Beau

We weren't planning on making the new family addition at least until June when I could be here all the time, but we immediately fell in love with this little guy and brought him home. He's an iddy biddy little 2 month-old Morkie, now named Beau. We love him lots, and we know that Molly's around loving the little guy, too. He's lying on my desk right now, curled up in front of the hamster cage. So fuckin' sweet! (I just took a pic, and I'm totally going to post that one as well!) By the way: Morkie = Maltese + Yorkie. =)

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it's interesting the things that can come to pass over the course of a day, things you never imagine happening today. it's been a marvelous evening. =) Continue reading →

i broke up with my therapist tonite. we weren't going anywhere. he wasn't pushing me enough. i'm going to seek out a female. i've always had an easier time with girls anyway. if it weren't for that mess between their legs, i'd be one of the world's best lovers of women. Continue reading →

back to bed

you are my sweetest downfall

i loved you first, i loved you first

beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

i have to go, i have to go

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progress

my dreams are never coming true as long as i'm with you. you've never even given any indication that you know what my dreams are.

even if any (or all) of my angst has been illogical, irrational, or completely fucked, you've never shown me that it matters to you what's going on inside my head! you've never ever indicated that you give half a fuck about working together to build a team.

i lie in bed next to you every nite and, as cliche as this phrase is, i may as well be lying next to a motherfucking stranger. there's something wrong when i lie there, searching my mind for just one person with whom i can talk truthfully while you're lying silently right there beside me.

you've never shown any physical interest in hearing me, knowing me, or building a future with me.

and surprise of all surprises, after four fucking years, i'm no more to you than a secret, childish, purposeless relationship held way more than arms' length away from everything real.

i'm tired of being with you because it's easier than making the break. i'm sick and damned tired of just accepting someone else's conclusion that i'm not worthy of being touched, being talked to, being chased after, being loved.

i don't accept your occasional scraps of affection! i'm not numbing myself down anymore just so i can live with the pain of being involved in a completely emotionless relationship when that is an absolutely fucking unacceptable way for me to life my life!

i'm not crying. i'm not attempting to change you. i'm simply saying that, since you're not offering much, my conscience is telling me that i must decline.

now is a time to move forward, to evolve, to accept progress. Continue reading →

my day, not in my own words

"you got your whole life to do something, and that's not very long
[so] why don't you give me a call when you decide you're willing to fight"

-Ani Difranco

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do'er

so, like.... you're reading the blog of an accomplished do'er. i don't know if i had mentioned the original case, but i'll give you my update anyway. i've started seeing a therapist again. it all started more than a month ago, due to symptoms that did not resemble happiness. last nite was my fourth visit, and he basically told me that i need to get off my ass and do something because just talking about it ain't doing shit. and if i didn't do something, our situation was going to end up like the previous.

so, like.... today i made an appointment with a medical doctor. yes, a medical doctor. i haven't seen one of those for a routine inspection probably since i was about in fourth grade. i didn't realize that it was going to be so fucking difficult to get inside. after waiting on hold a few times and being turned down by rude-ass receptionists whose only words were "we're not accepting new patients", i found a nice receptionist who booked me right away for an appointment early next month. it's kind of scary to think about the possibilities, but it also feels good to be taking care of me.

molly helped me see how fragile life can be. she got sick with vomiting and diarrhea the friday after christmas when we left her in her cage for a few hours. on saturday morning, she and i made an emergency trip to the vet because she just wasn't feeling any better. the vet didn't seem concerned. she just said that it was upset stomach, gave me some medication and advised me to try to get her to eat something bland. but she still wasn't getting any better, and we didn't do an emergency page for the vet because of the holiday weekend. then she woke us up screaming on tuesday (january 2) morning, and this time we paged the vet and took her in before 4 am. the vet did everything she could, but couldn't find anything wrong, just symptoms. her kidneys had basically stopped functioning and her glucose level was really low. we got a call around 5 pm that she'd passed away about a half-hour before. molly was less than 2 years old, and she had always been a healthy girl. we have no answers about the cause of her death. it scares me to think about how quickly and abruptly she left us.... it scares me to think about how quickly and abruptly anyone can leave us.

i keep thinking about getting another dog. not to replace molly, but just because i like having a dog around. i'm really leaning toward the maltese breed. we'll probably end up waiting until summer when i can be with him/her all the time. i used to think it a travesty to buy pure breed when there are so many homeless animals out there who're euthanized everyday because they don't have a home. but i'm not sure i want to risk not knowing anything about probable health issues related to genetics again. molly had to have something genetic that gave out. we want to go smaller, too. molly was really too big for apartment life but, dear god, she was loved so much! ...and she is missed so much!

keep it a secret for me because i don't want anyone to think i'm nuts, but sometimes i talk to her. and i imagine seeing her out there in doggie heaven, playing with all her new friends, enjoying herself immensely, but stopping to look over her shoulder at me to see if i really need her when i call her name. i guess i just need to focus on the fact that we really gave her an awesome life for the time she had here on earth. her life certainly could've and probably would've been a lot worse if it weren't for us. we found her as a puppy under a horse trough at my parents'. she was eaten up with fleas, and she was burning up in the hot sun.

another do i've done, as urged by my therapist, is that i've found an address and phone number for my sister. half-sister. for the longest time, i've just wanted to contact her to see if we could have some sort of brotherly-sisterly relationship. growing up, i always wanted a sibling. it just feels good to think that could come true.

i'll have to try really hard to keep this up. because it is i who is responsible for how this life turns out.

yeah. (like regina spektor) Continue reading →

R.I.P.

Molly Magoo

July, 2005 - January 2, 2007

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Goodbye 2006!

well, all that is 2006 should be banded together in a neat little stack now, filed away to be pulled out when we think of the year that has just passed forever more. i think that, for me, 2006 was a good year, a year of tremendous growth. i learned a lot about character and, with professional confirmation, i've accepted my appraisal of what a friend is not.

we celebrated last evening with an apartment full of true friends, and we laughed at plenty. now, with our souls facing forward, we're moving into the future with the best of intentions for living a life full of love to its absolute fullest. Continue reading →

Post Secret

I'm sure this is plagiarism, but these secrets could be mine. So I'm borrowing them. Later I'm hoping to write something about the old year and hope something for the new. In the meantime, here goes...

