Patron Saint of Nothing

who am i living for?

2011-03-13T16:32:00.002-04:00

i can feel a phoenix inside of me
as i march alone to a different beat
slowly swallowing down my fear
i am ready for the road less traveled
suiting up for my crowing battle
this test is my own cross to bear
but i will get there

it's never easy to be chosen,
never easy to be called
standing on the front line
when the bombs start to fall
i can see the heavens
but i still feel the flames calling out my name

i can see the writing on the wall
i can't ignore this war
at the end of it all, who am i living for?

i can feel this lightness inside of me
growing fast into a bolt of lightning
i know one spark will shock the world
so i pray for favor like esther
i need your strength to handle the pressure
i know there will be sacrifice
but that's the price

it's never easy to be chosen
never easy to be called
standing on the front line
when the bombs start to fall
i can see the heavens
but i still hear the flames calling out my name

i can see the writing on the wall
i can't ignore this war
at the end of it all, who am i living for?

i can see the writing on the wall
i can't ignore this war
at the end of it all, who am i living for?

heavy is the head that wears the crown
don't let the greatness get you down
heavy is the head that wears the crown
don't let the greatness get you down

i can see the writing on the wall
i can't ignore this war
at the end of it all, who am i living for?

i can see the writing on the wall
i can't ignore this war
at the end of it all, who am i living for?

2009-10-16T20:55:00.001-04:00

i miss you.
i wish what was broken could be fixed.

Time, Truth and Heart

2009-07-17T15:10:00.001-04:00

says it all....

a dream tha's not happening

2009-04-25T11:03:00.005-04:00

i woke up not long ago, and there's a dream i had that's still very fresh in my mind. because of its relevance, not totally because of its content. i dreamed that i had the opportunity to find him again and to contact him. i did, and we talked. i asked him why, and his response was that it was mostly the mother of his son that convinced him it was the right thing to do. he has a son? yup. forget the deceit that would have been involved in such a transgression. it's someone else's ability to have a natural family that really fucked with my mind. i begged him to come see me. only if i'd stop being so emotional. okay. he said he'd come monday. he didn't.

i dunno.... it's the bullshit we face in society as gay men. not gay women. gay women are women. they're fine. they're acceptable. but jesus fucking christ, there's no community support, no LEGAL support, no "NATURAL" support to fucking hold two men together, no matter how much you love!!! i'm so motherfucking sick of hiding! i'm so motherfucking sick of the LAW OF OUR COUNTRY not protecting me like it does everyone else (and yet i'm still expected to pledge my alligiance?)! i'm sick of bible thumping retarded fucks who can pick up enough religion only to hate! i'm so fucking sick of bible thumping retards who can never seem to look into a goddamned motherfucking mirror! if jesus were god-like, if there were a god who gave a shit, i cannot imagine him/her/it putting up with this shit for so mother fucking long!? why the hell would you allow so much EVIL to continue in YOUR NAME??????

slow goodbye

2009-03-04T22:04:00.001-05:00

slow goodbye
by lesley roy

I can read the lines
On your face
And they're telling me
Everything I already know
Yeah
I hold you in my arms
But you're light-years away from me
Slowly sinking
Under alone
Yeah
So I act cool
On the outside
But it's eating me
Alive
Cuz when it comes to you
There's nothing I can do
I can't make you love me
When you don't
I see it in your eyes
All the compromise
I can't take another second
Slow goodbye

Sitting in the park
After dark
Smoking cigarettes
Biting on the black of my nails
Cuz all I ever wanted
Was what you took away from me
Trying to make it right
But it's too late
I'm a hopeless case
On the inside
And it's eating me
Alive

Cuz when it comes to you
There's nothing I can do
I can't make you love me
When you don't
I see it in your eyes
All the compromise
I can't take another second
Slow goodbye

I die
A million times
Every time when you
Look me in the eye
Die
Cuz I've heard it all before
The same game
Going around and around
But I still end up with nothing
But hurting

Cuz when it comes to you
There's nothing I can do
I can't make you love me
When you don't
I see it in your eyes
All the compromise
I can't take another second
Slow goodbye
Yeah
There's nothing I can do
I can't make you love me
When you don't
I see it in your eyes
All the compromise
I can't take another second
Slow goodbye

2008-12-29T15:58:00.001-05:00

2008-12-23T11:35:00.001-05:00

when you love someone, you talk with them, right?

2008-12-05T18:44:00.000-05:00

This movie looks awesome!

Retards

2008-10-16T11:20:00.001-04:00

in love pussy never did fall

2008-10-11T23:01:00.002-04:00

this is my sexy new hair. =) i'd like fall a lot more if we could go straight to spring from here. winter's a bit extreme for my tastes. i still can't believe i have a master's degree! i'm now brandon, b.a., b.s., m.s.

i love you, ms. pink!

2008-10-03T06:52:00.000-04:00

=)

2008-09-28T12:07:00.001-04:00

Movies

2008-09-27T12:13:00.006-04:00

it's looking like this fall's going to be filled with great movies. check these out...

Secret Life of Bees

Doubt

Choke

Rachel Getting Married

i want to see them all. especially doubt.

get a life

2008-09-19T22:06:00.006-04:00

so... i've finished my masurbator's degree! can you believe that shitz? i sent my portfolio off on monday after i found an open post office. my professor emailed me and said that she'd recieved it. i can't believe, i can't believe, i can't believe i'm so proud of me!

in the meantime, i've been playing/doing/fucking around with secondlife. there's a hot, sexy pic of me above.... aren't i fucking hot? don't you want to fuck the hell out of me? =) assuming you do the girl thing... if you don't, you probably just want to be me. i know how it goes, i know. i've heard it my entire life.

oh! and i bought myself a graduation present, too.... i fucking love it! (it's how i'm cumming to you at present.)

2008-07-14T13:11:00.000-04:00

2008-07-12T22:59:00.001-04:00

2008-07-05T21:58:00.000-04:00

because of you, they'll rename us chingchangHOville!!!!

2008-07-03T15:38:00.003-04:00

you realize there's some crazy-ass shit you can find out how to do on youtube? like, so you could even learn how to brush your fucking teeth! or grow a fucking spine! or suck some mad cock! i fucking rule!

when you stop to watch, there's nobody playing truth or dare with me, and it's a cathartic exercise.

but i just wanted to say,
i don't hate you and you knew that right away...
it's fixed
and we all know you like to suck the dixed!
so go eat some papayas

once again, it's fixed, and everything in the universe is in lign. = (lign equals sign, get it?)

umm, yeah, and another question.

since we don't spell it lign, then why is it align and not aline. alike or should it be alique? oblique or obleek? leek or leak? squeak or squique?

okay, i'm going around in circles now. that gets you knowwhere or nowhere?

so you shouln't walk in circles, or you'll never get to heaven (or heven)?

