sigh.

summing it all up

way back when i was a college student, i sat with one of my education professors in her office, and we discussed students' lives. the memory that sticks with me is when she mentioned that her step-daughter, who's now an adult, has no self-esteem because her father never once in her life put her before himself.

"if you find someone who will love you for who you are, someone who'll take the good with the bad, the ups with the downs, the sadness, the joy, the insecurity with the ego, someone who'll love you, treat you good and respect you, no matter what their age, color or gender, you will have the whole world in the palm of your hand."

sometimes you just don't get what you want. the end.

laying blame

I would like to salute the two moms of the student who attends my small-town school in rural Ohio. I commend you because you’re brave enough to blaze the trail for those who’ll never know that, because of you, they’re living an easier version of what could have been very difficult lives. Your bravery is preventing at least one future torturesome remark from turning into a young person’s serious consideration of suicide over living a life in a biased society. I am in awe of your commitment to doing your part to make this world a better place. I just pray that I can move close to being as virtuous as you are in my lifetime.

Sometimes I hear my voice, and it’s been here—silent all these years.

the happy golden years

i miss this. out of all the times of my life, it's that one i miss the most. real world: new orleans is still the best one. jose gold would still be my booze of choice. skipping class, drinking until puking, and being free with my thoughts are still some of my most-preferred activities. i miss jule and marcy and all them other good folk i used to hang out with! goddammit, i don't know who the fuck i am these days! what the fuck is it with this growing up shit? these days it's not easy not to do what i'm supposed to do.

Fucking Fuck

"Long Way to Happy"
by Pink

One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Left my childhood behind
In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
Do you know I had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottem of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long, long, long, long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

great

it's so hard to love when love was your great disappointment.