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purple people

well hey do you do judo when they surround you
a little mental yoga will they disappear
it's grim but never dubious as motives go
no matter what it takes she promises a show

thunder wishes it could be the snow
wishes it could be as loved as she can be
these gifts are here for her, for you, for me

i watch me be this other thing, i never know
if i'm marooned or where the purple people go
then lily white matricide from vicious words
it doesn't leave a scratch so therefore no one's hurt

thunder wishes it could be the show
wishes it could be as loved as she can be
these gifts are here for her, for you, for me

and on and on the nurses make it clear
just when you escape you have yourself to fear
a restaurant that never has to close
breakfast every hour it could save the world

so hey do you do judo in your finery
an angel's face is tricky to wear constantly
thunder wishes it could be the snow
wishes it could be as loved as she can be
these gifts are here for her, for you for me
la...hey yeah
for her for her. Continue reading →

how the fuck?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post. Continue reading →

what life has become...

just before i awoke this morning, i was dreaming of looking at houses on the water in savannah. i slept wonderfully after a not-so-great sleep on christmas eve, thanks to some pet issues at my mom's. i've decided.... no, i've realized that i have become more me and less my parents' child. become? i've evolved into me. next year, i'm ready to have my.... i'm ready to h.... i'm ready to do it my way. i'm thinking about having the people i love all around and doing it up the right way. not just on christmas, but every fucking day of my life.

tonite i worked on a budget for 2007, kind of looking at where my money's going to go, projecting how much money i'll have left over after everything's paid. it's nice to see, and it's great to know there's even going to be a raise in august. =)

our bed is soft tonite. my mom got me some great new white sheets and a really fluffy, plush blanket. i'm looking forward to tomorrow. Continue reading →

cutest fuckin' pic....

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Crusty

Seriously. I can't fucking wait for Christmas break. And, no, it's not just so I can sit on my ass and do as I please. It's because my soul needs some fucking time to rejuvenate. My creativity is quickly dissolving, and all my patience has bled the fuck out of my eyes. It's almost here!

We painted our new bedroom this really awesome blue color, called "Rhapsody Night", and it be real pretty. (I'll post pictures soon.) Our house has been, like, all the fuck over the place with moving shit around and moving new stuff in. And now we've started getting ready for a guest we're going to have for a few days next week. She's one of Nick's friends from high school, a teacher, and I'm excited to get to know her! =) NYE's going to be lots of fun! Full house!

So yeah. Continue reading →

Christmas Card

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destiny

imagine my utter surprise when i turned on all my children tonite, after not watching it for weeks, to find out that simone has been murdered. i'm shocked and saddened. simone was an awesome character. and just so you know, i am in mourning.

and i've said it before, but i'll say it again. myspace is a vehicle. i found new profiles for former classmates again tonite, and they took me on a journey. how the hell did they grow up and i didn't?

it's goddamned cold out there. i'm looking forward to climbing into our awesome bed and curling up with my hookie pants. =)

well.... hafta go grade some papers. laytah! Continue reading →

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My Voice...

Nick Carter is, like, such a cliche. But he can be hot in some light. He just needs to grow some hair, and he'd be almost perfect. All in all, though, the Carters are a bunch o' white trash.

The opposite. One of the kids in my class has the most amazing family of which I am completely jealous. They spend evenings reading to each other and discussing how everyone's day went. They recognize subtle changes in mood, and they help pull each other through. They're absolutely supportive. They're absolutely real. They're absolutely fucking beautiful. How horrid is it that they're my new God? I look up to them with such awe!

Why the fuck would anyone want to watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show?

I've decided that I'm going to hit the lotto, and I'm going to write that fabulous book all about a Big House.

I can't fucking stop sneezing.

How the fuck can Lindsay Lohan go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? She's, like, Lindsay Lohan...the biggest star on the planet.

Weren't those pics of Britney's stubbly poon absolutely fucking nasty?

So, yeah.... Continue reading →

More Hot Photos

Here's a pic I took with my new camera. It's the "view" from our bedroom window. Fascinating, aye?

This is our big, beautiful Christmas tree. Ain't she a doll? Continue reading →

Thoughts

Driving home, an automatic puzzle unfolded before me. My long-term thoughts of self-doubt were sucked through the ventilation system and left lying there on the highway, being pummeled by tire after tire. I know who I am, and I know who I've been. Standards are marvelous. For you, for me. The right words won't come but, when they do, I hope you take them to heart. (If they apply, of course.) Continue reading →

Pics

=) Do-dad let me take her pic. Sorta.



And here's Frog, since I haven't posted him in awhile. Continue reading →

i kinda need to p, but it's kinda like i don't want to get up.

when you want it, it goes away too fast
times you hate it, it always seems to last
just remember when you think you're free,
the crack inside your fuckin' heart is me Continue reading →

Pictures

Spaghetti Sauce, who makes it difficult to take a good pic, since she's so fucking scared of lights.


Neat, cartoonish pic of Elizabeth.


My big, gay afghan I've been crocheting... Continue reading →

i got money now

there's a boy in my class who comes from an absolutely horrible home. i know that's, sadly, not very uncommon. it's not that there's consistent physical abuse, or any physical abuse as far as i can tell. the family is just oblivious to what it's like to lead anything remotely close to a positive existence. the boy has no guidance, no structure, no discipline, no love. he has no positive role models in his family, and he spends so much time trying to get people to like him. and this usually comes out in a way that makes people completley dislike him!

today when my class came back from math, all the kids were telling me about how well he'd done in math. they kept telling him over and over that they were proud of him. i just felt so fucking good to see all my kids encouraging his good behavior and all his effort because people usually ignore the positive and focus on the negative. after all the kids had left, i was talking with the math teacher and i completely started to tear up. i was thanking her for absolutely rocking this kid's world! he so very much deserves it! everyone deserves to feel they're special and wanted. kids especially need this! it was so cool just to feel all the positive energy! we all have so much we can learn from kids! this is why i love being a teacher!

in other news.... =) i've taken up crochet. it's one of the gayest things i've ever done, but i completely love it! it's actually something i've always wanted to do. when i was really young, my mom bought me some yarn and a hook, but i couldn't really do much.... a few weeks ago, nick and i were in a hobby store and i kept toying with the idea of trying it again. with a little encouragement, i bought a book, some yarn and a hook. i played around for a bit and got the hang of it. i made a glasses case and dish towels. i'm currently working on a huge afghan. it's really cool to watch it grow.

and i have to tell you that my favorite cd at the moment is pink's i'm not dead. i love her! i love her songs! i love her messages! somewhere inside me, there's someone similar. my current favorite song from the album is "i got money now". love it, love it, love it!!!

pay it forward. Continue reading →

sigh. Continue reading →

summing it all up

way back when i was a college student, i sat with one of my education professors in her office, and we discussed students' lives. the memory that sticks with me is when she mentioned that her step-daughter, who's now an adult, has no self-esteem because her father never once in her life put her before himself.