2008-07-02T19:04:00.001-04:00

don't you love those days when you end up doing shit you never even thought of when you woke up in the morning?

2008-06-29T14:33:00.002-04:00

i hate you. i hate your fucking guts. i loathe you. i loathe your fucking guts. for all the times you've never learned from your mistakes or from the fucktards before you and around you. when you cause pain, when you allow pain, when you allow shackles, when you take aways freedoms, it all comes back on you, and you fucking name it bad luck. it's not bad luck; it's your self-inflicted destiny. if there's that god you think you believe in, there's also that satan waiting in the corner to snatch you up and fry you for your sins, for the shit you've continually allowed to prosper, for the pain you've allowed to continue. i fucking hate your goddamned motherfucking guts, and i want you to look into my eyes while you're frying and say you're goddamned fucking sorry. i hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-06-12T04:01:00.003-04:00

by some magic turn of the myspace wheel, i have found the blog of my first bestfriend. she and i were bestfriends in late high school and throughout most of my early days in college. hell, all my early days in college. even through all that i'm capable of seeing of her in my blog, i see remnants of the two of us.

since i've been feeling like shit because of some fucking sinus infection and other mind-numbing shit, i'm up at 4 am trying to entertain myself to sleep. but it doesn't come. i pull up her blog, and i get lost. it's like i'm catching up on years of loss. but i still hate her, and i'm pretty sure that she'd say that she still hates me. but i think that hate comes from our different ways of expressing such awesome similarities...if that makes sense.

like, she's loud with her differences. i'm soft with my differences, even if i choose to acknowledge them. but both of those reactions come from quite similar insecurities.

still, she's managed to get married, give birth to one, maybe two kids. (the second one had about arrived earlier this month, and her blog stopped there.) sounds like she has friends and acquaintances...a sense of community...of a community who's aware of her, even the her that she's hiding by being so fucking loud.

and all of this...and all of the other people i've found on myspace who were a part of my growing up...makes it extremely evident to me that i'm just not happy with where i am right now. i mean, i love my job, but i'm fucking sick of most everything else. i call this place a home, but it's not.... there's too much silence, there's too much we don't know about each other, there's too much not giving a shit, there's absolutely too goddamned motherfucking much distance between that i'm not sure can ever be recovered...or covered for the first time. and i truly don't want to find myself being 70 years old, looking back over my life, and thinking, "jesus christ, you sure made some fucked-up decisions."

there are things i've wanted for a long time, and just the fact that i've wanted them for a long time should say something of their relevance, right? but, still, i think in the back of my mind, there's this mean little guy saying what if you get those things only to find out that you don't really want them? what if the grass really is always greener on the other side of the fence?

i just want to be honest. honest me. stop letting all this little shit worrying tear me down until i'm useless with no energy left to make shit happen. i was supposed to be great. i was supposed to be somebody, but i feel like nobody on most days. the young years are behind me. the adult years are here, and i better make good use of them, not use my vantage point at the head of the pack just to turn around and watch the others catch me and pass me up like i've done in the past.

my motherfucking nose won't stop motherfucking running, and now that i've been awake all goddamned night, i have to go to school all day today for a conference which will, undoubtedly, make my year next year a funderful one!

2008-06-10T23:31:00.002-04:00

it's after 11.30 pm, and most of the normal world is in bed. and this summer is something that i have been looking forward to for months, and there's nothing i can find in it. i don't want to go to bed simply because i have tried really hard today to reserve some energy stores for tonite so that i could stay up and write a paper that's been due for too long. but i want to go to bed. just for the comforts of the comfort my little family provides, proving to the world...or to myself...that there's something to hold onto. (especially when i'm a sucky student who doesn't do his work like a good little grad student.) there's something nice in it for me. i hate having feelings that contradict feelings.

random shitake

2008-05-24T16:52:00.004-04:00

happy summer! i'm delighted to be reporting to you from the hemisphere that is just beginning its celebration of this wonderous season. and with only three working days left until i begin a nearly three month-long paid vacation, i am deleriously delerious!

you know what i love about homemade milkshakes? i love the part when there's just a little milk and a little ice cream left in the bottom of the cup and it tastes like a really thick, sweet sip of milk!

i need to get my horses out and bathe them and groom them and give them three kisses apiece.

here in a coupla weeks, bridgette's going to come stay with us for a few days while my parents are on vacay. i know that shelby's not looking forward to it. for she thoroughly enjoys being the youngest princess in the house!

before signing off, i just have a good piece of advice to share: don't forget to smell it before you eat it!

gee golly whiz!

2008-05-18T22:33:00.002-04:00

oh, my, god! walmart sucks ass, especially late at night. you get all that trash who have their children out when they should be in bed, feeling safe, resting up for tomorrow. the cashiers are zombies, standing there, dealing with asshole customers in the middle of the night because there's no other choice. i feel disconnect. i feel down. the place behind my face hurts because my soul is void.

love, southern-style!

2008-05-17T13:53:00.002-04:00

i feel so motherfucking accomplished and so goddamned close to summer! last evening i caught myself up on my school work, and i was up late. just like summer! today i've been cleaning and shit. now i just need to fucking work a little more so i don't fall behind again. the hewk and i are going to a graduation openhouse this evening.

8 days and definitely counting!

2008-05-13T06:24:00.001-04:00

I'm so mother sleepy! Two weeks from today begins the final three. Then, I'll go to sleep.

ass fuckers

2008-05-10T13:02:00.001-04:00

It's Tina, Bitch!

2008-05-10T11:05:00.001-04:00

Planting a garden...

2008-05-10T10:45:00.002-04:00

Good morning, all you whores and ho bags! This is Saturday, one of my favorite days for the weak, at least during my working part of the year. But in the summertime, I'm happy to say they're all just like Saturday to me! That makes me happy, and that makes you pea green with envy!

Sometimes I feel like I don't know shit, and this bothers me. Other times, I feel like a purpose has to be artificial. Purpose, by its very own nature, requires the energy of that for which it is purposeful. And sometimes a purpose seems obvious, but then I digress. Or is it regress?

I hate the smell of ass.

Non-Easy Silence

2008-05-04T10:50:00.002-04:00

I don't like Sundays. Sunday means getting it all together for tomorrow. I have papers due tonite for my grad classes, lesson plans to finish, papers to grade, and other random shit around the house to do. Like, Beau and Shelby both need bathed. I'm sure there's laundry that needs doin'. And in the middle of all this, and for some fucked-up reason no one's sure of, there's no one to talk to.

Carbon Monoxide
Soon I'll go to sleep

find the cephie!

2008-04-19T16:16:00.001-04:00

Get $10 Cash!

