i love you, amy winehouse! Continue reading →

squeak

we're officially some of the gayest people ever! we just spent our saturday evening painting our bathroom, and we're most proud of the perfect stripe running across the walls near the ceiling, but not touching the ceiling. we also bought solar lights for our front "yard". nick did most of the work, but it's the thought that counts. we'll decorate your home, too, for a fee. Continue reading →

warranty

i have this big, gay urge to go antiquing.

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We got our little Beau one month ago tonite. =) Continue reading →

jesus is king

my attraction to fiction is the potential for a world i can control, but i must remember that i cannot ever control the world. the world controls me, and i must submit. Continue reading →

procrastinators unite! (tomorrow)

it's sunday, it's after 4 pm, and i have a shitload of stuff to do for school. i graded a few papers yesterday while at my mom's, but that's been it. like, i'm counting down the weeks until school's over. only 12 weeks to go. i don't know what it is this year, or this part of the year. i love, love, love being a teacher, but i'm feeling a little burned out and in need of a break. spring break's not too far away. yay!

but we didn't schedule our vacation for spring break this year, as we have for the past two years. i really miss having that to look forward to! but we do have our vacation scheduled for early june. we've already made the reservation and paid half. =) 14 weeks from yesterday is check-in day! we're staying in a four-bedroom, three-and-a-half bath, two-story home that was just built in 2005! and we're staying for a whole week! let me show you some pics....

aight. i'm gonna go get my bizzy on!

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Bathing Beau

(He really does have two eyes!)

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tyger, tyger burning bright

i'm not sure if it's spring fever, hormones, diet or that i'm off, but tonite's been really rough. earlier i was sitting in front of my computer when it slowly began to ooze over me. my mind slowed down and a desperate feeling of hopelessness overtook all that i am. tonite i realized there's something concrete that urges some people toward the edge. these feelings have caused others to jump and to flee. experiencing this alone is just wrong, and connection feels so unreachable! i don't want to be this motherfucking isolated. and it's a long motherfucking straight-up fight to be able to breathe the untainted air again. i must discover the antidote. Continue reading →

ramblings about life

maybe one gets to a heaven-like state by being good. for example, i'd think things like being non-judgemental could help a person live a better life simply by avoiding self-avoidance. self-discipline has its obvious perks, too. ...just some shit on which i'm chewing.

i don't know what i did before bojangles! i fucking love that little guy to death! when i get home and let him out of his cage, he jumps up and down on me, quietly screaming, with this cute fucking smile between the poofs of his cruella deville mustache! i love him, love him, love him! we have to start working a little harder on housebreaking, though. apparently he shat on his aunt's bathroom rug last evening.

and i have the best parents this year! there are now about three who i think will probably become life-long friends. and they're (probable) friends who are good for the long haul. they're friend material. no deep crevices they need filled, and they're not going to fill anything for me. and i feel comfortable in my own skin with these people. it's strangely intersting how i came into this community a little by accident. it's almost like fate had it in store for me all along.

i think when you hold out long enough and you look ahead long enough, the right kind of life for you will take care of itself. Continue reading →

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i keep meeting non-pious christians through school, and the doubting part of me keeps wondering if it isn't jesus trying to tell me something. Continue reading →

Goddess has a new album coming out May 1.

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addict

i can't stop playing civilization iv! my mom bought it for me last christmas. not this past christmas, but christmas 2005. i haven't been able to play it because of computer issues and when i got those issues fixed, my computer wouldn't support the graphics. this christmas i got nick call of duty 2, and he hadn't been able to play it either because of graphics issues. anway...nick bought a new graphics card last week and he ended up putting it in my computer, and now we can play our games! and since i haven't had to go to school in forever, i've been playing and playing and playing. i think once i've dominated the world, i'll be fine. i'll be able to stop then.





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no school until tuesday. =) Continue reading →

hearts and love

• i love snow days! we have two more that we're allowed to use before we have to start making them up. i say let's use 'em up this week! =)
  


• i love fannie flagg! i just finished up her last book that i hadn't read, welcome to the world, baby girl! i recommend it! it's definitely in my top three. i also love can't wait to get to heaven and a redbird christmas. of course, friend green tomatoes at the whistlestop cafe is a classic, too. yeah, i know i just listed four books while talking about my top three.
  


• i love vacation! we've started planning our vacation for this summer. unfortunately, we're probably not going to get to do much for spring break this year. nick's spring break is a week before mine and our friend, michelle, has used up all her calamity days at school, so she probably doesn't get a spring break. christina can't take vacation during spring break, not that we could get him to go with us anway. but, yeah, i'm looking forward to vacay!
  


• i frigging love beau! he's so fucking cute and cuddly and funny! we bought him a sweater, a t-shirt and a coat this weekend while we were in columbus. he's asleep on my desk again as i type. ...and moses is so pussyfied that he always runs from him, screaming when beau tries to play. moses elizabeth is certainly our little girl!

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Beau

We weren't planning on making the new family addition at least until June when I could be here all the time, but we immediately fell in love with this little guy and brought him home. He's an iddy biddy little 2 month-old Morkie, now named Beau. We love him lots, and we know that Molly's around loving the little guy, too. He's lying on my desk right now, curled up in front of the hamster cage. So fuckin' sweet! (I just took a pic, and I'm totally going to post that one as well!) By the way: Morkie = Maltese + Yorkie. =)

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it's interesting the things that can come to pass over the course of a day, things you never imagine happening today. it's been a marvelous evening. =) Continue reading →

i broke up with my therapist tonite. we weren't going anywhere. he wasn't pushing me enough. i'm going to seek out a female. i've always had an easier time with girls anyway. if it weren't for that mess between their legs, i'd be one of the world's best lovers of women. Continue reading →

back to bed

you are my sweetest downfall

i loved you first, i loved you first

beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

i have to go, i have to go

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progress

my dreams are never coming true as long as i'm with you. you've never even given any indication that you know what my dreams are.

even if any (or all) of my angst has been illogical, irrational, or completely fucked, you've never shown me that it matters to you what's going on inside my head! you've never ever indicated that you give half a fuck about working together to build a team.

i lie in bed next to you every nite and, as cliche as this phrase is, i may as well be lying next to a motherfucking stranger. there's something wrong when i lie there, searching my mind for just one person with whom i can talk truthfully while you're lying silently right there beside me.

you've never shown any physical interest in hearing me, knowing me, or building a future with me.

and surprise of all surprises, after four fucking years, i'm no more to you than a secret, childish, purposeless relationship held way more than arms' length away from everything real.

i'm tired of being with you because it's easier than making the break. i'm sick and damned tired of just accepting someone else's conclusion that i'm not worthy of being touched, being talked to, being chased after, being loved.

i don't accept your occasional scraps of affection! i'm not numbing myself down anymore just so i can live with the pain of being involved in a completely emotionless relationship when that is an absolutely fucking unacceptable way for me to life my life!

i'm not crying. i'm not attempting to change you. i'm simply saying that, since you're not offering much, my conscience is telling me that i must decline.

now is a time to move forward, to evolve, to accept progress. Continue reading →