"if you find someone who will love you for who you are, someone who'll take the good with the bad, the ups with the downs, the sadness, the joy, the insecurity with the ego, someone who'll love you, treat you good and respect you, no matter what their age, color or gender, you will have the whole world in the palm of your hand."

sometimes you just don't get what you want. the end. Continue reading →

laying blame

I would like to salute the two moms of the student who attends my small-town school in rural Ohio. I commend you because you’re brave enough to blaze the trail for those who’ll never know that, because of you, they’re living an easier version of what could have been very difficult lives. Your bravery is preventing at least one future torturesome remark from turning into a young person’s serious consideration of suicide over living a life in a biased society. I am in awe of your commitment to doing your part to make this world a better place. I just pray that I can move close to being as virtuous as you are in my lifetime.

Sometimes I hear my voice, and it’s been here—silent all these years. Continue reading →

the happy golden years

i miss this. out of all the times of my life, it's that one i miss the most. real world: new orleans is still the best one. jose gold would still be my booze of choice. skipping class, drinking until puking, and being free with my thoughts are still some of my most-preferred activities. i miss jule and marcy and all them other good folk i used to hang out with! goddammit, i don't know who the fuck i am these days! what the fuck is it with this growing up shit? these days it's not easy not to do what i'm supposed to do. Continue reading →

Fucking Fuck

"Long Way to Happy"
by Pink

One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Left my childhood behind
In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
Do you know I had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottem of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long, long, long, long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy Continue reading →

great

it's so hard to love when love was your great disappointment. Continue reading →

okay, girls. the weather's been awesome lately. fall's my new favorite season, even though winter's just around the corner.

i found two lovelies on amazon.com this morning. they're great gift ideas, if you want to buy me something for jesus's birthday, and if i haven't already bought them myself by that time. number 1. (Ha, ha, ha!) 0

9/23/2006 12:23:00 PM

This is the most fun I've had in awhile! Continue reading →

can't wait to get to heaven

i finished up can't wait to get to heaven last nite. i totally suggest it! it's a wonderful book that makes you feel all gooey inside. i think it helped me look forward to lying down in the evenings for reading time. there's no reason you'd have to read the prequel, standing inside the rainbow, first.

now i must go touch myself and stuff.

i used to be so hott. Continue reading →

the weekend

i was sooo happy just because yesterday was friday. we're at the point in the school year when the kids start being comfortable with their new teachers, and the teachers are feeling like they're getting to know their new students. the first few weeks of school are always a bit shaky because, for most of these kids, i'm the first male teacher they've ever had, so they're, like, scared of me. now they see that i'm not the dominator, things are starting to get a little more laid back in the classroom. and i appreciate it. and i've just had enough school in my life to begin appreciating the time i'm not at school.

it was a perfect early autumn afternoon when i pulled out of the parking lot at school. i drove home with my windows down, listening to some really cool music. it was quite the enjoyable experience because everything has been going wonderfully at school. and the temperature was perfect!

then i got home, and a couple things sparked some thoughtitude. but in reality, it was only one thing - small to some, i'm sure - that really burnt my biscuits.

i need to design my life so everyday, all day, ends up like the day described at the beginning of this post. =) and some choices must be made. Continue reading →

living it

today i thought i'm living my dream. for the longest time, becoming a teacher was so important to me. and now i am a teacher. and i love being a teacher. i'm proud of being a teacher. i'm proud to be an elementary teacher in the public school system.

but there's more i want to reach for. i want a home of my own. i want a child. children would be better, just because being an only child has its pitfalls. i'm going to adopt a baby girl from china. in moses's lifetime. her name's going to be evelyn elizabeth. we'll either call her evie or lizzie.

that's the direction i'm headed. Continue reading →

from under the pink

i wish tori and i were talking about the same thing.

number one is don't touch my shit when you don't have permission to do so. and you don't. so don't. and don't goddamned make it so fucking obvious.

maybe i've been a little upset about our non-evolving friendship.

you look at others as beauty without end, so why can't you do that for yourself?

i saw that i already knew that if you feel it, you need to deal with it. oprah.

it's sad that adults lie to themselves so easily.

i wish the world's population (probably especially here in the good ole USA) understood the simple fact that life ain't easy. pills don't make it easy. pills don't make you happy. you make that call, motherfucker.

they prescribe medicine so motherfucking easily because it's about money.

money equals power. that's what man-kind has been questing for since s/he first took in air.

kids are the world's future. they're not extensions of their over-bearing parents. i'm sick of parents who don't understand that fucking shit. i'm sick of parents who make excuses, not boundaries. i'm sick of parents who don't realize they're raising an individual. i'm sick of families being so goddamned tribal.

i'm sick of people who don't want something better for themselves. because it's work. and, god bless it, no one should have to work. forget the fucking fact that the world'll stop spinning if we all stop working.

i hate and i hate everything about you.

i want:

• to be encased in a plastic box with shades that are encased between the double panes.
• peace
• love
• challenge
• life
• family
• family
• family
• family

i'm disappointed at the direction this world is going.

i love and respect my new colleague because she owns her actions. she is in charge. she's the one at the helm. she chooses.

it's not some magical, ellusive chance.

i'm tired of "home" being used in a totally different context.

i'm fucking sick of "poor me". Continue reading →

Molly's Cooch

Continue reading →

mad world

i awoke this morning around the time nick got up for work, and it wasn't easy to get back to sleep. my mind kept complaining about some things other people do...or don't do. i had a hard time getting back into a good sleep.

then after i got out of bed this afternoon, i feel depressed. i feel depressed, i think, because life as i want it isn't in the foreseeable future. i want an evolving home life. i want friends around, family around. i want productive things to occupy my time. i want to take advantage of the life i have. i want to be a part of the larger community.