2008-04-19T14:52:00.001-04:00

Thank you, sweet Jesus! My wireless capabilities have been restored. I was quite shoked last evening and this morning because I couldn't get my laptop to listen to our wireless signal and put me out there on the 'net. Now, Jesus has listened to my prayers, told me to restart the modem and router, and allowed me my internet access once again. Now I can continue doing good!

the special two

2008-04-14T18:43:00.000-04:00

my recent trip to brazil

2008-04-14T18:32:00.003-04:00

i procrastinate so fucking much! i have a paper due...two papers, in fact...and i've been doing everything to avoid working on them. i've done dishes, added water to the aquarium, played mario party, cleaned out the fridge, played with the kids.... i'm sure there's other shit in there, too. now i'm blogging about shit that really doesn't fucking matter.

this morning the message i got was just to be strong, cuz i'm going to have to do it on my own. don't we all? maybe i'm crazzy.

anyway, missy higgins is my new woman-singer-obsession. i particularly like "the special two". you should download it and shit. especially if you haven't shat in awhile.

we were the girls of the 50's
stoned rock and rollers in the 60's
and more than our names got changed as the 70's slipped on by
now we're 80's ladies
there ain't been much these ladies ain't tried

i like kt oslin, too. i think she was the first woman-singer-obsession of mine. now it's so fucking obvious that i'm trying too fucking hard not to write that paper. just write it! right? it's about using writing samples to guide instruction. blah, blah, blah.

okay. i'm going to go write. or at least find some other avoidance technique.

sorta hot psa

2008-04-13T11:47:00.001-04:00

crack whores and jesus

2008-04-07T19:41:00.004-04:00

this weather, like, makes me fucking whet! in case you're not here with me, it's around 70 degrees and sunny. inotherwords, it's the perfect spring day! there were lots of old people sitting on their porches and in their yards as i was out driving around earlier. young people don't do that no more, but it's fucking relaxing. it makes me miss shit: 2002 wasn't a horrible year for me.

my new favorite word

2008-04-06T13:46:00.002-04:00

i slept for 14 hours last night, this morning, and this afternoon, and i still don't want to move. that says a little something, if you can read into it like i want you to.

i'm thinking about switching careers. i want to be a songwriter now. i'm thinking that if i can get the first big one into the hands of someone like carnie wilson, i'll be set up for a life full of grammys.

i know i'm rare
you stop and stare
you think i care
i don't

Happy B-day, Moses E.!

2008-03-30T13:44:00.005-04:00

Moses E. turns 11 today, and he doesn't look a day over 5. All the other kitties find him quite attractive, and he gets "offers" by the day. (I think it's probably all in the genes!)

You know you've officially reached adulthood when you're excited about the purchase of a new appliance! Last evening, we purchased a new dishwasher, and we'll be picking it up tomorrow. Woo hoo!!!

I've also reconnected with Marcerita Propetia, the Santa Maria! It feels great to reconnect with old friends with whom you've shared a quality relationship. There's one more person I need to pull back into my life. But then there are others that I thank my lucky socks are no longer a negative influence, pulling me down into the pits of hell. (Not that I wasn't heading there willingly.)

Okay.... I've seriously got to get bizzy. Tomorrow, it's back to the real world after a more than week-long spring break. It saddens me. A little. Did I tell you that I'm going to hopefully finish my Master's this summer, earlier than planned!? Another woo hoo!

Pardy harty!

smurfy

2008-03-15T18:17:00.001-04:00

It's Phree!

2008-02-17T11:26:00.002-05:00

(Dear Dar,

Your mom, my friend, left a message on my machine. She was frantic, saying you were talking crazy, that you wanted to do away with yourself. I guess she thought I'd be the perfect resort, cuz we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth.)

Moses Elizabeth is being clingy today, so much that I could hardly eat our traditional breakfast witout getting a taste of tail. Not good tail, not that any tail would taste good to me. But to each his own. Jesus would want it that way. If he were still with us.

I digress.

(Buddy, I don't really care what your problem is, just don't make it mine!) There's only one thing these days that makes me happy without question. Always. But it usually makes me poop.

(I'm a chipper, cheerful free-for-all, and I light up a room!)

Of my two youngest children, I'm most like Shebsie, but I want to be most like Cephie. Cephie is a chipper, cheerful, free-for-all, and he lights up my room. He loves without restraint. He lives on his own terms. He does what he wants. He doesn't let a lot of shit get him down. Shebsie, on the otherhand, lies on her stomach, with her legs spread everytime you look at her cross-eyed. Okay, that's an exaggeration. (As if you didn't know that!) But, anyway, she does that shit whenever you offer her affection.

Can you handle me the way I'm are?

the best tv show ever made...

2007-10-28T11:37:00.000-04:00

jesus is coming

2007-10-20T11:08:00.000-04:00

hey, girls! jesus keeps trying to get me to post some shit here, but i always seem to find alternatives. it's not because there're people out there dying to read what i write, or it's not that what i write is dripping with brilliance or anything of that nature. it's just that some stuff needs to make it out of me so i can make some room for some new stuffs.

thematic-me has been pondering my ancestors a lot recently. like, i want to know more about their lives. what they did everyday. how they felt. what were their passions. what were their relationships with one another like? and i realize there's not that many people left who can answer my questinos. perhaps, there's no one left. there's no one alive that i know of who knew of my great-great grandma's relationship with her mom. i'm assuming it was close-ish, because she died in my great-great grandma's home.

and i want to know about my great-grandma. i want to know if that's where it started, because it seems like a probable source to me, but i don't want to not give her credit where credit is due.

then on the other side, what was life like in the hills of kentucky a hundred years ago? my paternal grandma was a wee baby then. she was maybe the third or fourth child born to my great-grandparents. i want to know these things. these things are a part of my story. a part of the make-up of me.

i'm also reading a really awesome book that i highly recommend, even though most of you have already read it because it's been out and about for ten years. i never catch on to good books until they've been around for a good little bit and everyone else test drives them for me. the book, by the way, is midwives. my dad's paternal grandmother, i understand, was a midwife back in the day. i know that's a whole other story, though.

cephie's b-day is coming up next month. i think we're going to have a part-ay with all his little friends eating "cake" while wearing beautiful cone-shaped hats. yeah.

i want to get myself one of them there digital camcorders because i want to make me some films. not dirty ones, though. but that could be fun. i just want to do fun stuff with jesus and stuff. sometimes i can be so weird.

two of my very good friends are coming to my house today at 2. we're going to do stuff and stuff. then we're going to go do other stuff. then we may go out to eat when my hewkie bear gets off work. sigh.

