"you got your whole life to do something, and that's not very long
[so] why don't you give me a call when you decide you're willing to fight"-Ani Difranco
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Thursday, January 11, 2007
so, like.... you're reading the blog of an accomplished do'er. i don't know if i had mentioned the original case, but i'll give you my update anyway. i've started seeing a therapist again. it all started more than a month ago, due to symptoms that did not resemble happiness. last nite was my fourth visit, and he basically told me that i need to get off my ass and do something because just talking about it ain't doing shit. and if i didn't do something, our situation was going to end up like the previous.
so, like.... today i made an appointment with a medical doctor. yes, a medical doctor. i haven't seen one of those for a routine inspection probably since i was about in fourth grade. i didn't realize that it was going to be so fucking difficult to get inside. after waiting on hold a few times and being turned down by rude-ass receptionists whose only words were "we're not accepting new patients", i found a nice receptionist who booked me right away for an appointment early next month. it's kind of scary to think about the possibilities, but it also feels good to be taking care of me.
molly helped me see how fragile life can be. she got sick with vomiting and diarrhea the friday after christmas when we left her in her cage for a few hours. on saturday morning, she and i made an emergency trip to the vet because she just wasn't feeling any better. the vet didn't seem concerned. she just said that it was upset stomach, gave me some medication and advised me to try to get her to eat something bland. but she still wasn't getting any better, and we didn't do an emergency page for the vet because of the holiday weekend. then she woke us up screaming on tuesday (january 2) morning, and this time we paged the vet and took her in before 4 am. the vet did everything she could, but couldn't find anything wrong, just symptoms. her kidneys had basically stopped functioning and her glucose level was really low. we got a call around 5 pm that she'd passed away about a half-hour before. molly was less than 2 years old, and she had always been a healthy girl. we have no answers about the cause of her death. it scares me to think about how quickly and abruptly she left us.... it scares me to think about how quickly and abruptly anyone can leave us.
i keep thinking about getting another dog. not to replace molly, but just because i like having a dog around. i'm really leaning toward the maltese breed. we'll probably end up waiting until summer when i can be with him/her all the time. i used to think it a travesty to buy pure breed when there are so many homeless animals out there who're euthanized everyday because they don't have a home. but i'm not sure i want to risk not knowing anything about probable health issues related to genetics again. molly had to have something genetic that gave out. we want to go smaller, too. molly was really too big for apartment life but, dear god, she was loved so much! ...and she is missed so much!
keep it a secret for me because i don't want anyone to think i'm nuts, but sometimes i talk to her. and i imagine seeing her out there in doggie heaven, playing with all her new friends, enjoying herself immensely, but stopping to look over her shoulder at me to see if i really need her when i call her name. i guess i just need to focus on the fact that we really gave her an awesome life for the time she had here on earth. her life certainly could've and probably would've been a lot worse if it weren't for us. we found her as a puppy under a horse trough at my parents'. she was eaten up with fleas, and she was burning up in the hot sun.
another do i've done, as urged by my therapist, is that i've found an address and phone number for my sister. half-sister. for the longest time, i've just wanted to contact her to see if we could have some sort of brotherly-sisterly relationship. growing up, i always wanted a sibling. it just feels good to think that could come true.
i'll have to try really hard to keep this up. because it is i who is responsible for how this life turns out.
yeah. (like regina spektor) Continue reading →
so, like.... today i made an appointment with a medical doctor. yes, a medical doctor. i haven't seen one of those for a routine inspection probably since i was about in fourth grade. i didn't realize that it was going to be so fucking difficult to get inside. after waiting on hold a few times and being turned down by rude-ass receptionists whose only words were "we're not accepting new patients", i found a nice receptionist who booked me right away for an appointment early next month. it's kind of scary to think about the possibilities, but it also feels good to be taking care of me.
molly helped me see how fragile life can be. she got sick with vomiting and diarrhea the friday after christmas when we left her in her cage for a few hours. on saturday morning, she and i made an emergency trip to the vet because she just wasn't feeling any better. the vet didn't seem concerned. she just said that it was upset stomach, gave me some medication and advised me to try to get her to eat something bland. but she still wasn't getting any better, and we didn't do an emergency page for the vet because of the holiday weekend. then she woke us up screaming on tuesday (january 2) morning, and this time we paged the vet and took her in before 4 am. the vet did everything she could, but couldn't find anything wrong, just symptoms. her kidneys had basically stopped functioning and her glucose level was really low. we got a call around 5 pm that she'd passed away about a half-hour before. molly was less than 2 years old, and she had always been a healthy girl. we have no answers about the cause of her death. it scares me to think about how quickly and abruptly she left us.... it scares me to think about how quickly and abruptly anyone can leave us.