i'm excited for school to start, but i'm a little worried that i won't be as good as the new teacher. i'm worried that school, for me, is an excuse: it's artificial meaning; it's a substitution for a happy home.

the other new teacher really isn't new. she's finished the year last year as a long-term sub for one of the other teachers who reproduced. last year she whined about whether or not they were going to give her the full-time job. and the times i've talked to her this summer, she's complained about not being "into it". she doesn't know where to start. she doesn't know how to decorate her room. she doesn't know what to do on the first day, the first minute. like, i completely don't get it. i'm sick of her already. she keeps saying that when you have kids, blah, blah, blah, and that i don't understand because i don't have kids. last nite i came thisclose to going off on her. i told her that when she's at school, she's a teacher. when she's at home, she's a parent. and she has no.... she's retarded. she imparts no structure with her class and then she fucking cries in the teacher's lounge after school (no kidding) because her class is so fucking out of control!

i loathe people who don't reach for something better. Continue reading →

initiative

over the past nine years, i've visited here seven times. it's one of my favorite places on the face of the earth. if you've never been here, you really need to take a week and do so. get a feel for the history and the beauty that savannah holds. relax on tybee island. take a day trip or two to see the surrounding countryside.

i have a feeling this is the last time i'm going to be here for a little while. i have other places to visit. =)

all in all, though, i'm just ready to get home and get started with the new school year. i'm not bragging or anything, but i have my lesson plans for the first two weeks of school alredy completed. my room's set up and ready to go. three weeks!

anyway.... we'll have a safe trip home and hopefully make some progress once we're there. =) Continue reading →

something just walks up and smacks you in the face and it stings like fuck. it's hard and tangible evidence, confirming what you don't want to face. because it's hard, and you don't like what it says about you. you just want to go to bed or find something else to concentrate on so you can just forget about it again. Continue reading →

mad world

ok boys and girls, i have a $25 gift certificate for amazon.com and i'm trying to figger out what to buy with it. i think this could be cool, but i'm not completely sure about polly jean live. this has been on my list for awhile, but i'm not totally sure it's what i want. i love ms. dicamillo, but this has earned some bad reviews. still, i love buying books for my students. and i absolutely love fannie flagg, but $16 is a lot for a book you can get at the liberry. Maybe a few less expensive books for the classroom and one or two for myself? annie advice?

i hate the taste of tap water.
i want to go to the liberry before we leave.
in a few years, i may be an alpaca farmer.
in the words of my infamous friend, 'tina: i'm shoked! Continue reading →

advice

this is for those in the restaurant business: those who deliver food, be it to your door or to your table, should never stink. Continue reading →

when you met your best friend

i need to process some thoughts.

this isn't meant to slight anyone, but i don't feel like i have a "best friend". i have regrets concerning said topic, but they're not the regrets you'd imagine i'd have. i'm absolutely not ready to make nice, but there are missing parts to my life. lately, this feeling is constant.

i feel incompetent, inadequate, incapable.

one of the absolute best parts of my life is being a teacher. but, even there, i feel that sense of being inadequate, of not being everything to everyone. it's just not making the same return as a better-placed investment might.

a best friend, a friend, family, a partner, someone who cares about you is someone who's vested in you. parts of these people exist inside each of us who's lucky enough to experience these kinds of close relationships. when i look at those i care about, i see little pieces of myself that i've given away. i give these pieces of myself away because the giving-away part is really just the process of making an investment in life. and these investments are what keep us healthy, help us grow, help us be stronger. that process helps all parties involved to grow and to be stronger. i seriously think it has something to do with the secret to life's meaning.

life is racing at me rather quickly, and there's a rather large chunk of my life behind me. i don't want to keep moving forward without having control over what's happening. i don't want to miss the good parts, like i have for most of what's behind me.

keeping any relationship afloat is a struggle, but it's those struggles that make our relationships worth something.

yet, i'm here when this should be a long conversation in a darkened candle-lit room with one of my best friends, maybe even the best best friend. i make mistakes. but i deserve to have those affected to push me around just a little.

(too bad some people come from a long line of people who don't trust others enough to make any investment at all. [they're the most difficult to hold onto.])

so do you remember where you were when you met your best friend? Continue reading →

manorexia. i need it. Continue reading →

putting the damage on

black and red and pink are my colors, and i fucking hate what they do to each other. except that pink can change black into something like beige. beige ain't too bad sometimes, but it's been hanging on a lot lately.

according to television, life should be more interesting. i miss those short phases of my existence in which probability, not possibility, got me out of bed.

i should have appointments and i should have contacts, not hidden desires.

i hate what you're supposed to do.

boy, you still look pretty to me, but i've got a place to go. Continue reading →

the lord giveth

t: you've never been to niagra falls.
b: i have seen water. it's water; that's all.

this summer is lasting, like, really long and shit. i was all happy-ish at the beginning, telling 'em all that i was just going to sit around doing nothing all summer like the trash sent to the curb. (<--that's a metaphor. don't take it literally. real, honest, actual trash actually does something.) but now i'm bored, cuz i don't have a purpose and shit.

i've been on a fannie flagg spree as of late. we even made her macaroni and cheese for dinner yesterday. it was a little weird, though, because the recipe made me put bread crumbs on top. i think they were supposed to be sucked up in the liquid of the sauce, you know? but they weren't. so my macaroni and cheese had bread crumbs in it. it was still good, still delicious. you soo have to read a redbird christmas!

anyway, i have to address the topic of love and friendship. =)

love is acceptance, plain and simple. as the wonderful, independent human beings we all are, we all do different shit that sometimes seems really stupid to others. like for example, you suck your way through a county. that's stupid and just asking for it (AND friends actually help friends with issues). but i can accept it. (doesn't mean i have to live with it, but i can accept it.) that's love.

friendship, on the other hand, doesn't go hand-in-hand with love. frienship is a choice. friendship is giving a little just to enhance ANOTHER's (notice that i didn's say that friendship is meant to benefit only one's self) life and, consequently, getting a little something intangible for youself. like for example, taking care of someone's pet just to see that s/he has peace of mind. (notice that i didn't say you take care of someone's pet so that you can have a place to crash.) that is frienship. [sadly enough, edited for content.] (hey man, nice shot!)