2007-10-07T11:38:00.000-04:00

we headed out last night really just to go grocery shopping and to buy a few other necessities. we ended up all over town, shopping for clothes and other things as well. i bought a micro-seude comforter for our bed just because it felt really nice, and just because i wanted to splurge just a little. nick bought new sheets to go with. they're 500 thread count and blessed by jesus himself. they just make me want to lie in bed all day. they're that fucking awesome!

i think that's it. i was going to tell you about how i was so fucking tired yesterday, i couldn't seem to do shit. but that's all passed now, and i have to do stuff today. i have lots of stuff that has to be done today. for schools. and shit.

chinese food review

2007-09-18T19:09:00.000-04:00

evenings i'm always so tired from making it through the day. it's more draining to deal with the adults than it is to deal with the kids. in fact, the worst of kids always gives a little more than he takes. you can't say that of most adults.

anyway, the new school year is off to a pretty nice start. this year, i'm doing something different with writing. i went to a workshop that showed me the probable value in just getting the kids to write everyday, while "toying" with different aspects of the writing process. that should carry over to my own writing, which i do very little of these days.

i'm thinking again about discipline...about "toying" with different aspects of writing everyday...about exercising everyday. i'm sure that beau wouldn't complain too much about a trip to the cemetary every evening.

that'd help with the exhaustion-thing, too, i'm sure. my newish christian friend keeps telling me about approval addiction, but who the fuck doesn't have a goddamned, mutherfucking addiction to approval? ain't it almost a natural part of who we are? afterall, what the fuck happens to babies that don't receive approval? they fucking die! i'm not sure.

i feel some relevance in it, but i'm too tired to explore. let's explore excuses then. excuses to live, to breathe, to fuck, to eat, to rest, to drive, to teach, to be fucked, don't we all have excuses?

and prejudices. i cannot hate patricia heaton because she's such a motherfucking conservative piece of shit, can i? what the motherfuck does it do to enhance my life or the life of others?

i think i'm going to buy rosi o's new book when it comes out on october 2. i should be richish by then anyway. then i can afford shelby. and my new car. not really. my plan is also to become a bit more of a responsible adult anyway. responsible adults save for rainy days. and snowy days. and non-perfect days.

shelby had vagina surgery last tuesday. i meant to tell you that, but i was too lazy. or too tired. or too full of excuses. her stitches come out next tuesday. she's cute as fuck. beau got his mustache removed, and he's being annoying right now. he keeps barking out the window and stuff.

i need a new book to read. i need to locate my mother effing i pod. well. i need to go participate.

chow. or ciao. or fuck off. or whatever gets you off.

sad news

2007-08-26T11:50:00.000-04:00

one of my best friends just called me about a student i have this year. his mom was killed in a car accident yesterday evening. i can't even fathom what that has to be like for a fourth-grader. i feel so heavy with thinking and emotion...

recommended!

2007-08-15T21:20:00.000-04:00

i highly recommend the movie, hairspray! we saw it this past weekend, and i have to say that it's the best movie i've seen in a really long time! yes, i said the best! we were a little leary about the remake of a classic, but the new version takes nothing away from the old, and it stands quite nicely on its own two feet! the casting was perfect: michelle pfeiffer and queen latifah were FIERCE! zac efron was DREAMY! john travolta was PHENOMENAL! nikki blonsky was PERFECT! ...and it was great to see a big portion of the original cast make cameos...even john waters! go see it! now!

2007-08-12T11:55:00.000-04:00

2007-07-15T20:55:00.001-04:00

R.I.P.

ZCF

April 15, 1937 - July 15, 2007

2007-07-15T00:25:00.001-04:00

I think we choose peace. In the middle of hell, we can still feel peace, if we choose to do so. And we try really hard. That's all. For now. =)

Rehab

2007-07-09T03:57:00.001-04:00

mylastname

2007-07-09T02:54:00.000-04:00

Today—yesterday, really—has been an interesting day.

I found out that mylastname should not be my last name. I'm pretty sure that it should be Johnson, instead. I think I may have mentioned that I've really gotten into genealogy this summer? Well, it turns out that one of my great-grandmothers really liked the wang. She had kids by AT LEAST four different men! ...And this was between 1900 and about 1918. I probably shouldn't make her out to be such a trollop since I never knew the woman. I'm sure that she had her reasons, though—as most people do.

Here's the story, in case you're interested: Around 1900, she married a guy name Elihu mylastname, and they had a daughter. (My great-grandmother was only 16 at this time.) They were divorced, and Elihu had married another child (who was only 13 and pregnant at the time of marriage) around 1905. My great-grandmother then kept her married name until she married again around 1915. In the meantime, she had (at least) three other children—one of whom happened to be my grandpa. Since her last name was still mylastname, that's the last name my grandpa got. Through family "whispers", I've now learned that my grandpa's father's last name was actually Johnson. I have the "Johnson" (LOL) narrowed down, now, to about five or six lads. Anyway... I think it's rather interesting to think that my last name probably really is (or really should be) Johnson.

Also today—or yesterday—Nick and I decided to be really gay and highlight our hairs. Well, we went to Kroger and bought the shit, and we came back and started. When we were finished with Nick for the first time, he looked like a fucking zebra—no lie! I look like some poor white trash homo with a home-job dye-job. It's mothereffing disgusting!

Our home is now, also, officially a zoo. If you'd like to visit, contact me for admission rates! Last week while we were in Columbus, I bought a fiddler crab for our aquarium. A few days later, while researching correct care for fiddler crabs, I found that they are not supposed to be kept fully immersed...and they're not supposed to be kept in freshwater. So I headed out to the pet store and bought the supplies to set up our 10-gallon tank for our crab. While I was there, I discovered that they also had fiddler crabs—and these were set up in the correct way! ...Except they didn't have brackish water in their tank, which is another tale, but anyway.... I bought three of their female fiddler crabs for my male fiddler crab, but when I arrived at home, I discovered that he'd left for crab heaven. So now the three lezzies are alone in the tank, and they're just dying for some big crab wang. I'll have to make another purchase soon. It'd be neat if they came in all different colors, wouldn't it?

Oh! Back to the zoo-thing: We have the three fiddler crabs, a 55-gallon tank full of various fish, a 5-gallon tank with a goldfish, two hamsters, two cats, and two dogs. It's neatish. I like having them all!

Also! Yay! I finished up my first graduate-level course at the end of last month, and I earned an A! That makes me smile. I'm now taking my second course, and I have only eight more to go after this one until I have my Master's! Then it's off to PhD school. You can call me Doc Johnson!

Later, y'all!

"i've got a mind, and i'll make it.

High Tide

2007-06-14T23:28:00.000-04:00

We found him on the beach this evening. He washed up in high tide. Tomorrow we're going jet skiing. I'll post pics if I'm able to take any! =)

Tybee

2007-06-12T22:19:00.000-04:00

We're having an awesome time...again! You really have to visit, if you haven't already done so. Even if you have been here before, it's a great place to be. Today we did a dolphin tour, and we saw many, many dolphins. The last picture above is three dolphins we saw on the tour, in case you needed help in deciphering the picture. While on the tour, we also saw Sandra Bullock's house. Maybe I'll post it for you later, cuz I know you're dying to see it, and you're jealous as hell that I saw it! We're thinking of going either parasailing or jet skiing tomorrow!