i keep thinking about getting another dog. not to replace molly, but just because i like having a dog around. i'm really leaning toward the maltese breed. we'll probably end up waiting until summer when i can be with him/her all the time. i used to think it a travesty to buy pure breed when there are so many homeless animals out there who're euthanized everyday because they don't have a home. but i'm not sure i want to risk not knowing anything about probable health issues related to genetics again. molly had to have something genetic that gave out. we want to go smaller, too. molly was really too big for apartment life but, dear god, she was loved so much! ...and she is missed so much!
keep it a secret for me because i don't want anyone to think i'm nuts, but sometimes i talk to her. and i imagine seeing her out there in doggie heaven, playing with all her new friends, enjoying herself immensely, but stopping to look over her shoulder at me to see if i really need her when i call her name. i guess i just need to focus on the fact that we really gave her an awesome life for the time she had here on earth. her life certainly could've and probably would've been a lot worse if it weren't for us. we found her as a puppy under a horse trough at my parents'. she was eaten up with fleas, and she was burning up in the hot sun.
another do i've done, as urged by my therapist, is that i've found an address and phone number for my sister. half-sister. for the longest time, i've just wanted to contact her to see if we could have some sort of brotherly-sisterly relationship. growing up, i always wanted a sibling. it just feels good to think that could come true.
i'll have to try really hard to keep this up. because it is i who is responsible for how this life turns out.
yeah. (like regina spektor) Continue reading →
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Monday, January 01, 2007
well, all that is 2006 should be banded together in a neat little stack now, filed away to be pulled out when we think of the year that has just passed forever more. i think that, for me, 2006 was a good year, a year of tremendous growth. i learned a lot about character and, with professional confirmation, i've accepted my appraisal of what a friend is not.
we celebrated last evening with an apartment full of true friends, and we laughed at plenty. now, with our souls facing forward, we're moving into the future with the best of intentions for living a life full of love to its absolute fullest. Continue reading →
we celebrated last evening with an apartment full of true friends, and we laughed at plenty. now, with our souls facing forward, we're moving into the future with the best of intentions for living a life full of love to its absolute fullest. Continue reading →
Sunday, December 31, 2006
I'm sure this is plagiarism, but these secrets could be mine. So I'm borrowing them. Later I'm hoping to write something about the old year and hope something for the new. In the meantime, here goes...
Continue reading →
Friday, December 29, 2006
well hey do you do judo when they surround you
a little mental yoga will they disappear
it's grim but never dubious as motives go
no matter what it takes she promises a show
thunder wishes it could be the snow
wishes it could be as loved as she can be
these gifts are here for her, for you, for me
i watch me be this other thing, i never know
if i'm marooned or where the purple people go
then lily white matricide from vicious words
it doesn't leave a scratch so therefore no one's hurt
thunder wishes it could be the show
wishes it could be as loved as she can be
these gifts are here for her, for you, for me
and on and on the nurses make it clear
just when you escape you have yourself to fear
a restaurant that never has to close
breakfast every hour it could save the world
so hey do you do judo in your finery
an angel's face is tricky to wear constantly
thunder wishes it could be the snow
wishes it could be as loved as she can be
these gifts are here for her, for you for me
la...hey yeah
for her for her. Continue reading →
a little mental yoga will they disappear
it's grim but never dubious as motives go
no matter what it takes she promises a show
thunder wishes it could be the snow
wishes it could be as loved as she can be
these gifts are here for her, for you, for me
i watch me be this other thing, i never know
if i'm marooned or where the purple people go
then lily white matricide from vicious words
it doesn't leave a scratch so therefore no one's hurt
thunder wishes it could be the show
wishes it could be as loved as she can be
these gifts are here for her, for you, for me
and on and on the nurses make it clear
just when you escape you have yourself to fear
a restaurant that never has to close
breakfast every hour it could save the world
so hey do you do judo in your finery
an angel's face is tricky to wear constantly
thunder wishes it could be the snow
wishes it could be as loved as she can be
these gifts are here for her, for you for me
la...hey yeah
for her for her. Continue reading →
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
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Tuesday, December 26, 2006
just before i awoke this morning, i was dreaming of looking at houses on the water in savannah. i slept wonderfully after a not-so-great sleep on christmas eve, thanks to some pet issues at my mom's. i've decided.... no, i've realized that i have become more me and less my parents' child. become? i've evolved into me. next year, i'm ready to have my.... i'm ready to h.... i'm ready to do it my way. i'm thinking about having the people i love all around and doing it up the right way. not just on christmas, but every fucking day of my life.