and i have to bring this thought out and let it float around again for a bit: life isn't always easy. of course, it would be great if those closest to us could go through life with nothing standing in their ways. but common sense tells us that life, for everyone, presents obstacles. one of the important lessons of becoming an adult is learning to deal with those obstacles, and not letting those obstacles stop us dead in our tracks. pills don't teach us problem-solving; they lessen the side-effects of adversity. the way we learn to solve problems is growing up solving problems for ourselves, with just a little help from the adults around us. so MY answer is that i want my children to grow up with a realistic impression of what life entails. snot going to be easy; life ain't easy (like you know who). (smile.)

now i feel better that i've addressed those issues. i was trying to keep quiet, but i like myself better when i take action and speak. i shall do my best to continue to take action. in fact, i'm going to write about action in the very near future and publish my thoughts regarding action for the masses to read.

now i have to go transfer some video to my pc so that it can be published on the web. (yay!)

buh-bye! Continue reading →

old whore's diet

i'm not sure how i've suddenly become the center of all the turmoil. my purpose has always been just to help someone i care about make a positive choice to better his life. i stand by that: billy is a fucking leech who's out to get all he can get by dishonest means.

i have never controlled your brother's feelings and i never will. if he's ever been in love with me, that's his issue. the feeling has never been reciprocated. it pisses me off that billy's stirring up all this shit about me, just because he's a nasty, psychotic motherfucker who's not getting what he wants since your brother has decided not to take part in a life that doesn't have a decent soul at its helm.

my goal here is not to make you "like" me; i certainly don't have a whole lot of respect for you. my goal is to encourage you to take a look at this situation with a critical eye. your brother has certainly been misguided both in his relationship with billy as well as his relationship with myself. however, people make mistakes and he deserves forgiveness and he deserves support.

i didn't think billy was crafty enough to pull a sister in against her brother. i mean, come the fuck on, what does billy have to offer besides cheap motherfucking words!? can't you see how fucking psychotic he has become just because he doesn't have someone to take care of his basic needs? don't you think it's high-time he got a fucking job and took care of his own needs?

your partner tells you he's in love with someone else. why in THE HELL would you want to be with your partner anymore? billy's making a sad mistake yet again, that the control's outside of himself. he controls those around him, therefore he gets what he thinks he needs. it's really sad that you're not a bit more observant than what you're being, miss tracy dawn.

as for an affair between phil and myself, why? it may exist in billy's head, like so much other twisted shit, but that doesn't make it so. if phil and i wanted to be together, we could have done it before billy or nick came into the picture. seriously.... he wants to talk about cheating? i have many, many wives i could contact about relations between their husbands and billy. he wants to talk about cheating? what about billy cheating on phil just days after the two of them got together? i was there that nite at kevin's house and later when rick showed up at billy's. if billy can do it just days after they got together, i know it wasn't hard for him to continue doing it throughout their relationship. i bet he never told you any of that? the truth never has a way of showing up in his web of lies!

i'm sorry that billy's hurt. i'm sorry that phil's hurt. i'm sorry that you're hurt. i'm sorry that i'm hurt. i'm sorry that nick's hurt. but when it's a hurting game the trash is trying to play, the solution is just not to play the game. you're the one with the power to keep it in your life or get the fuck rid of it!!!

i don't expect you to respond to this. i just feel that you deserve to be informed before taking any further action. i'm not going to defend myself to you (or to anyone else) past what this post does or doesn't do. i'm not going to try to convince you anymore that your brother deserves a hell of a lot better than the scum of the earth, because he's the one who ultimately has to decide that for himself. i'm washing my hands of it all, and wishing the best for all parties involved. the sooner it's a distant memory and just a lesson learned, the better off life will be. Continue reading →

quotes

"The beaten path is the safest, but the traffic's terrible."
-Jeff Taylor

"Ask yourself: Have you been kind today? Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world."
-Annie Lennox

Continue reading →

enough said

nobody really gives a shit about your stupidity, and you choose to continue being a cancerous growth in my peripheral vision, so you'll just have to learn to deal with recognizing yourself as such on my innocent, little blog that few people read!

a few, peace-shattering explosions on your part, and you make the assumption that everything can be fixed by some bullshit phone call from your mother, and when it's only incited by another consequence that you've earned. and your mother is fucking naive enough to say that there are no hard feelings on her part, but that nobody has the right to control her two little darlings?

i think your whole fucking part of the world needs to realize that you're the ones who control the world way over there! when someone tells you that he's sick of the fucking drama and the pain and the threats coming from some worthless cesspool, and the world doesn't work the way you want it to work because you just can't have both of us in your life, it doesn't mean that the control over your life is suddenly outside of your own head. it means you have to make a motherfucking choice! unfortunately, you and your sister have always had your choices made for you, and now you just don't understand that you are liable for said choices! pills don't make the ache at decision-time go away; pills only numb the fucking pain caused by your inability to make choices!

another lesson you just have to learn is that when you're presented with two choices, one isn't always going to be shiny and wonderful while the other is dull and nasty. sometimes decisions aren't easy. you made a decision when you signed the lease to live here for a full year (even though you had ulterior motives, as always) and now that you feel uncomfortable does not mean that it's going to be okay to pick up and run. it means that we're going to have to work this out as adults to make life liveable here, together for a few more months. it means that you need to use this time to learn some lessons: look life square in the eye and be honest with yourself about what you're really after. let that color the path you choose to follow. don't pull people in with misinformation!

and please don't threaten me again, just because you're not getting what you want. i promise things will turn nastier for you than when you-know-who looks in the goddamned mirror!

the end. Continue reading →

culby

i know not too many people really care, but yesterday we got a new cage for margaret at a yard sale. here are some pictures of her checking the place out. =)

p.s. the pics are clickable onable. Continue reading →

white wedding

the quality of this image absolutely sucks, but i hope you can find it in your heart to read it. =) (click on it to open it in a new window.) Continue reading →

sick and fucking tired

some important pieces of information were inadvertently revealed to me last nite. now my perspective is almost from the other side of the fence. it really frustrates me that a certain person was keeping secrets all along, just to ensure a positive outcome on his behalf. turns out, i even fired some shots at others who were also only misinformed. a friendship i enjoyed has been killed off (though solitary blame cannot be cast for that one). i'm simply sick and fucking tired of dealing with people who can't just fucking sit down and take a good, hard, long look in the mirror.

it occurred to me this afternoon that there's nothing rational about you.

you really fucking have to get your fucking priorities together. (and then move forward.) Continue reading →

my mouth can't just stay shut!

