something just walks up and smacks you in the face and it stings like fuck. it's hard and tangible evidence, confirming what you don't want to face. because it's hard, and you don't like what it says about you. you just want to go to bed or find something else to concentrate on so you can just forget about it again.

mad world

ok boys and girls, i have a $25 gift certificate for amazon.com and i'm trying to figger out what to buy with it. i think this could be cool, but i'm not completely sure about polly jean live. this has been on my list for awhile, but i'm not totally sure it's what i want. i love ms. dicamillo, but this has earned some bad reviews. still, i love buying books for my students. and i absolutely love fannie flagg, but $16 is a lot for a book you can get at the liberry. Maybe a few less expensive books for the classroom and one or two for myself? annie advice?

i hate the taste of tap water.
i want to go to the liberry before we leave.
in a few years, i may be an alpaca farmer.
in the words of my infamous friend, 'tina: i'm shoked!

advice

this is for those in the restaurant business: those who deliver food, be it to your door or to your table, should never stink.

when you met your best friend

i need to process some thoughts.

this isn't meant to slight anyone, but i don't feel like i have a "best friend". i have regrets concerning said topic, but they're not the regrets you'd imagine i'd have. i'm absolutely not ready to make nice, but there are missing parts to my life. lately, this feeling is constant.

i feel incompetent, inadequate, incapable.

one of the absolute best parts of my life is being a teacher. but, even there, i feel that sense of being inadequate, of not being everything to everyone. it's just not making the same return as a better-placed investment might.

a best friend, a friend, family, a partner, someone who cares about you is someone who's vested in you. parts of these people exist inside each of us who's lucky enough to experience these kinds of close relationships. when i look at those i care about, i see little pieces of myself that i've given away. i give these pieces of myself away because the giving-away part is really just the process of making an investment in life. and these investments are what keep us healthy, help us grow, help us be stronger. that process helps all parties involved to grow and to be stronger. i seriously think it has something to do with the secret to life's meaning.

life is racing at me rather quickly, and there's a rather large chunk of my life behind me. i don't want to keep moving forward without having control over what's happening. i don't want to miss the good parts, like i have for most of what's behind me.

keeping any relationship afloat is a struggle, but it's those struggles that make our relationships worth something.

yet, i'm here when this should be a long conversation in a darkened candle-lit room with one of my best friends, maybe even the best best friend. i make mistakes. but i deserve to have those affected to push me around just a little.

(too bad some people come from a long line of people who don't trust others enough to make any investment at all. [they're the most difficult to hold onto.])

so do you remember where you were when you met your best friend?

manorexia. i need it.

putting the damage on

black and red and pink are my colors, and i fucking hate what they do to each other. except that pink can change black into something like beige. beige ain't too bad sometimes, but it's been hanging on a lot lately.

according to television, life should be more interesting. i miss those short phases of my existence in which probability, not possibility, got me out of bed.

i should have appointments and i should have contacts, not hidden desires.

i hate what you're supposed to do.

boy, you still look pretty to me, but i've got a place to go.

the lord giveth

t: you've never been to niagra falls.
b: i have seen water. it's water; that's all.

this summer is lasting, like, really long and shit. i was all happy-ish at the beginning, telling 'em all that i was just going to sit around doing nothing all summer like the trash sent to the curb. (<--that's a metaphor. don't take it literally. real, honest, actual trash actually does something.) but now i'm bored, cuz i don't have a purpose and shit.

i've been on a fannie flagg spree as of late. we even made her macaroni and cheese for dinner yesterday. it was a little weird, though, because the recipe made me put bread crumbs on top. i think they were supposed to be sucked up in the liquid of the sauce, you know? but they weren't. so my macaroni and cheese had bread crumbs in it. it was still good, still delicious. you soo have to read a redbird christmas!

anyway, i have to address the topic of love and friendship. =)

love is acceptance, plain and simple. as the wonderful, independent human beings we all are, we all do different shit that sometimes seems really stupid to others. like for example, you suck your way through a county. that's stupid and just asking for it (AND friends actually help friends with issues). but i can accept it. (doesn't mean i have to live with it, but i can accept it.) that's love.

friendship, on the other hand, doesn't go hand-in-hand with love. frienship is a choice. friendship is giving a little just to enhance ANOTHER's (notice that i didn's say that friendship is meant to benefit only one's self) life and, consequently, getting a little something intangible for youself. like for example, taking care of someone's pet just to see that s/he has peace of mind. (notice that i didn't say you take care of someone's pet so that you can have a place to crash.) that is frienship. [sadly enough, edited for content.] (hey man, nice shot!)

and i have to bring this thought out and let it float around again for a bit: life isn't always easy. of course, it would be great if those closest to us could go through life with nothing standing in their ways. but common sense tells us that life, for everyone, presents obstacles. one of the important lessons of becoming an adult is learning to deal with those obstacles, and not letting those obstacles stop us dead in our tracks. pills don't teach us problem-solving; they lessen the side-effects of adversity. the way we learn to solve problems is growing up solving problems for ourselves, with just a little help from the adults around us. so MY answer is that i want my children to grow up with a realistic impression of what life entails. snot going to be easy; life ain't easy (like you know who). (smile.)