tonite i worked on a budget for 2007, kind of looking at where my money's going to go, projecting how much money i'll have left over after everything's paid. it's nice to see, and it's great to know there's even going to be a raise in august. =)
our bed is soft tonite. my mom got me some great new white sheets and a really fluffy, plush blanket. i'm looking forward to tomorrow. Continue reading →
tonite i worked on a budget for 2007, kind of looking at where my money's going to go, projecting how much money i'll have left over after everything's paid. it's nice to see, and it's great to know there's even going to be a raise in august. =)
our bed is soft tonite. my mom got me some great new white sheets and a really fluffy, plush blanket. i'm looking forward to tomorrow. Continue reading →
Monday, December 25, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
Seriously. I can't fucking wait for Christmas break. And, no, it's not just so I can sit on my ass and do as I please. It's because my soul needs some fucking time to rejuvenate. My creativity is quickly dissolving, and all my patience has bled the fuck out of my eyes. It's almost here!
We painted our new bedroom this really awesome blue color, called "Rhapsody Night", and it be real pretty. (I'll post pictures soon.) Our house has been, like, all the fuck over the place with moving shit around and moving new stuff in. And now we've started getting ready for a guest we're going to have for a few days next week. She's one of Nick's friends from high school, a teacher, and I'm excited to get to know her! =) NYE's going to be lots of fun! Full house!
So yeah. Continue reading →
We painted our new bedroom this really awesome blue color, called "Rhapsody Night", and it be real pretty. (I'll post pictures soon.) Our house has been, like, all the fuck over the place with moving shit around and moving new stuff in. And now we've started getting ready for a guest we're going to have for a few days next week. She's one of Nick's friends from high school, a teacher, and I'm excited to get to know her! =) NYE's going to be lots of fun! Full house!
So yeah. Continue reading →
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Thursday, December 07, 2006
imagine my utter surprise when i turned on all my children tonite, after not watching it for weeks, to find out that simone has been murdered. i'm shocked and saddened. simone was an awesome character. and just so you know, i am in mourning.
and i've said it before, but i'll say it again. myspace is a vehicle. i found new profiles for former classmates again tonite, and they took me on a journey. how the hell did they grow up and i didn't?
it's goddamned cold out there. i'm looking forward to climbing into our awesome bed and curling up with my hookie pants. =)
well.... hafta go grade some papers. laytah! Continue reading →
and i've said it before, but i'll say it again. myspace is a vehicle. i found new profiles for former classmates again tonite, and they took me on a journey. how the hell did they grow up and i didn't?
it's goddamned cold out there. i'm looking forward to climbing into our awesome bed and curling up with my hookie pants. =)
well.... hafta go grade some papers. laytah! Continue reading →
Sunday, December 03, 2006
src="http://us.video.aol.com/snag/?pmmsid=1680902&autoplay=0"
scrolling="no" frameborder="0" width="320" height="372"> Continue reading →
scrolling="no" frameborder="0" width="320" height="372"> Continue reading →
Friday, December 01, 2006
Nick Carter is, like, such a cliche. But he can be hot in some light. He just needs to grow some hair, and he'd be almost perfect. All in all, though, the Carters are a bunch o' white trash.
The opposite. One of the kids in my class has the most amazing family of which I am completely jealous. They spend evenings reading to each other and discussing how everyone's day went. They recognize subtle changes in mood, and they help pull each other through. They're absolutely supportive. They're absolutely real. They're absolutely fucking beautiful. How horrid is it that they're my new God? I look up to them with such awe!
Why the fuck would anyone want to watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show?
I've decided that I'm going to hit the lotto, and I'm going to write that fabulous book all about a Big House.
I can't fucking stop sneezing.
How the fuck can Lindsay Lohan go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? She's, like, Lindsay Lohan...the biggest star on the planet.
Weren't those pics of Britney's stubbly poon absolutely fucking nasty?
So, yeah.... Continue reading →
The opposite. One of the kids in my class has the most amazing family of which I am completely jealous. They spend evenings reading to each other and discussing how everyone's day went. They recognize subtle changes in mood, and they help pull each other through. They're absolutely supportive. They're absolutely real. They're absolutely fucking beautiful. How horrid is it that they're my new God? I look up to them with such awe!
Why the fuck would anyone want to watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show?
I've decided that I'm going to hit the lotto, and I'm going to write that fabulous book all about a Big House.
I can't fucking stop sneezing.
How the fuck can Lindsay Lohan go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? She's, like, Lindsay Lohan...the biggest star on the planet.