the three of us were having a lovely evening, making the curtains you see here. then we started on placemats. unfortunately, in the middle of all this, someone pissed me the fuck off! goddammit all to hell!

okay, so i had a weak moment a few days ago. i reminisced about the good days in a friendship gone straight to hell. and now that he's played all the other cards fucktards keep giving him, he thinks he's going to play me by saying, "I do miss you and do still love you even though people say i'm crazy for it. but thats nothing unusual, people say i'm crazy anyway." wow! he sho' know how to woo a girl, don't he?

okay. so first of all, i wouldn't recommend you for a relationship with a fucking weasel, let alone someone i care about. if you really fucking cared about him, you'd concentrate on being the wonderful kind of person he deserves to have in his life, instead of fucking playing games!

and i have to wonder if all the fantastic people out there would think it "mean-spirited" of YOU when you say that you'd have no problem "decking" me? nah! you've had such a hard life, all at the hands of everyone else other than yourself. by the way, those are the kinds of fucktards who don't really have any effect on me when they say stuff like, "you're crazy for loving him." those are the kinds of fucktards who sway in the breeze, along with every little lie you utter. they aren't friends or even people who really, truly, honestly care about good things happening to people; they're the people who think life should simply be a series of uncomplicated events. i know life's not easy. i don't want my life to be easy. i want my life to matter and to be worth something. therefore, i know things are going to get complicated.

in any case i do love you, and i don't think i'm crazy for it. i love you in that i want the very best for you. i want your life to matter. i want you to know what it feels like to be paid for a job well-done. i want you to know what it feels like to OWN the knowledge that you're capable of taking care of yourself! i want you to know what it feels like to move forward in a positive direction with your own self in charge of what happens to you. i want you to understand that relationship doesn't equal manipulation. i want you to wake up with a smile on your face every day, because you're waking up in the same bed with the person who cares for you more than anyone could ever care for you: you!

and the process of getting there's not easy. it's not going to be as easy as telling lies to someone's family in hopes that they'll win him back for you. it's not going to be as easy as "not taking no for an answer." it's not going to be as easy as threatening suicide.

i really do wish the best for you. maybe someday we can be friends again when those people who think you're crazy stop telling you lies and you take charge of your own life. Continue reading →

small things that i love.

1. mose's face poofs. they're so soft and silky.
2. i love it when moses hangs out outside the bedroom door at 6 am every morning, just wanting into our room. he loves coming into our room in the morning and sleeping with whomever's still in bed.
3. being carried on the hazy, humid twighlight of an impending summer night.

Continue reading →

definition

dy·nam·ic - Characterized by continuous change, activity, or progress. Continue reading →

do you ever

miss someone you absolutely cared about, even though you've vowed to hate them for an eternity? we all do such stupid, hateful things. if you read this, i love you and i miss the old days before we became so tangled up in the stupid shit. Continue reading →

extraordinary machine

i want so fucking badly to be that teacher working through the summer when his/her other half is available to help, because it's just too much to do alone. i so fucking want to be a part of a family that works. i so fucking want mutual longing, mutual knowing, mutual caring, mutual interests. i so fucking want the bonding agent that is positive recognition/validation by society, family. i so fucking want! Continue reading →

mas

i'm watching the angelina jolie interview on cnn. i like what she's done and i like what she's doing. she's doing what we all should be doing: giving back, keeping the cycle going.

i go a little bit crazy every summer. it's a little bit because i don't have a purpose, and maybe i'm a little too unfocused and unmotivated to develop focus and motivation. that's not an excuse.

there are too many things i feel right now. i talked to my best friend from fifth grade online tonite until yahoo killed us. catching up, we talked about her kids and her husband. i felt left out. i feel left out of real life. i feel like i'm living a television show, a book, completely unworthy of reality. i'm standing just on the outside where no one can see who i really am.

per something, i keep people away by being a bitch. i want someone to have big expectations for me. i need to work on developing a person i like. Continue reading →

yes, jesus loves me

Continue reading →

pissed off

i'm fucking pissed off, and when i'm pissed off, i have a hard time just letting it go. letting it out, i think, is the best bet anyway. you can solve a few issues that way, so they'll never show their fake fucking smile up in your face again.

when i have a relationship, i've earned my right to respond however the fuck i feel i need to respond to that relationship. i had a supposed friendship with a fucking leech! he took and he took and he lied and he lied and he manipulated and he manipulated. and now if i'm a little bit pissed off about it, i have no fucking problem telling the world about it! and it's none of your goddamned business!

if YOU like the feeling of having the life sucked out of you, go for it! i'm not going to interfere! however, i will tell you: it's none of your fucking business how i deal with my anger! you're suffering under an illusion that he's your friend, when all he's ever tried to do is manipulate you so he can have his way through life paid for yet again. your problem! i stay out of the way of people who swim with low-lifes.

and it's really sad that you're not a bit more supportive of your brother who's trying to move on with his life with someone who's not out just to get anything and everything he can get! take the easy road and live with regrets!

now that your true opinion of me has surfaced, we won't have to worry about fake smiles anymore, because you're more than welcome to go straight to hell! Continue reading →

my new hero

i've been able to read a lot more since summer break came upon us, and at the end of the school year, one of my lovely students gave me a $50 gift certificate for amazon.com. everything i ordered has now arrived, and rose wilder lane is becoming my new hero.

making the best of things is a damn poor way of dealing with them. a person who starts out as a mal-nutrition child in an ozark log cabin and gets even as far as i've got, does it by raising hell about things, not by making the best of them.

-rose wilder lane

so things are getting a little less spastic, and i'm falling into the routine of doing nothing for pay. how happy that is!

phil had a male guest in his bedroom last nite, and i have to say it makes me happy to see him moving on. tonite when we were on our way out of the complex in his new car, we passed some older african-american lady who decided not to wear a bra, but to wear a skimpy little tank top instead. i made the horrendous error of looking over at her jet-shaped tits dangling down somewhere near the pavement. i died just a little.

well, i do believe that i'm going to go read me some more of that rose wilder lane and give me computer a rest. Continue reading →

i feel like taking up running. Continue reading →

Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack, I've been too long, I'm glad to be back" Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos. But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

What's Your Theme Song?