Like, our house is fucking fantastic! I want it. It has four bedrooms and three and a half baths. Nick and I have the master suite, and we have a jacuzzi tub in our private bath. We also have a private balcony. I think I would have been happy with any of the rooms, though. This house is beautiful! Hardwood floors downstairs. All stainless appliances in the HUGE kitchen. We've totally been enjoying cooking for everyone. On Sunday, we made our traditional southern breakfast: biscuits and gravy, sausage, scrambled eggs, and orange juice. And we ate it at a huge table for ten. There are ten of us here. Did I mention that?

I am missing my Shelby Sue and Cephie Marie, though. It seems that they're doing well with my aunt though. She took a vacation week off work just so she could watch them for us. Apparently, they chase her cats upstairs.

Tonite we had pizza. It was really, really good. I am sitting at the dining table drinking Smirnoff Twisted V (Watermelon), which I recommend, and Nick is sitting beside me playing some fucking game. My cousin is sitting in a chair watching some Lifetime movie. My Mama and Papa are in bed. The kids are in bed. Michelle is on the front porch....masturbating, probably.

Okay. Did I tell you that I got a super new cell phone, too? Nick and I did, like, a family plan and we got a really great deal. Our phones are MP3 players and cameras and shit. Okay. Nite, nite. Luff, luff!

2007-06-03T22:20:00.000-04:00

shelby spoke her first words today. seriously, we hadn't heard her bark at all until today. she has a new game she plays with beau. she gets under the couch and dares beau to come for her. he can't fit under the couch like she can, so she just laughs (barks) at him. it's so fucking cute i can't stand it!

today my dear friend christopher helped me begin to put together my family tree. it's rather exciting, as i already have lots of info. plus, he's going to help me find more! thanks a zillion christina aguilera!

that and school's out, school's out! teacher let the monkeys out! summer, here i come.

Shelby Sue

2007-05-31T20:38:00.000-04:00

chocolate

2007-05-26T11:04:00.000-04:00

i had another revealing dream last nite, one that witnessed to what i really feel inside. i saw it on oprah, and i had an a-ha moment in my sleep. i think dreams are our feelings ripped apart down to their bare bones. what i felt in my dream is hiding under layers of numb. then i had another dream this morning after nick left, and i'm now considering another probable truth.

i have so fucking much to do, and i hate having so much shit to do on a day off. i have to wash bed clothes. i have to dry colored clothes. i have to put that shit away. i have to water the plants on the front porch. i have to clean the litterbox. i have to work on a couple posts for my master's work. i have to write a paper that's due tomorrow. i have to do lots and lots of end-of-the-year stuff because this coming week is the last week of school! =)

exactly two weeks from now, we'll be driving in our cars on our way to sa-va-nnah! driving with our friends on our way to sa-va-nnah! that happy makes me!

Beau's Little Sister

2007-05-23T18:25:00.000-04:00

Shelby. =)

yay!

2007-05-13T17:29:00.000-04:00

I have officially submitted my first APA-formatted paper to the professor of my first class of my Master's program. Procrastination slowed me down some, but I made it! Now I just have to get ready to teach the children this week.... (Only two full weeks left!)

What else? My big accomplishment this morning was getting some blood work taken care of. My first doctor's appointment in years took place in March, and my doctor prescribed a couple medications for a couple issues, and she also ordered some blood work. I put the blood work off until this morning, and I am so glad it's over! My follow-up doctor's appointment (to see how the meds are working, etc.) is scheduled for next week so I couldn't very well put off the blood work for much longer any way.

Now I am going to do some housework and perhaps fix dinner, if I can find something fixable. Until next time: Touch yourself lots!

i'm back

2007-05-13T13:29:00.000-04:00

okay.... i got ahold of one of my moms who's also a very good friend of my very good friend, and she's on her way to columbus. she's hoping to get to see our friend. =) it sounds like she's going to be okay. she's recovered the memory she apparently lost shortly after the accident, and i think she's about to be released from the icu. anyway.... i know that if you're reading this, you probably don't know her, but please think good thoughts for her. she's a really awesome human being who's doing countless things to make the world a better place.

OMG

2007-05-13T13:14:00.000-04:00

i just sat down to write about my amazing progress, but i got sidetracked reading some of my very old posts. (someday i want to figure out my blogger "anniversary" date. it can't be too far away from ten years.) anyway.... my cell phone rang, and i didn't get to it in time to answer it (or else i didn't want to talk to the person who was calling) so the caller left a message. it was another teacher from my school, telling me that my very good friend fell while roller blading last nite and she fractured her skull. scary stuff. i need to try and find my friend's husband's cell number to see if a can get ahold of him to find out what's going on.

my accomplishments about which i was going to write seem to pale in the shadow of my dear friend's injury.

i'll just have to tell you later.

Cephie Marie

2007-05-07T16:57:00.000-04:00

2007-05-05T13:24:00.000-04:00

i don't ever recall having had a series of dreams that were thematically tied together as last nite's dreams were.

in my first dream, my (now-deceased) grandmother brought me (as a child) to my parents' home, but the home had been caught in the middle of renovation, and parts of the house was missing. i became very angry at my parents for providing such shoddy shelter, and so i ranted and i raved.

in my second dream, i was again a child and my mom was just returning from a trip she'd taken by herself. she returned with long, black hair. (my mom has ever had long hair.) she had returned with an altered appearance. her lip and her eyebrow had been pierced, and she alluded to the fact that she had other peircings as well. it also seemed that she'd been having some sort of lesbian love affair that had percipitated her evolution into this new person. again, i was very angry at my mom for not being the person i needed her to be.

in my third dream, i was once again an adult. nick and i lived in a different apartment than we do now, but we still had a roommate. i don't remember who the roommate was, but nick was telling this roommate all about the day he'd just had, and he was showing our roommate artifacts from the day, while not paying any attention to me. i got pissed off and locked myself into the bathroom. and i'm not sure if this dream continued as a dream of a dream or if it was just a dream. that is, it don't know if i dreamed i was having a nightmare or if i was really having a nightmare. but in any case, i was trying to yell in my sleep, and i was thinking that nick would wake me up from the nightmare, but he never did.

i had a fourth dream that may or may not have been a part of my third dream, but i'm not going to mention it here because it has the potential to do harm.

of course, the theme i'm talking about that united all these dreams was anger. but i think there's a bigger, more covert theme as well, and this is a lesson that life has been trying to teach me for awhile now. we cannot (and should not) depend on others to complete our emotional and spiritual lives. that is, we can't allow our emotional and spiritual well-being to be(come) dependent upon the actions of others.

in other news, i am so happy that we have only three full weeks of school left. we have vacation coming up shortly after school ends! and i'm ready to use the summer to work on my master's, as well as to make plans for our next school year. we tested for most of the week last week, and we took a really great field trip yesterday. it was really cool to have nick along, too! =) (i love my hookie pook!) one of the parents unexpectedly bought me an eco-sphere, and i absolutely love it! cephie got a haircut last week. he looks like such a gay little man, too! i love my cephie! i'm going to go bathe him in little bit. i'll post a pic of him and his new haircut soon!

in the meantime, love, me.

mizz amy winehouse

2007-04-28T11:08:00.000-04:00

oh god, i think i'm falling out of the sky

2007-04-14T14:09:00.000-04:00

hey, y'all! medication has removed the desire to write from my essence. however, you'll be happy to know that i'm fighting it.

i will be starting work on my master's degree at the end of the month. about this, i am excited. my books arrived last evening, and i've been browsing them. i love what i do, and i love to discover ways to make myself better at it. so, yeah. master's degree! can you believe that shitake? doctorate's next! y'all'll be callin' me dr. ________ before you know it.