Weren't those pics of Britney's stubbly poon absolutely fucking nasty?
So, yeah.... Continue reading →
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Here's a pic I took with my new camera. It's the "view" from our bedroom window. Fascinating, aye?
This is our big, beautiful Christmas tree. Ain't she a doll?
Continue reading →
This is our big, beautiful Christmas tree. Ain't she a doll?
Continue reading →
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Driving home, an automatic puzzle unfolded before me. My long-term thoughts of self-doubt were sucked through the ventilation system and left lying there on the highway, being pummeled by tire after tire. I know who I am, and I know who I've been. Standards are marvelous. For you, for me. The right words won't come but, when they do, I hope you take them to heart. (If they apply, of course.)
Continue reading →
Thursday, November 16, 2006
=) Do-dad let me take her pic. Sorta.
And here's Frog, since I haven't posted him in awhile.
Continue reading →
And here's Frog, since I haven't posted him in awhile.
Continue reading →
i kinda need to p, but it's kinda like i don't want to get up.
when you want it, it goes away too fast
times you hate it, it always seems to last
just remember when you think you're free,
the crack inside your fuckin' heart is me Continue reading →
when you want it, it goes away too fast
times you hate it, it always seems to last
just remember when you think you're free,
the crack inside your fuckin' heart is me Continue reading →
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Spaghetti Sauce, who makes it difficult to take a good pic, since she's so fucking scared of lights.
Neat, cartoonish pic of Elizabeth.
My big, gay afghan I've been crocheting...
Continue reading →
Neat, cartoonish pic of Elizabeth.
My big, gay afghan I've been crocheting...
Continue reading →
Thursday, November 02, 2006
there's a boy in my class who comes from an absolutely horrible home. i know that's, sadly, not very uncommon. it's not that there's consistent physical abuse, or any physical abuse as far as i can tell. the family is just oblivious to what it's like to lead anything remotely close to a positive existence. the boy has no guidance, no structure, no discipline, no love. he has no positive role models in his family, and he spends so much time trying to get people to like him. and this usually comes out in a way that makes people completley dislike him!
today when my class came back from math, all the kids were telling me about how well he'd done in math. they kept telling him over and over that they were proud of him. i just felt so fucking good to see all my kids encouraging his good behavior and all his effort because people usually ignore the positive and focus on the negative. after all the kids had left, i was talking with the math teacher and i completely started to tear up. i was thanking her for absolutely rocking this kid's world! he so very much deserves it! everyone deserves to feel they're special and wanted. kids especially need this! it was so cool just to feel all the positive energy! we all have so much we can learn from kids! this is why i love being a teacher!
in other news.... =) i've taken up crochet. it's one of the gayest things i've ever done, but i completely love it! it's actually something i've always wanted to do. when i was really young, my mom bought me some yarn and a hook, but i couldn't really do much.... a few weeks ago, nick and i were in a hobby store and i kept toying with the idea of trying it again. with a little encouragement, i bought a book, some yarn and a hook. i played around for a bit and got the hang of it. i made a glasses case and dish towels. i'm currently working on a huge afghan. it's really cool to watch it grow.
and i have to tell you that my favorite cd at the moment is pink's i'm not dead. i love her! i love her songs! i love her messages! somewhere inside me, there's someone similar. my current favorite song from the album is "i got money now". love it, love it, love it!!!
pay it forward. Continue reading →
today when my class came back from math, all the kids were telling me about how well he'd done in math. they kept telling him over and over that they were proud of him. i just felt so fucking good to see all my kids encouraging his good behavior and all his effort because people usually ignore the positive and focus on the negative. after all the kids had left, i was talking with the math teacher and i completely started to tear up. i was thanking her for absolutely rocking this kid's world! he so very much deserves it! everyone deserves to feel they're special and wanted. kids especially need this! it was so cool just to feel all the positive energy! we all have so much we can learn from kids! this is why i love being a teacher!
in other news.... =) i've taken up crochet. it's one of the gayest things i've ever done, but i completely love it! it's actually something i've always wanted to do. when i was really young, my mom bought me some yarn and a hook, but i couldn't really do much.... a few weeks ago, nick and i were in a hobby store and i kept toying with the idea of trying it again. with a little encouragement, i bought a book, some yarn and a hook. i played around for a bit and got the hang of it. i made a glasses case and dish towels. i'm currently working on a huge afghan. it's really cool to watch it grow.
and i have to tell you that my favorite cd at the moment is pink's i'm not dead. i love her! i love her songs! i love her messages! somewhere inside me, there's someone similar. my current favorite song from the album is "i got money now". love it, love it, love it!!!
pay it forward. Continue reading →
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