Continue reading →

classic disease

i recently read a blurb from some christian wannabe who was advocating close, honest relationships as the only sure path to sanity and self-fulfillment. this wannabe even offered prayer for those who feel they can't allow others to get close enough so that they're completely known and acknowledged. but aren't "christians" some of the most judgmental individuals on the face of the earth? to be accepted, one must live by the maniacal "christian" code of conduct. this "christian" mindset has kept millions, over the centuries, from ever attaining/maintaining sanity and self-fulfillment.

in any case, these ideas remain with me. here's what some have said on the subject:

In his book, The Broken Heart, James Lynch says, "Most of the people I deal with have at the root of their physical problems the problem of loneliness. They may well be living with someone, or indeed in a busy, bustling family atmosphere but they do not know what it is to experience a close relationship. The lonely are twice as likely to suffer physical problems as those who enjoy a warm relationship with at least one other person."

Sydney Jourard in his book, The Transparent Self, said, "Every maladjusted person is someone who has not made himself known to another human being and in consequence he does not know himself. Nor can he be himself. More than that, he struggles actively to avoid becoming known by another human being. He works ceaselessly at it day and night. And it is work!"

Selwyn Hughes wrote, "We come to know ourselves only as we know how to relate effectively to others. A person who is known in a loving, trusting relationship by at least one other human being, is rich indeed and will have little fear about facing the world."

we are one. Continue reading →

a message for you from jesus

we put up strings and cans to keep the deer out of my motherfucking tomatoes. they were doing so well, but the fuckers keep nibbling at them nite after nite. now there are a bunch of long stems poking out into thin air with nada leaf on them.

the other day i found my very first fag hag's thing on myspace.com but i'm, like, ascared to email her and stuff. she has three kids. isn't that atrocious? someone MY AGE with THREE children! i can't keep a good hag for straight men and lesbians anyway, so what's the mofo point?

i think i'm going to look her up again and email her. i used to love her a whole bunch.

is your place in heaven worth giving up these kisses? Continue reading →

january

i have to get to texas.

we've spent all afternoon cleaning the kitchen. we rearranged the cabinets, putting everything in its logical location. like, the pots and pans are beside the range. the baking shit is above and beside the range. the other shit is on the other side of the kitchen, near the refridgerator. it all makes sense now. my soul is in harmony with jesus.

yesterday i did stuff, too. i called the student loan people and got that shitake straightened-ish out. i'll feel better when certain stuff comes in the mail. i got some other stuff straightened out, too.

i had weird dreams last nite about people i don't like anymore. i'm tired. is it because i'm so fat and unhealthy? or is it because i'm slowly dying of something tragic?

i need to get started on that best-seller. but. i'd imagined summer having some quiet time to myself. but that doesn't happen.

living should be free. Continue reading →

talking it all out. (period)

like, i cannot decide if the bad habits of others constitute a reason to change the rhythm of my day. back in the old days when i lived with my parents, it used to bug the hell out of me when they did nothing. i'd get out of bed and they'd just be sitting there, staring at the walls. i'd come home from school and they'd just be sitting there, staring at the walls. i'd come to the kitchen to get a bedtime snack and they'd just be sitting there, staring at the walls. i used to blame them for my lack of movement. it's difficult to be motivated to do crap when those around you don't do anything.

i woke this morning with that nervous tension, like i needed to do something. and i do. my personality's not a sit-around-and-waste-your-life-away personality. even though i've done plenty of it. it hasn't set well on my thighs and mid-section. actually, my thighs are fine(ish). it's more or less my mid-section. and stuff. i don't like it.

like, it bugs the motherfuck out of me when people don't do the little things that need to be done but prefer, instead, to concentrate on entertaining themselves. especially when they leave the little stuff (like feeding the goddamned fish) for everyfuckingbodyelse to do! i don't understand why people have such low self-esteem that all they can concentrate on is being touched or doing some touching, no matter how deadly those touches could be. nothing gets done. we're not going anywhere that way. i don't understand how people don't want to make each day better than the last.

but i also know that focusing this goddamned much of my energy on people leaves me with not a lot for myself. is it more "wrong" in the big picture just to focus on one's self or to focus on the beings that surround?

i mean those around you make your life what it is to a large degree, right? so what's the problem? i guess my problem has been not integrating the discipline into my life, since i'm the one who's in charge of this one, miniscule part of the universe. therefore, it's my job to lift, not to bog down.

surrender, then start your engines; you'll know quite soon what my mistake was.

from above: "we're not going anywhere that way." notice the me in that sentence? therefore, it's cause for concern.

argh! argh! argh! explain it to me, ice cream assassin! Continue reading →

for a moment

the aroma of buttermilk biscuits and i'm out of here. i just want to spend some very quiet time by myself. i want to get some things accomplished. i bought bleach to clean the toilet and to kill the growth in the shower upstairs.

we're having a barbecue tomorrow. we'll all show up in our grand, green spring numbers from paris. i miss. i've missed. i'll miss.

i've started planning for next year. last week at some point i got my new grade book. i dreamed last nite that it was the first day again. i'm not so sure i'm going to be able to make it through the summer a lot like this. Continue reading →

Nothing New (Just Playing)

Continue reading →

i miss savannah. we're conditioned to not make mistakes, but i can't live that way. all i want is ______________. i love the pink. 3's the magic number. they make me feel, make me feel o-tay! transamerica is a wonderful feelm. i'm adding it to my amazon wishlist. the guy in it is so effing hott! just breathe. i got the new dixie chicks cd for my birthday. i am so proud to be supporting their voices. i also got other stuff. just so you know that i'm loved. kiss the rain. i used to think billie myers was a boy. i don't like being called a ___. it creeps me. maybe i have a ______ ________ problem. disfucktion. i need to brush my teeth. we're under the same sky. that's so deep. Continue reading →

budha-budah

we have a neighbor lady who's supposedly dying. so she takes up two parking spaces. logical, huh? well, right now she has guests, and when we just got home her fucking guests were parked in my parking spot. fucking pisses me way the fuck off!

i know, i know.... there are so many other things happening in the world that i could and should spend the energy on. but, you know.... it's the little things that make the world so fucking interesting.

only 3 days of school left! i am looking forward to summer more than chocolate.

except i do have those rules that'll make me more fashionable.

phil's weird. Continue reading →

assex

i'm not saying i regret my time with jamie, but i don't.

i wonder what it would be like to be completely honest with myself and those around me.

i'm tired, and it feels good to say it, but i'm not completely sure why. perhaps, so the discomfort is acknowledged. i, i, i.... maybe we'll never know how free it could be to be completely honest with one's self because there's so much shit to sort through that we don't know what's real and what's motherfucking fake.

i loathe the external me. i love the potential me. but i am numb. i don't know how to exterminate the external me without causing damage to the potential me.

i feel a slight pull toward annoyance when the word 'we' comes up. i think a lot of people utter the word just to prove to the world that they're lovable just because they're loved.

i'm tired. i don't feel like working toward the potential me. i made some rules for me for this summer.