(i am an m.i.l.f. - don't you forget!)

i have a new woman friend whom i love. she's very god-like. =)

jesus has recently sent me itunes and for this, i am effing happy! my top 25 psongs follow:

Feel It [Blunt Edit] - Maya/Tamperer
Harper Valley P.T.A. - Jeanie C. Riley
Big Wheel - Tori Amos
Gary Jules - Donnie Darko - Mad World
U + Ur Hand - Pink
On the Radio - Regina Spektor
Sleeps With Butterflies - Tori Amos
Back To Black - Amy Winehouse
Not Ready To Make Nice - Dixie Chicks
Say It Right - Nelly Furtado
Bliss - Tori Amos - Tori Amos (Tales of a Librarian: A Tori Amos Collection)
Bliss - Tori Amos - Tori Amos - To Venus and Back Disc 1
You Know I'm No Good - Amy Winehouse
Ode To Billy Joe - Bobbie Gentry
Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood
Independence Day - Martina McBride
Where Did You Sleep Last Night? - Nirvana
Dear God - Sarah Mclachlan
Don't Bother - Shakira
La La - Ashlee Simpson
Easy Silence - Dixie Chicks
Call Me When You're Sober - Evanescence
Promiscuous Girl - Nelly Furtado
Pussy Control - Prince
You Lied - Reba McEntire

2007-03-17T15:10:00.000-04:00

i love you, amy winehouse!

squeak

2007-03-10T21:29:00.000-05:00

we're officially some of the gayest people ever! we just spent our saturday evening painting our bathroom, and we're most proud of the perfect stripe running across the walls near the ceiling, but not touching the ceiling. we also bought solar lights for our front "yard". nick did most of the work, but it's the thought that counts. we'll decorate your home, too, for a fee.

warranty

2007-03-10T13:24:00.000-05:00

i have this big, gay urge to go antiquing.

2007-03-07T21:51:00.000-05:00

We got our little Beau one month ago tonite. =)

jesus is king

2007-03-05T20:37:00.000-05:00

my attraction to fiction is the potential for a world i can control, but i must remember that i cannot ever control the world. the world controls me, and i must submit.

procrastinators unite! (tomorrow)

2007-03-04T16:11:00.000-05:00

it's sunday, it's after 4 pm, and i have a shitload of stuff to do for school. i graded a few papers yesterday while at my mom's, but that's been it. like, i'm counting down the weeks until school's over. only 12 weeks to go. i don't know what it is this year, or this part of the year. i love, love, love being a teacher, but i'm feeling a little burned out and in need of a break. spring break's not too far away. yay!

but we didn't schedule our vacation for spring break this year, as we have for the past two years. i really miss having that to look forward to! but we do have our vacation scheduled for early june. we've already made the reservation and paid half. =) 14 weeks from yesterday is check-in day! we're staying in a four-bedroom, three-and-a-half bath, two-story home that was just built in 2005! and we're staying for a whole week! let me show you some pics....

aight. i'm gonna go get my bizzy on!

Bathing Beau

2007-03-03T13:14:00.000-05:00

(He really does have two eyes!)

tyger, tyger burning bright

2007-02-28T20:54:00.000-05:00

i'm not sure if it's spring fever, hormones, diet or that i'm off, but tonite's been really rough. earlier i was sitting in front of my computer when it slowly began to ooze over me. my mind slowed down and a desperate feeling of hopelessness overtook all that i am. tonite i realized there's something concrete that urges some people toward the edge. these feelings have caused others to jump and to flee. experiencing this alone is just wrong, and connection feels so unreachable! i don't want to be this motherfucking isolated. and it's a long motherfucking straight-up fight to be able to breathe the untainted air again. i must discover the antidote.

ramblings about life

2007-02-27T18:34:00.000-05:00

maybe one gets to a heaven-like state by being good. for example, i'd think things like being non-judgemental could help a person live a better life simply by avoiding self-avoidance. self-discipline has its obvious perks, too. ...just some shit on which i'm chewing.

i don't know what i did before bojangles! i fucking love that little guy to death! when i get home and let him out of his cage, he jumps up and down on me, quietly screaming, with this cute fucking smile between the poofs of his cruella deville mustache! i love him, love him, love him! we have to start working a little harder on housebreaking, though. apparently he shat on his aunt's bathroom rug last evening.

and i have the best parents this year! there are now about three who i think will probably become life-long friends. and they're (probable) friends who are good for the long haul. they're friend material. no deep crevices they need filled, and they're not going to fill anything for me. and i feel comfortable in my own skin with these people. it's strangely intersting how i came into this community a little by accident. it's almost like fate had it in store for me all along.

i think when you hold out long enough and you look ahead long enough, the right kind of life for you will take care of itself.

2007-02-24T19:06:00.000-05:00

2007-02-22T20:46:00.000-05:00

i keep meeting non-pious christians through school, and the doubting part of me keeps wondering if it isn't jesus trying to tell me something.

2007-02-20T19:22:00.000-05:00

Goddess has a new album coming out May 1.

addict

2007-02-18T15:41:00.000-05:00

i can't stop playing civilization iv! my mom bought it for me last christmas. not this past christmas, but christmas 2005. i haven't been able to play it because of computer issues and when i got those issues fixed, my computer wouldn't support the graphics. this christmas i got nick call of duty 2, and he hadn't been able to play it either because of graphics issues. anway...nick bought a new graphics card last week and he ended up putting it in my computer, and now we can play our games! and since i haven't had to go to school in forever, i've been playing and playing and playing. i think once i've dominated the world, i'll be fine. i'll be able to stop then.