now i feel better that i've addressed those issues. i was trying to keep quiet, but i like myself better when i take action and speak. i shall do my best to continue to take action. in fact, i'm going to write about action in the very near future and publish my thoughts regarding action for the masses to read.

now i have to go transfer some video to my pc so that it can be published on the web. (yay!)

buh-bye!

old whore's diet

i'm not sure how i've suddenly become the center of all the turmoil. my purpose has always been just to help someone i care about make a positive choice to better his life. i stand by that: billy is a fucking leech who's out to get all he can get by dishonest means.

i have never controlled your brother's feelings and i never will. if he's ever been in love with me, that's his issue. the feeling has never been reciprocated. it pisses me off that billy's stirring up all this shit about me, just because he's a nasty, psychotic motherfucker who's not getting what he wants since your brother has decided not to take part in a life that doesn't have a decent soul at its helm.

my goal here is not to make you "like" me; i certainly don't have a whole lot of respect for you. my goal is to encourage you to take a look at this situation with a critical eye. your brother has certainly been misguided both in his relationship with billy as well as his relationship with myself. however, people make mistakes and he deserves forgiveness and he deserves support.

i didn't think billy was crafty enough to pull a sister in against her brother. i mean, come the fuck on, what does billy have to offer besides cheap motherfucking words!? can't you see how fucking psychotic he has become just because he doesn't have someone to take care of his basic needs? don't you think it's high-time he got a fucking job and took care of his own needs?

your partner tells you he's in love with someone else. why in THE HELL would you want to be with your partner anymore? billy's making a sad mistake yet again, that the control's outside of himself. he controls those around him, therefore he gets what he thinks he needs. it's really sad that you're not a bit more observant than what you're being, miss tracy dawn.

as for an affair between phil and myself, why? it may exist in billy's head, like so much other twisted shit, but that doesn't make it so. if phil and i wanted to be together, we could have done it before billy or nick came into the picture. seriously.... he wants to talk about cheating? i have many, many wives i could contact about relations between their husbands and billy. he wants to talk about cheating? what about billy cheating on phil just days after the two of them got together? i was there that nite at kevin's house and later when rick showed up at billy's. if billy can do it just days after they got together, i know it wasn't hard for him to continue doing it throughout their relationship. i bet he never told you any of that? the truth never has a way of showing up in his web of lies!

i'm sorry that billy's hurt. i'm sorry that phil's hurt. i'm sorry that you're hurt. i'm sorry that i'm hurt. i'm sorry that nick's hurt. but when it's a hurting game the trash is trying to play, the solution is just not to play the game. you're the one with the power to keep it in your life or get the fuck rid of it!!!

i don't expect you to respond to this. i just feel that you deserve to be informed before taking any further action. i'm not going to defend myself to you (or to anyone else) past what this post does or doesn't do. i'm not going to try to convince you anymore that your brother deserves a hell of a lot better than the scum of the earth, because he's the one who ultimately has to decide that for himself. i'm washing my hands of it all, and wishing the best for all parties involved. the sooner it's a distant memory and just a lesson learned, the better off life will be.

quotes

"The beaten path is the safest, but the traffic's terrible."
-Jeff Taylor

"Ask yourself: Have you been kind today? Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world."
-Annie Lennox

enough said

nobody really gives a shit about your stupidity, and you choose to continue being a cancerous growth in my peripheral vision, so you'll just have to learn to deal with recognizing yourself as such on my innocent, little blog that few people read!

a few, peace-shattering explosions on your part, and you make the assumption that everything can be fixed by some bullshit phone call from your mother, and when it's only incited by another consequence that you've earned. and your mother is fucking naive enough to say that there are no hard feelings on her part, but that nobody has the right to control her two little darlings?

i think your whole fucking part of the world needs to realize that you're the ones who control the world way over there! when someone tells you that he's sick of the fucking drama and the pain and the threats coming from some worthless cesspool, and the world doesn't work the way you want it to work because you just can't have both of us in your life, it doesn't mean that the control over your life is suddenly outside of your own head. it means you have to make a motherfucking choice! unfortunately, you and your sister have always had your choices made for you, and now you just don't understand that you are liable for said choices! pills don't make the ache at decision-time go away; pills only numb the fucking pain caused by your inability to make choices!

another lesson you just have to learn is that when you're presented with two choices, one isn't always going to be shiny and wonderful while the other is dull and nasty. sometimes decisions aren't easy. you made a decision when you signed the lease to live here for a full year (even though you had ulterior motives, as always) and now that you feel uncomfortable does not mean that it's going to be okay to pick up and run. it means that we're going to have to work this out as adults to make life liveable here, together for a few more months. it means that you need to use this time to learn some lessons: look life square in the eye and be honest with yourself about what you're really after. let that color the path you choose to follow. don't pull people in with misinformation!

and please don't threaten me again, just because you're not getting what you want. i promise things will turn nastier for you than when you-know-who looks in the goddamned mirror!

the end.

culby

i know not too many people really care, but yesterday we got a new cage for margaret at a yard sale. here are some pictures of her checking the place out. =)

p.s. the pics are clickable onable.