• no take-out/fast food
• 30 minutes of exercise per day
• less than the equivalent to one can of pop per day

we got a new bed this weekend. it's a huge bed with a nice memory foam matress. it's the most comfortable thing ever.

oh, yeah. moses had face surgery. and when he got his stitches out, his thing bursted back open. so i had to take him back to the hospital. and they knocked him out again. then they sewed him back up. then they gave me some antibiotics.

i need to get some heartguard shitake. i need a million other things, too.

i want a hot body, a body like jamie's. except he needs a new fucking haircut.

i want to be easy to reach. Continue reading →

a good deal

"normal" isn't a virtue. it rather denotes a lack of courage. Continue reading →

equal parenth

i'm not doing my best. Continue reading →

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting Continue reading →

not ready to make nice

today's been a better day. school was fun because we weren't at. we were out and about. tomorrow's an easy day, and then we just have 4 more full weeks. i'm so going to sleep all fucking summer.

christina, nick and i went to the cemetary for a walk this evening. we took gooey with us. she's doing well these days, and she helps me get exercise. she's maturing and stuff. she actually stuck her head out the window of my car on the way home, instead of cowering on the floor, as usual.

right now i'm sitting on the patia. (think of hank hill.) wireless is neat. we have tomato plants and pepper plants and cabbage plants. i love it back here now. it smells good and it's...isolated. that's not the word i'm looking for, but you catch my drift.

there are cats everywhere, just like home. moses has a boyfriend who comes to the door to see him from time to time. nick named him steve. he has huge balls, and moses absolutely luffs them! and there used to be another cat that came around and we named her geneva because she's loud and obnoxious, like my aunt after whom she's named.

it's chilly. i'm going in da house. later, ya'll! Continue reading →

why do we need question marks.

i'm blogging. i'm depressed. i've been this way all week. it started when i felt like a purple people surrounded by all perfectly peach people. i ain't like everyone else, and i used to be proud of that one. now it. now it. now it bothers me.

and i don't want it to bother me no more. i want to be free. like butterflies. or bees. or something really wild and free. because butterflies are so fucking wild.

my life. my life. my life ain't what i want it to be and, yes, i do recognize that it is i who's running the program. i think that's starting to make it worse. i feel more and more like a failure because my life's not grand.

i was supposed to be a star. i was supposed to have stuff at my fingertips. i was supposed to be completely happy completely. all the time.

another thing is about having shite to look forward to. vacation was vacation and now it's over. i have been looking forward to summer but all it means is that i have nothing to do. and i don't like not having nothing to do. (i'm not like that trash who's no longer around.)

i just had to say that because i'm a bitch asshole. and i fucking like it. i like that about me...that i generally can say what it is that's on my fucking mind. but i want to be strong enough not to give a rat's ass about its consequences.

i need to work on that. strongness. strongivity. strongina.

i have a story to tell. i have a book to write. i have money to make. i have awards to win. why. it makes none the sense.

i think the problem is that too many (most) peple feel unloveable. we come up with compensations for that, instead of just believing that the opposite's true. we eat. we have loveless relationships. we fuck sick strangers. we buy cool cars that everyone wants. we are fashionable. our lives are wrapped up in proving to the world that we're loveable, and all we really need to do is just believe it ourselves. no one can prove it. it's inside. only i have access to my insides. only you have access to your insides. and the closest we can get to accessing another's insides is, well, you know....

i want to be happy. yeppers. and i'm not. that makes it even worse, because it's myownfault that i'm not happy.

sunday i got a taste. earlier when i was outside with the mol, i got a taste. the sunshine. the green grass. growth. that is happy. that is luff.

a wal-mart guy said to me (but plural) last week: "if you're not growing, you're dying." i squishily believe that. (because i ain't firm.)

i don't think i really know what love for another truly is. or is the problem that i don't accept the common notion of what love is. doesn't it just have to work for me. i haven't had many boundaries in my life and that's probably not a good thing, because there really are boundaries in this life. like, i can't fucking tell some parent what they need to hear because i'd lose my job and shit.

but how do i know what they need to hear. who the hell says i have all the goddamned answers.

i just want to have time spent on me. time's the most valuable thing in the whole fucking world. no one can pay you for the time you have here. you can't pay no one for the time s/he has here. i come home, i came home, and i'm sitting here buying into this complete lack of power over my life crapola. i know. i know. i know i owe myself the time. i know i have to prove to myself that i'm fucking worth the time. but knowing it and doing it are two different things. completely.

how the motherfuck do you make yourself do what you know you need to fucking do! Continue reading →

Wormsloe Entrance

Wormsloe Entrance
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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4-Wheelin' Hotties

4-Wheelin' Hotties
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Played

Played
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Savannah

Savannah
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Savannah

Savannah
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Colonial Park Cemetery

Colonial Park Cemetery
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Aloe

Aloe
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Entrance to Colonial Park Cemetary

Entrance to Colonial Park Cemetary
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Marina

Marina
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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At the Marina

At the Marina
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Creek

Creek
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Bonaventure

Bonaventure
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Bonaventure

Bonaventure
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Little Gracie at Bonaventure

Little Gracie at Bonaventure
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Bonaventure

Bonaventure
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Bonaventure

Bonaventure
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Tybee beach

Tybee beach
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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The pier on Tybee

The pier on Tybee
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Self-portrait

Self-portrait
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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Unsuspecting hot boys

Unsuspecting hot boys
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

We had dinner in the restaurant in the background. =)

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The pavillion

The pavillion
Originally uploaded by starphucker.

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swimmin' in the deep

i feel vaguely depressed. all the really big benchmarks for this school year have been, we're leaving for a week-long vacation to somewhere warm and familiar next weekend, and i don't feel satisfied. there's just something lurking out there somewhere. Continue reading →