2007-02-14T21:09:00.000-05:00

no school until tuesday. =)

hearts and love

2007-02-13T14:23:00.000-05:00

i love snow days! we have two more that we're allowed to use before we have to start making them up. i say let's use 'em up this week! =)

i love fannie flagg! i just finished up her last book that i hadn't read, welcome to the world, baby girl! i recommend it! it's definitely in my top three. i also love can't wait to get to heaven and a redbird christmas. of course, friend green tomatoes at the whistlestop cafe is a classic, too. yeah, i know i just listed four books while talking about my top three.

i love vacation! we've started planning our vacation for this summer. unfortunately, we're probably not going to get to do much for spring break this year. nick's spring break is a week before mine and our friend, michelle, has used up all her calamity days at school, so she probably doesn't get a spring break. christina can't take vacation during spring break, not that we could get him to go with us anway. but, yeah, i'm looking forward to vacay!

i frigging love beau! he's so fucking cute and cuddly and funny! we bought him a sweater, a t-shirt and a coat this weekend while we were in columbus. he's asleep on my desk again as i type. ...and moses is so pussyfied that he always runs from him, screaming when beau tries to play. moses elizabeth is certainly our little girl!

Beau

2007-02-09T17:12:00.000-05:00

We weren't planning on making the new family addition at least until June when I could be here all the time, but we immediately fell in love with this little guy and brought him home. He's an iddy biddy little 2 month-old Morkie, now named Beau. We love him lots, and we know that Molly's around loving the little guy, too. He's lying on my desk right now, curled up in front of the hamster cage. So fuckin' sweet! (I just took a pic, and I'm totally going to post that one as well!) By the way: Morkie = Maltese + Yorkie. =)

2007-02-07T23:55:00.000-05:00

it's interesting the things that can come to pass over the course of a day, things you never imagine happening today. it's been a marvelous evening. =)

2007-02-06T19:44:00.000-05:00

i broke up with my therapist tonite. we weren't going anywhere. he wasn't pushing me enough. i'm going to seek out a female. i've always had an easier time with girls anyway. if it weren't for that mess between their legs, i'd be one of the world's best lovers of women.

back to bed

2007-02-06T13:30:00.000-05:00

you are my sweetest downfall

i loved you first, i loved you first

beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

i have to go, i have to go

progress

2007-01-31T23:30:00.001-05:00

my dreams are never coming true as long as i'm with you. you've never even given any indication that you know what my dreams are.

even if any (or all) of my angst has been illogical, irrational, or completely fucked, you've never shown me that it matters to you what's going on inside my head! you've never ever indicated that you give half a fuck about working together to build a team.

i lie in bed next to you every nite and, as cliche as this phrase is, i may as well be lying next to a motherfucking stranger. there's something wrong when i lie there, searching my mind for just one person with whom i can talk truthfully while you're lying silently right there beside me.

you've never shown any physical interest in hearing me, knowing me, or building a future with me.

and surprise of all surprises, after four fucking years, i'm no more to you than a secret, childish, purposeless relationship held way more than arms' length away from everything real.

i'm tired of being with you because it's easier than making the break. i'm sick and damned tired of just accepting someone else's conclusion that i'm not worthy of being touched, being talked to, being chased after, being loved.

i don't accept your occasional scraps of affection! i'm not numbing myself down anymore just so i can live with the pain of being involved in a completely emotionless relationship when that is an absolutely fucking unacceptable way for me to life my life!

i'm not crying. i'm not attempting to change you. i'm simply saying that, since you're not offering much, my conscience is telling me that i must decline.

now is a time to move forward, to evolve, to accept progress.

my day, not in my own words

2007-01-21T15:19:00.000-05:00

"you got your whole life to do something, and that's not very long
[so] why don't you give me a call when you decide you're willing to fight"

-Ani Difranco

do'er

2007-01-11T16:31:00.000-05:00

so, like.... you're reading the blog of an accomplished do'er. i don't know if i had mentioned the original case, but i'll give you my update anyway. i've started seeing a therapist again. it all started more than a month ago, due to symptoms that did not resemble happiness. last nite was my fourth visit, and he basically told me that i need to get off my ass and do something because just talking about it ain't doing shit. and if i didn't do something, our situation was going to end up like the previous.

so, like.... today i made an appointment with a medical doctor. yes, a medical doctor. i haven't seen one of those for a routine inspection probably since i was about in fourth grade. i didn't realize that it was going to be so fucking difficult to get inside. after waiting on hold a few times and being turned down by rude-ass receptionists whose only words were "we're not accepting new patients", i found a nice receptionist who booked me right away for an appointment early next month. it's kind of scary to think about the possibilities, but it also feels good to be taking care of me.

molly helped me see how fragile life can be. she got sick with vomiting and diarrhea the friday after christmas when we left her in her cage for a few hours. on saturday morning, she and i made an emergency trip to the vet because she just wasn't feeling any better. the vet didn't seem concerned. she just said that it was upset stomach, gave me some medication and advised me to try to get her to eat something bland. but she still wasn't getting any better, and we didn't do an emergency page for the vet because of the holiday weekend. then she woke us up screaming on tuesday (january 2) morning, and this time we paged the vet and took her in before 4 am. the vet did everything she could, but couldn't find anything wrong, just symptoms. her kidneys had basically stopped functioning and her glucose level was really low. we got a call around 5 pm that she'd passed away about a half-hour before. molly was less than 2 years old, and she had always been a healthy girl. we have no answers about the cause of her death. it scares me to think about how quickly and abruptly she left us.... it scares me to think about how quickly and abruptly anyone can leave us.

i keep thinking about getting another dog. not to replace molly, but just because i like having a dog around. i'm really leaning toward the maltese breed. we'll probably end up waiting until summer when i can be with him/her all the time. i used to think it a travesty to buy pure breed when there are so many homeless animals out there who're euthanized everyday because they don't have a home. but i'm not sure i want to risk not knowing anything about probable health issues related to genetics again. molly had to have something genetic that gave out. we want to go smaller, too. molly was really too big for apartment life but, dear god, she was loved so much! ...and she is missed so much!

keep it a secret for me because i don't want anyone to think i'm nuts, but sometimes i talk to her. and i imagine seeing her out there in doggie heaven, playing with all her new friends, enjoying herself immensely, but stopping to look over her shoulder at me to see if i really need her when i call her name. i guess i just need to focus on the fact that we really gave her an awesome life for the time she had here on earth. her life certainly could've and probably would've been a lot worse if it weren't for us. we found her as a puppy under a horse trough at my parents'. she was eaten up with fleas, and she was burning up in the hot sun.

another do i've done, as urged by my therapist, is that i've found an address and phone number for my sister. half-sister. for the longest time, i've just wanted to contact her to see if we could have some sort of brotherly-sisterly relationship. growing up, i always wanted a sibling. it just feels good to think that could come true.

i'll have to try really hard to keep this up. because it is i who is responsible for how this life turns out.

yeah. (like regina spektor)

2007-01-02T19:14:00.000-05:00

R.I.P.

Molly Magoo

July, 2005 - January 2, 2007

Goodbye 2006!

