded souls (with penises). 

and he'll have no more of the kind who're in desperate love with their mommy.  Continue reading →

I hope I don't wake up tomorrow. I'm done. I find absolutely no joy in anything I do. I just want it to end. I don't want to feel anymore. I want this to be over. No one in the world gives a fuck about me. Continue reading →

Does anyone else hear the irony in a teacher yelling at her students to _________ quietly? Continue reading →

I look forward to going to bed every night. It's just to be away from the taunts and the busy and the isolation. I hope that when I die, it's inside a peaceful, yearned-for sleep like the one I'm headed for tonite, and I hope that I don't have any notion that it's coming. And when I'm gone, I'd like to be cremated, if you're sure it won't hurt. Scatter my ashes in the Atlantic, please.
Continue reading →

it's not great, but it's a great start



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Nicest Thing

I know it's fucking lame, but I wish there were just one person out there who cared enough about who I am that s/he'd put in the effort, and dig, to figure me out. 

 

I wish that you loved me;

I wish that you needed me.

 

Nicest Thing

by Kate Nash

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favorite guy
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you'd always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish we could see if we could be something

 



Continue reading →