2007-01-01T19:31:00.000-05:00

well, all that is 2006 should be banded together in a neat little stack now, filed away to be pulled out when we think of the year that has just passed forever more. i think that, for me, 2006 was a good year, a year of tremendous growth. i learned a lot about character and, with professional confirmation, i've accepted my appraisal of what a friend is not.

we celebrated last evening with an apartment full of true friends, and we laughed at plenty. now, with our souls facing forward, we're moving into the future with the best of intentions for living a life full of love to its absolute fullest.

Post Secret

2006-12-31T15:48:00.000-05:00

I'm sure this is plagiarism, but these secrets could be mine. So I'm borrowing them. Later I'm hoping to write something about the old year and hope something for the new. In the meantime, here goes...

purple people

2006-12-29T00:34:00.000-05:00

well hey do you do judo when they surround you
a little mental yoga will they disappear
it's grim but never dubious as motives go
no matter what it takes she promises a show

thunder wishes it could be the snow
wishes it could be as loved as she can be
these gifts are here for her, for you, for me

i watch me be this other thing, i never know
if i'm marooned or where the purple people go
then lily white matricide from vicious words
it doesn't leave a scratch so therefore no one's hurt

thunder wishes it could be the show
wishes it could be as loved as she can be
these gifts are here for her, for you, for me

and on and on the nurses make it clear
just when you escape you have yourself to fear
a restaurant that never has to close
breakfast every hour it could save the world

so hey do you do judo in your finery
an angel's face is tricky to wear constantly
thunder wishes it could be the snow
wishes it could be as loved as she can be
these gifts are here for her, for you for me
la...hey yeah
for her for her.

how the fuck?

2006-12-27T16:44:00.000-05:00

with complete motherfucking sincerity i'm asking for someone to explain to me how in the fuck a helping professional could have a bumper sticker on his/her car that says marriage = 1 stick figure man + 1 stick figure woman? how THE FUCK!?

how in god's kingdom can you CHOOSE whom to help? aren't we all intertwined in the web of life, as the great chief seattle once spoke? what we do to one, we do to all? how the motherfuck is DISCRIMINATION still even ALLOWED, much less tolerated? why the fuck aren't we all banding together to do something about the sorry state of this world. why are we all fearing the end of the world but choosing to do nada goddamned thing about it?

why the fuck are there still homosexuals who attend weddings when we're not afforded that privilege? yeah, yeah, yeah.... we have the same right as the heteros. we can marry someone of the opposite sex, but that's not what marriage is based upon. it's not about being with someone who has a vagina or a penis. it's about being with someone we LOVE! and what the fuck does it matter who we love so long as we LOVE? it's the motherfucking HATE THAT'S DOING US IN, COCKSUCKERS!!!

why the fuck are there still homosexuals who quietly step aside and allow themselves to be discriminated against and slighted and made fun of? why the fuck are there mothers of homosexuals who still attend churches in which gay love is preached against?

how the fuck do we just keep going quietly into the nite? how the fuck do we maintain what passes for sanity these days? how the fuck do we find anything to look forward to in a world such as this?

i'm just so fucking tired and angry and sick.

what life has become...

2006-12-26T22:25:00.000-05:00

just before i awoke this morning, i was dreaming of looking at houses on the water in savannah. i slept wonderfully after a not-so-great sleep on christmas eve, thanks to some pet issues at my mom's. i've decided.... no, i've realized that i have become more me and less my parents' child. become? i've evolved into me. next year, i'm ready to have my.... i'm ready to h.... i'm ready to do it my way. i'm thinking about having the people i love all around and doing it up the right way. not just on christmas, but every fucking day of my life.

tonite i worked on a budget for 2007, kind of looking at where my money's going to go, projecting how much money i'll have left over after everything's paid. it's nice to see, and it's great to know there's even going to be a raise in august. =)

our bed is soft tonite. my mom got me some great new white sheets and a really fluffy, plush blanket. i'm looking forward to tomorrow.

cutest fuckin' pic....

2006-12-25T15:55:00.000-05:00

Crusty

2006-12-18T17:27:00.000-05:00

Seriously. I can't fucking wait for Christmas break. And, no, it's not just so I can sit on my ass and do as I please. It's because my soul needs some fucking time to rejuvenate. My creativity is quickly dissolving, and all my patience has bled the fuck out of my eyes. It's almost here!

We painted our new bedroom this really awesome blue color, called "Rhapsody Night", and it be real pretty. (I'll post pictures soon.) Our house has been, like, all the fuck over the place with moving shit around and moving new stuff in. And now we've started getting ready for a guest we're going to have for a few days next week. She's one of Nick's friends from high school, a teacher, and I'm excited to get to know her! =) NYE's going to be lots of fun! Full house!

So yeah.

Christmas Card

2006-12-09T18:57:00.000-05:00

destiny

2006-12-07T20:15:00.000-05:00

imagine my utter surprise when i turned on all my children tonite, after not watching it for weeks, to find out that simone has been murdered. i'm shocked and saddened. simone was an awesome character. and just so you know, i am in mourning.

and i've said it before, but i'll say it again. myspace is a vehicle. i found new profiles for former classmates again tonite, and they took me on a journey. how the hell did they grow up and i didn't?

it's goddamned cold out there. i'm looking forward to climbing into our awesome bed and curling up with my hookie pants. =)

well.... hafta go grade some papers. laytah!

2006-12-03T13:48:00.000-05:00

src="http://us.video.aol.com/snag/?pmmsid=1680902&autoplay=0"
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My Voice...

2006-12-01T18:48:00.000-05:00

Nick Carter is, like, such a cliche. But he can be hot in some light. He just needs to grow some hair, and he'd be almost perfect. All in all, though, the Carters are a bunch o' white trash.

The opposite. One of the kids in my class has the most amazing family of which I am completely jealous. They spend evenings reading to each other and discussing how everyone's day went. They recognize subtle changes in mood, and they help pull each other through. They're absolutely supportive. They're absolutely real. They're absolutely fucking beautiful. How horrid is it that they're my new God? I look up to them with such awe!

Why the fuck would anyone want to watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show?

I've decided that I'm going to hit the lotto, and I'm going to write that fabulous book all about a Big House.

I can't fucking stop sneezing.

How the fuck can Lindsay Lohan go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? She's, like, Lindsay Lohan...the biggest star on the planet.

Weren't those pics of Britney's stubbly poon absolutely fucking nasty?

So, yeah....

More Hot Photos

2006-11-29T17:58:00.000-05:00

Here's a pic I took with my new camera. It's the "view" from our bedroom window. Fascinating, aye?

This is our big, beautiful Christmas tree. Ain't she a doll?

Thoughts

2006-11-28T19:19:00.000-05:00

Driving home, an automatic puzzle unfolded before me. My long-term thoughts of self-doubt were sucked through the ventilation system and left lying there on the highway, being pummeled by tire after tire. I know who I am, and I know who I've been. Standards are marvelous. For you, for me. The right words won't come but, when they do, I hope you take them to heart. (If they apply, of course.)